You tell me how beautiful I look
how my dress makes you shook
Your body leaves no doubt
it yearns for mine with all its might
Your compliments I sow,
for vanity is not to tow
however
My looks are in diminuendo
my mind’s a brave crescendo
Filled with deviations
in need of attention
Attempting to be all it can
learning to play with what’s at hand
to be a
kinder
wiser
loving
version
perhaps even a brilliant person
Despite my mindful aspirations
I’ve never once heard you utter words
of earnest appreciation
…
Learning how to be content
I pull my hair in what’s a combination of stress and frenzy. It’s dry and frazzled. I’ve been expecting it to fall off this winter. A winter that has been too long and cold. I’ve also been expecting myself to run away several times but I never have. Instead I’ve tucked the notion of other world’s far back into my mind next to pillars of budgets and other necessary practicalities.
Baby-steps, my friend reminded me.
You are hurried in life, my partner said and gazed steadfast into my eyes.
Deep, patient breaths along with the understanding of phases, are what I’m forcing myself to be guided by this year.
As a curious, restless being it’s difficult to settle with anything that is.
I question, reconsider, think again, question more, toss and turn what is to see what may be. Career-wise, loveships, friendships, living situation, as a matter of fact – all parts of life.
I see different lives fly me by and I wonder if that could be me and what that ‘I’ would think of it. Not out of dissatisfaction neccessarily but rather out of curiosity and “Would it be possible?”.
I’m learning to be content in my current situation and remain there for a while. Something that is a new occurrence for me and I guess that is an adventure in itself too. For if I learn it, I allow myself to make the most out of the now and when one does that, all adventures and new situations become a welcome extra.
– J
Insights with great impact, drawn from tiny moments
The four of us sat in an Airbnb bed, freshly arrived into an Amsterdam in February shroud, sipping Cava and red wine.
A constellation of friends that has not been obvious but rather worked on. Connected through our eagerness to connect, out of curiosity for one another.
Sharing memories of current and former boyfriends through videos. I on the other hand, showed a video of me and my dogs.
With swollen tongues we later fell into a discussion of the enveloping of life-events. C outed the idea of; whatever should happen, will happen.
Whilst S promptly argumented that; No! It can’t solely be by chance can it?! Certainly we must be in more control than so? And isn’t that a lazy thought? To simply relax into the notion of life’s motion?
Well, C argued, inbetween those events you make decisions and those you can control but the outcome of those decisions are not in your control.
Intelligent scum
What if
people a hundred years from now
will look back at us
in the” rich” world
and ask:
Why didn’t you stop this from happening?
There are no flowers any longer
We have no trees
The bees
no longer buzz around our elbows and knees
The sun is scorching our skin
water tastes like tin
How could you forget nature is a living thing?
Strangle it
and it shall die
Who always survives the harshest conditions?
Parasites
Virus
Multiresistant bacteria
Termites
Humans
We are intelligent scum
Let’s be intelligent life
Exhale; loss
Lips touching for the millionth time
yet I know, soon you’ll no longer be mine
Just like my goosebumps spread like fire,
from a kiss filled with your desire,
Our love flees us
thus, we fight to keep it intact
when all we should do is let it have an impact
Let it leave us teary with red eyes
whilst we’re saying our goodbyes
No one knows why love ends
All I know is, there’s more to find somewhere else
Gorillaz, The National and Ella Blondes
I’m still in bed, 2pm on a Saturday. I’m scavenging the Internet for interesting articles, new tech, business-tips and psychology-papers.
Nah, not quite. I’m scanning the web for clothes and blogs 😉
Look at this beauty. This tree made me incredibly happy and it lives right by us! What a perk.
I’m in shut-up quarantine because I lost my voice last Friday and so it’s been an interesting week in terms of “how to communicate without a voice”. I’ve been dealing with it on 3 concerts, business-meetings, as well as during random encounters with cashiers, door-holders (been wheezing out a “sääänk you”) and when I’ve tried to get my dog to listen to me.
I’m in awe of everyone who is mute/deaf. I’ve been feeling a lot like a prisoner in my own mind, but then again, I don’t know sign-language hence I can’t communicate that way. It brought me to the conclusion of how ignorant it is that sign-language is not a mandatory class in schools, at least not in Sweden.
