Blushing Storm

Fearless in my own skin, I struck
I swept in, caught you off-guard
My sounds showered your mind, sent shivers through your spine
We rumbled together that night
drenched in the moment
absorbed by each other
I was a lot for you,
covering the sky with my presence
you encouraged it
We calmed down
the morning settled
you slowly rose
I became aware of my actions, of my excessiveness
As your vast gaze met mine,
you painted my cheeks in a hazy red
New to me, I became a blushing storm
struck
captivated by
somebody else

 

– J

 

 

 

 

a Sweltering Summer

I came naked out of the shower when I noticed;
the first rays of summer-sun shone onto my bed.
As if they were a blanket, I crawled underneath them and let their gentle warmth caress my body.
This body which had yearned for their touch throughout a winter’s eternity.
As she spread her energy all over me, I let out a tender tear. One filled up with all that longing, released into a powerful sensation of belonging.
Little did I know, that summer would be…

At last,
rain.
I noticed today that the leaves on the branches were bleached
that their comrades had fallen to the ground
A dry summer leads to preterm death
I learned that the sun can take lives
just as it gives life
that everything in abundance,
causes imbalance
and so I greet rain when nature yearns for it
Just as I release a drop of my own
when my sun-deprived body is touched by the first rays of summer-sun

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I found my smile in Paris

The vibrant swaying of the bass-strings, they lure me in until I’m thrown out and caught by the whimsical beating of the drums.

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Rhythmic, never harmful.
Dumbfounded, I smile. 

I watch the drummer as I imitate his moves with my arms. In response, he raises an eyebrow in amused confusion.

I’m swept up by the vibrations of the guitar, or more so, by the guitarist. His stance, leaning against the piano, emanates sex. A woman in the audience is captivated by him, she has caught his eye. They flirt in the invisible open, I ponder, in the background, over all that can be said without words.

Somewhere in-between the jazz-bar, the red wine touching my tongue beneath the heat lamps and the sunny steps of Montmartre, I feel it. The long-forgotten, self-inflicted happiness comes surging through me.

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Content Overload

We’re thoughts circling the insides of a beehive
Colliding, connecting, introspecting
We think to achieve, to thrive and believe
All has been said, I think, as I lay down my pen
No thought is unique, it’s all on repeat
My words are shadows of scribbled notes,
of poems, novels, of scripts from before
But, what else can I do than to play some more?

See and make seen

I didn’t know you for long.
A day after your death I backtracked how long we actually had known each other for.
I counted two months, an insight which lead to instant disappointment because in this world we put the length of any relationship on a piedestal.

I pushed that annoying inkling of disappointment away because in my world I treasure the impact of a relationship, how we affected each other during our time together. I now know that two months can be as wholly as 5 years.

We were becoming friends but more than that too because you were the first person I dared to think of as a possible mentor.
Your manners toward others inspired me. You made everyone feel seen at the same time as you jokingly teased them about a minor detail in their own manners.

I witnessed how you brought those manners to the surface and I saw in the persons face that no one, except himself, had ever noticed it, which in return left him smiling.

You saw and made seen, in the most loving, joyful of ways.

As autumn came marching in and the first rain fell heavily, we stood waiting to go out for lunch. I said something in the likes of “Into the darkness we go…” you looked at me with a half-smile and a shrug, saying “I know many people don’t like this weather but I’ve always seen it as something beautiful because it’s as if the world becomes clean.”

I never told you how much I appreciated you, I never had the chance to ask you if you could be my mentor, even after I would’ve quit. Because we thought we had time, you said it constantly “focus on this now, we’ll dive into that later” but Gustaf, you know, later never came.
Thank you for teaching me, in the most horrid of ways, never to hold back on declarations of love.

Rain was pouring down when I walked home from the subway tonight. Out of nowhere I was struck by your words, as if the rain itself whispered in your voice “The world gets clean”.

So from here on now my friend, I promise that I’ll forever keep that glittery view of the world in mind whenever it cleans, I mean rains.

