adventures, Daily, Photos

Freedom on a bike


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I’ve been to Italy, in Padergnone. I biked there. Surrounded by mountains, fluffy trees sprinkled in green, lakes of emerald green, we flew forward. At least it felt like it. A sensation of freedom, one that got me all happy-tears-eyed. I looked at my father and brother biking before me and I, as I often do, was struck by immense love for them. I wept some more behind my golden Ray’s.
“Sensitive” would some say, “High on life and love” I’d respond 😉

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I’m sick of surpressing emotions. I used to get uncomfortable when my mom started crying for e v e r y t h i n g, now I love it (although I can’t help but mocking her a little when she cries over a cute bottle of wine or something). People are so held together these days, I prefer raw emotions. It’d be easier to decipher a person and get close if we became better at painting our inner states before each other, letting go of barriers and accept the feeling.

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My skin has changed color and my freckles have left hibernation. This weekend, the weather showed us just how amazing Stockholm can be. Today the temperature is steadily dropping, clouds cover the sky, the mood is mellow and I am swooning. This is the perfect writing moment. It’s when I’m filled with adventures and new experiences that I can relax and more than happily slide into writer’s mode. My mind feels pregnant. Filled with thoughts that are dying to be born into word combinations.

Jacob climbed Monte Bondone the fastest and hence “won” over the older youngsters. I missed my sister but apart from that it was splendid spending time with family and extended family. Splendid in the way of comfort and safety, unconditional love and support.

Daily, Writings

LEVEL UP: Adulthood


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I sleep a lot these days. It’s as if my body and mind are slowly thawing, waking up from this winter’s hibernation. Spring is stalling and it’s frustrating to see the buds do everything in their power to come through but instead they get pushed back by frosty nights.

I am traveling to Italy next Tuesday. I picture myself there, in the hotel room that I will have for myself, not even sharing it with my brother because apparently that’s, unbeknownst to me, a perk of becoming/being an adult; you get your own room. I see how I will run up and down the hills, sink my body into the ocean and let the whole universe disappear above me.

When I’m there I should study psychology. I’ve taken myself through this course, this semester, but I am behind and on the 4th of June everything should be handed in. A major stress, because my performance-anxiety tells me to stay awake every night and study, my mind and rational self on the other hand, tells me something else. I’ve been wanting to study psychology for three years and I’ve been toying with the thought of studying it full-time. But now that I have, I’ve realized that the study of psychology; is not my kind of psychology.

I’ve this natural interest and curiosity for behaviors, traits, interactions etc. An interest which sparks a lot of questions, questions I want answers to, but not by going to school for five years. As this course has unraveled I’ve gained an insight; studying psychology takes away my curiosity for it. When I write my exams and tasks I tend to spiral away into philosophy and instead of answering the question, I ask more. It becomes more of a thesis that I write for myself instead of an answer to the given task.
This is a comforting insight and some sort of validation on me progressing as a human (that sounds rather pretentious). What I mean is that I feel quite done with questioning myself and “what I should do in life”. I have my line of work. I want to make film. Forever and ever (as of right now at least). Psychology will be my hobby.
I don’t have endless of years and I have to choose where I direct my energy, and it’s not by diving deep into psychology.

Daily, Photos

36 Squeeze Meter Party


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Last weekend Nils and I threw a moving-in party, which I named, cleverly, (if I may say so myself) “36 Squeeze Meter Party”. We had around 40 people here and the night was a blast. Some friends brought a smoke machine which altered the experience and turned our apt into a club. In the midst of partying, Fredrik asked us all to join in on a mantra. Within seconds, all of us sat down on the floor and sang along to:

Parvati’s Peace Song

It was amazing! It’s powerful to be in a crowd and sing together.

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My family came too, as well as Nils’s sister! The best parties are the ones with a mixed crowd. GAH. Can’t get over how much I love to host and have all my favorites at one place.

The last friends left at 3 and Nils and I fell asleep like two happy, satisfied campers. Like this happy:

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adventures, Daily, Photos

Fun Friends and Urban Burners


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These past couple days have been amazing, despite feeling completely blue Sat-Wednesday. But then on Wednesday a bunch of my friends, from all different kind of circles, met up at Carmen. We said goodbye to one Indian who’s going to Amsterdam and Hi to our long lost friends that have been back in India for too many months.

Sonja looks like she’s checking someone out real bad. 

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On Thursday Chris and I met up with a wonderful person who we’re helping filming her wedding-speech. Such a beautiful thing to take part in such a private project! Her love and happiness rubbed off on me big time.

After that it was time for a well-needed 24h hang with my girls! We went to Uppsala for a night. We ate baguettes with delicious toppings, drank cava and wine and then headed out for a fun night.
We started at Bierhaus, moved on to Shotluckan where they had really cool shots and we devoured them like horses devour grass.
With shots in our bellies we moved on to Flustret where we danced to the live-act, performed by Blackness!

The night was fun with a lot of dancing. The day after we had brekkie, talked, played cards and then we slothed our way back to Stockholm.

I arrived home, took a nap and then headed to Nils’s parents where we hung out for a while till’ the whole gang took an uber to Nobelberget to attend Urban Burn. My friends have an exhibition there now so we all have passes. It was neat to be in a place where people’s attitudes are all about openness, love and “being who one is”.