Why dismiss the ability to communicate with a large amount of the population?
I’ll just have to learn on my own I guess!
Anyhow.
We went to see The National, a band Nils introduced to me, whose songs I really enjoy, until last Sunday. The front-man was a bit of a douche on stage. He started off by saying “Hey. We were out last night and so this is going to be a short, shitty show.” He was right. Except for the short-part, it was too long and shitty. He threw water on the audience on several occasions – I mean, come on, you sing slow ballads, this is not a rock-concert. My rant could go on… It was a sweet night however because we were three couples! My first triple-date ever.
The day after we went to see Gorillaz.
HOLY COW THEY ARE AMAZING. What a show! When Sex Murder Party came on I totally flipped in my euphoria. I went with these two twins whom I like very, very much.
On Tuesday I had a long-sought-after girl’s night. Stine brought facial masks and we laughed our butts off because Sonja’s mask was a bubble-mask (now whatever the purpose of that may be) and she looked a lot like the wolf-man.
Nils and I made pizza for dinner on glutenfree-dough which resulted in two massive pan-pizz. His with serrano, ruccola and champignon, mine with chevré, figs, honey and ruccola.
I was extremely tired last night. My new job, (first real job after my graduation!!) at this fantastic start-up called Referanza; that you all should check out because I believe that you too want your potential micro influencers to recommend your product/service/brand to all their friends, makes me happy-tired. Nonetheless, Nils and I headed to Petsound Bar yesterday to support our friends in the band Ella Blondes – they absolutely rocked it!
It’s been a pumping week so far. Time to leave bed and head to the gym for the first time in a week. Yiha!
Five Months of summer
I walk down to the park by Karlaplan that has a fountain in the middle of it. I see the Mc Donald’s where Anna bought burgers, fries and ice-cream to our heart-broken friend. I see the bench where we sat down for an hour, talked, laughed and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, reminding her of all good that came out of their relationship.
The day after we are sipping wine on my balcony for hours on end in the first warm strokes of brighter times. We are having the type of conversations which draws you in completely and fully. Where all of my attention is on the four eyes before me, their thoughts, which they formulate into words and land in my mind. In those moments I always think: this is what I keep on living for. This connection, the sharing of past experiences and the now, the stubborn will to understand, the urge to be there for one another and the quiet crackling of invisible bonds being made.
I took a photo, of course, and they damned me for being insensitive.
“I’m crying Josie, damn it! Could you just not take a photo right now?!”
I utter an excuse but in my mind I’m thinking: I need to capture this moment.
I want to remember.
That was the start of this summer and all of a sudden, as I am looking at the fountain, the memories from it come spiraling down from the sky and I experience it all again in a miniscule version.
It’s the 29th of October today, yet christmas seems further away than the summer we recently left behind does. Because it never stopped. I couldn’t believe it, is this my life now? One endless party with amazing, intriguing people who seem to be appearing out of nowhere.
The fountain keeps splashing water on me but I don’t care, I’m stuck in reflection.
What have these past months done to me?
They made me grow.
As a friend, a partner, a family-member, a professional, a party-animal 😉
I’ve experimented with my limits a lot. I’ve pushed mental barriers away into a deep dark corner of my mind until they’ve dissolved and tried my best to set myself free, to let go of control.
I’m a firm believer in that keeping principles of how life should be lived is the main reason to feeling dissatisfied, these months became the proof of that. For never have I felt this calm within. Even in anxious moments I can remain sane in the comforting thought of: “Only because you’re feeling this right now does not mean it will be you forever.”
As kids we explore, try and fail. As adults we try so hard to remain the same. Maybe because it’s worked so far, maybe because it’s the easy way out.
These past experiences became an important reminder of that without this pushing of myself, I’d never would have reached who I am today. A version of me that is probably the best one so far, something I’m very proud of.
It’s due to a little push from within but mainly thanks to each and every person that I’ve had the privilege to spend time with.
I’m going to keep pushing, exploring and experimenting.
I will grow but I will never grow up.
With that motivational quote, I leave you 😉