Momentarily Truths

The eyes we meet, the words we speak
in the now we guess
in the morrow we know
the words were spoken
but the guessings were broken
the eyes we met fret nothing
the mind to which the eyes belonged,
listened to understand
did its’ utter most to grasp
drew conclusions even

but you know, as I know
we’re built off of momentarily truths
for change is inevitable as such
it boils us down to nothing
until tomorrow gives us something
and so the story goes on
about those who knew
until they knew anew

Sizzling Connection

Between two souls lie a path
it’s riddled with obstacles
they hold hands and on the path they
play
jump
run
dodge to the ground
one looks forward
one looks backward
so to keep an eye open for all that may intervene
they hord experiences along the way
picking fruits from each other’s brains
They’re feasting off of each other
Cherishing the moment they found one another
the ones they’re in, the ones that will come

One day one of the souls hopes it’s hallucinating
for in the horizon the path is sectioning
From forces, as well as reasons, unbeknownst to both
they’re forced into separation
Not by will for who wants to end such a thrill?
Rather, an inkling of something undeclared
perhaps a future not shared

They cry and grasp for each other
scream and shout as their fingers disentangle

Behind them the path dissolves
onto their own they go

In the torture they find comfort
if they met by chance ones
it may happen twice, if not;

Your mind goes beautifully with that dress

You tell me how beautiful I look
how my dress makes you shook
Your body leaves no doubt
it yearns for mine with all its might
Your compliments I sow,
for vanity is not to tow
however
My looks are in diminuendo
my mind’s a brave crescendo
Filled with deviations
in need of attention
Attempting to be all it can
learning to play with what’s at hand
to be a
kinder
wiser
loving
version
perhaps even a brilliant person
Despite my mindful aspirations
I’ve never once heard you utter words
of earnest appreciation

Learning how to be content

I pull my hair in what’s a combination of stress and frenzy. It’s dry and frazzled. I’ve been expecting it to fall off this winter. A winter that has been too long and cold. I’ve also been expecting myself to run away several times but I never have. Instead I’ve tucked the notion of other world’s far back into my mind next to pillars of budgets and other necessary practicalities.

Baby-steps, my friend reminded me.
You are hurried in life, my partner said and gazed steadfast into my eyes.

Deep, patient breaths along with the understanding of phases, are what I’m forcing myself to be guided by this year.

As a curious, restless being it’s difficult to settle with anything that is.
I question, reconsider, think again, question more, toss and turn what is to see what may be. Career-wise, loveships, friendships, living situation, as a matter of fact – all parts of life.
I see different lives fly me by and I wonder if that could be me and what that ‘I’ would think of it. Not out of dissatisfaction neccessarily but rather out of curiosity and “Would it be possible?”.

I’m learning to be content in my current situation and remain there for a while. Something that is a new occurrence for me and I guess that is an adventure in itself too. For if I learn it, I allow myself to make the most out of the now and when one does that, all adventures and new situations become a welcome extra.

– J

Insights with great impact, drawn from tiny moments

The four of us sat in an Airbnb bed, freshly arrived into an Amsterdam in February shroud, sipping Cava and red wine.
A constellation of friends that has not been obvious but rather worked on. Connected through our eagerness to connect, out of curiosity for one another.
Sharing memories of current and former boyfriends through videos. I on the other hand, showed a video of me and my dogs.
With swollen tongues we later fell into a discussion of the enveloping of life-events. C outed the idea of; whatever should happen, will happen.
Whilst S promptly argumented that; No! It can’t solely be by chance can it?! Certainly we must be in more control than so? And isn’t that a lazy thought? To simply relax into the notion of life’s motion?
Well, C argued, inbetween those events you make decisions and those you can control but the outcome of those decisions are not in your control.