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We were glittery and the sky was a rainbow.

Writings

Fall. In. Love. Again. and. Again


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I fell in love three days ago when we sat in the bed of a friend, surrounded by friends, and we made jokes that no one else gets
This morning you walked into the bathroom as a bearded man
When you came out you had shed your beard
I on the other hand, shed nothing
I only layered up with love,
I fell,
for you
again

I’ve known that love, that overused word, becomes stronger over time
I feel it for friends every time I meet them
I fall in love with them
It’s the self-explanatory kind of love,
the one that tells me that whatever evil you, my friend, might do to me,
I’ll always love you

With you on the other hand
When I fall, over
and
over
stronger
and stronger

It’s not with certainty
It comes in shockwaves
As if you baffle me with your sheer existence,
and you’re standing there, open to my loving you
Who am I then to not be completely absorbed
To not take my chance on falling
in
love
again
When it’s the greatest experience of them all

The difference is that whatever evil you might do to me
I won’t always love you
I won’t forgive

Perhaps that’s the reason to why I let myself lean in into what is us
Because I know that it’s not for certain
So I take my chances with braveity
For it’s the only way I will know
that whatever pain might come my way because of you
at least I loved whole-heartedly, with every piece of me
and when one has done that
there are no regrets
no wrong-doings
nothing that could have been done differently

Daily, Writings

Little Miss Fuck-Up


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Yesterday I went out bowling and got drunk instead of studying. Today my wrist is hurting from the bowling balls, guess that’s the price you have to pay when you’re the winner 😉

I try to let go of control, an attempt to not live up to the “Little Miss Perfect” – ideal. I don’t do my chores as I should, I try to take life not so seriously because it usually leaves me in a position where I feel stressed out for no reason. I’m fighting the “have to’s and should do’s” with a more laidback me, but this results in me feeling out of control and a lack of self-esteem because “I can’t seem to do anything right nor good”. I know it’s good for me to let go, but the struggle to feel fine in letting go is perhaps more difficult than being in control.

It’s as if though I’m rummaging through my life e v e r y day, turning it inside out in an attempt to figure… well… something out. Is it possible to be a teenager twice? Because my mind cuts me no slack what so ever these days. It’s as if I’ve thought so hard for so long that it’s now wired to analyze everything that happens to cross my path.

Internal battles without a commander in chief are not fruitful at all. Perhaps I just have to woman-up and stop questioning myself so damn much and instead be a proud boss who knows it’s employee sometimes fails and that is o k e y. 

 

Writings

Free-writing my way to freedom


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I’m in a room on Gotland in a beautiful summer house. There are five new, for me, people sleeping in the other rooms. They’re my team-mates on this shortfilm-shoot. Yesterday I rode for four hours straight and I felt empowered and free sitting on the horse Irina. My co-actress and I roamed the fields, cantered, trotted and flung ourselves down over the horses when they steered us into low-hanging branches.

I’ve been living with a tiny nervous-knot in my tummy for a while and I can’t figure out why. It’s a feeling of stress that might come from conflicting thoughts. Because in my mind I feel like a stray dog, going everywhere, going nowhere, going places. Thinking of every possible outcome of my decisions, contemplating on what I can do differently, am I doing enough? What more can I do? Am I missing something?
Yet I’m more tied down than every with an apartment, bonds to pay, living with my partner, running a company etc.

Life feels intrusive, or rather, I feel life a lot. Everything that happens makes my mind spiral into a cave of thoughts regarding what happened. It’s exhausting. Instead of simply existing and having fun I’m constantly drawn deeper into my internal state of mind, scrutinizing every moment of an event.

When a child grows, their brains create thousands of superfluous synapses, which they later shed. And I feel like that, as if my mind is shedding and transitioning, adapting and making sense of my “new” life.

Over-thinking is the theme for my past months. “Stop over-thinking”. I hear it so many times, I even tell my friends that. Maybe there is danger to over-thinking, especially if you’re wired in a self-destructive way, then the thoughts can bring one down completely. But on the other side of the coin, I believe over-thinking can do good. It’s a way of making sense of ones world and when one topic is turned inside out and thought of from all perspectives, then it’s done right? No need to think about it any more.
Therefore I let go, I write and trust the process. The flaring thoughts will subside sooner or later and a lighter version of a mind will protrude.
Just like when the spring-buds arrive and I can sense nature taking a deep breath of relief, that’s the liberation I’m yearning for.

As of now I solely feel like a prisoner in my own mind. There are too many thoughts in a tiny space and all the superfluous ones opress the new thoughts that are down there somewhere. I haven’t had any new ideas in a long time and that is usually a reaction to me not being well.
My body is reacting too, my heart beats like a woodpecker pecks, and if my thoughts are the woodpecker, I want to shoot the woodpecker.

An example of how the woodpecker works, take my headline that I just re-read:
“But what is freedom?” “Is it being allowing to ones thoughts and emotions and not putting any further value to them?” “Is it the privilege of being able to contemplate?” “Is it having a progressive government?”

I guess my kind of freedom is the one where I simply act and is reacted upon without questioning myself and not letting other’s questioning concern me.