Intelligent scum

What if
people a hundred years from now
will look back at us
in the” rich” world
and ask:
Why didn’t you stop this from happening?
There are no flowers any longer
We have no trees
The bees
no longer buzz around our elbows and knees
The sun is scorching our skin
water tastes like tin
How could you forget nature is a living thing?
Strangle it
and it shall die
Who always survives the harshest conditions?
Parasites
Virus
Multiresistant bacteria
Termites

Humans

We are intelligent scum
Let’s be intelligent life

Exhale; loss

Lips touching for the millionth time
yet I know, soon you’ll no longer be mine
Just like my goosebumps spread like fire,
from a kiss filled with your desire,
Our love flees us
thus, we fight to keep it intact
when all we should do is let it have an impact
Let it leave us teary with red eyes
whilst we’re saying our goodbyes
No one knows why love ends
All I know is, there’s more to find somewhere else

Gorillaz, The National and Ella Blondes

I’m still in bed, 2pm on a Saturday. I’m scavenging the Internet for interesting articles, new tech, business-tips and psychology-papers.
Nah, not quite. I’m scanning the web for clothes and blogs 😉

Look at this beauty. This tree made me incredibly happy and it lives right by us! What a perk.
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I’m in shut-up quarantine because I lost my voice last Friday and so it’s been an interesting week in terms of “how to communicate without a voice”. I’ve been dealing with it on 3 concerts, business-meetings, as well as during random encounters with cashiers, door-holders (been wheezing out a “sääänk you”) and when I’ve tried to get my dog to listen to me.

I’m in awe of everyone who is mute/deaf. I’ve been feeling a lot like a prisoner in my own mind, but then again, I don’t know sign-language hence I can’t communicate that way. It brought me to the conclusion of how ignorant it is that sign-language is not a mandatory class in schools, at least not in Sweden.
Why dismiss the ability to communicate with a large amount of the population?
I’ll just have to learn on my own I guess!

Anyhow.
We went to see The National, a band Nils introduced to me, whose songs I really enjoy, until last Sunday. The front-man was a bit of a douche on stage. He started off by saying “Hey. We were out last night and so this is going to be a short, shitty show.” He was right. Except for the short-part, it was too long and shitty. He threw water on the audience on several occasions – I mean, come on, you sing slow ballads, this is not a rock-concert. My rant could go on… It was a sweet night however because we were three couples! My first triple-date ever.

The day after we went to see Gorillaz.
HOLY COW THEY ARE AMAZING. What a show! When Sex Murder Party came on I totally flipped in my euphoria. I went with these two twins whom I like very, very much.

On Tuesday I had a long-sought-after girl’s night. Stine brought facial masks and we laughed our butts off because Sonja’s mask was a bubble-mask (now whatever the purpose of that may be) and she looked a lot like the wolf-man.

Nils and I made pizza for dinner on glutenfree-dough which resulted in two massive pan-pizz. His with serrano, ruccola and champignon, mine with chevré, figs, honey and ruccola.

 

I was extremely tired last night. My new job, (first real job after my graduation!!) at this fantastic start-up called Referanza; that you all should check out because I believe that you too want your potential micro influencers to recommend your product/service/brand to all their friends, makes me happy-tired. Nonetheless, Nils and I headed to Petsound Bar yesterday to support our friends in the band Ella Blondes – they absolutely rocked it!

It’s been a pumping week so far. Time to leave bed and head to the gym for the first time in a week. Yiha!

Five Months of summer

I walk down to the park by Karlaplan that has a fountain in the middle of it. I see the Mc Donald’s where Anna bought burgers, fries and ice-cream to our heart-broken friend. I see the bench where we sat down for an hour, talked, laughed and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, reminding her of all good that came out of their relationship.

The day after we are sipping wine on my balcony for hours on end in the first warm strokes of brighter times. We are having the type of conversations which draws you in completely and fully. Where all of my attention is on the four eyes before me, their thoughts, which they formulate into words and land in my mind. In those moments I always think: this is what I keep on living for. This connection, the sharing of past experiences and the now, the stubborn will to understand, the urge to be there for one another and the quiet crackling of invisible bonds being made.

I took a photo, of course, and they damned me for being insensitive.
“I’m crying Josie, damn it! Could you just not take a photo right now?!”
I utter an excuse but in my mind I’m thinking: I need to capture this moment.
I want to remember.

That was the start of this summer and all of a sudden, as I am looking at the fountain, the memories from it come spiraling down from the sky and I experience it all again in a miniscule version.

It’s the 29th of October today, yet christmas seems further away than the summer we recently left behind does. Because it never stopped. I couldn’t believe it, is this my life now? One endless party with amazing, intriguing people who seem to be appearing out of nowhere.

The fountain keeps splashing water on me but I don’t care, I’m stuck in reflection.
What have these past months done to me?
They made me grow.
As a friend, a partner, a family-member, a professional, a party-animal 😉

I’ve experimented with my limits a lot. I’ve pushed mental barriers away into a deep dark corner of my mind until they’ve dissolved and tried my best to set myself free, to let go of control.
I’m a firm believer in that keeping principles of how life should be lived is the main reason to feeling dissatisfied, these months became the proof of that. For never have I felt this calm within. Even in anxious moments I can remain sane in the comforting thought of: “Only because you’re feeling this right now does not mean it will be you forever.”

As kids we explore, try and fail. As adults we try so hard to remain the same. Maybe because it’s worked so far, maybe because it’s the easy way out.
These past experiences became an important reminder of that without this pushing of myself, I’d never would have reached who I am today. A version of me that is probably the best one so far, something I’m very proud of.
It’s due to a little push from within but mainly thanks to each and every person that I’ve had the privilege to spend time with.

I’m going to keep pushing, exploring and experimenting.

I will grow but I will never grow up.

With that motivational quote, I leave you 😉

Stockings too thin

Shoulders up by my ears
Freezing wind, forcing tears
A jacket too cold
Stockings too thin
Autumn begging to begin

Kisses from him
Comforts me in the whirlwind
of endings; beginnings
losses; winnings

Every winter I flee
to a land with endless green leaves

Yet I remain
for here are my kin
keeping me warm from within

The elusive concept of being one’s own boss

Suddenly the limbo-state in which I’ve found myself to be in for a while, cleared up and showed me what it was actually about.

I’ve felt torn between running my own business and waiting for someone else to command me to do something. I’ve wanted to start my own company since I was 16 (I’m now 23) and when it finally happened, a couple of months back, I felt the immediate joy of starting up but not the long-lasting enjoyment of it.

My whole life I’ve been in school or at a job with rules to follow, a boss/teacher to listen to. I’ve been told what to do, what the next step will be and what my task is – for 22 years.
Those are many years under command.

Now, forgive my incapability of understanding this seemingly simple fact:
I am now my own boss.

The discrepancy and confusion occurs in this newly-found freedom, the privilege of being able to choose how to lead ones life but first and foremost: how to do it.
I’ve experienced a certain need to be told what to do since we started Yadi Yada. Therefore, when we got our first clients I felt reassured, like a sweet safety-blanket that was wrapped around me, a recognition of familiarity – someone finally tells me what to do.

Which is the complete opposite of what I had been yearning for right? I now understand that in order for me to fully and wholly absorb the concept of being the captain of my own ship, I have to give it some time, wrapped in patience, to reach the entrepreneur-harbour. Boring conclusion maybe but as I am settling in into adulthood it becomes more and more obvious that I am in charge of my life. And since I am now choosing to live my life the way I do, I have to, on a subconscious level, truly understand that I, and no one else, is in charge of every step.

There’s no sitting around and being told what to do, it’s what I’ve been trying to get away from for so long! And now that I’m finally there I see that;
with freedom comes even greater responsibility.

I hereby surrender myself to:

Myself as my own boss.

Which involves:

0 blame-game; I can only blame myself when shit hits the fan.
Responsibility of my own actions; I’m pushing my dear nemesis Laziness out of Burj Khalifa.
Bravery; No one really cares what I take on. What is important is that I am enjoying it.
Routines and structure; not much to say here, everyone knows that it’s the way to go if life is made happening, instead of happening to you.
Proactivity; there’s always something I can do to push me in the right direction for my professional life. If I don’t have a task at hand I will educate myself in different softwares, story-telling etc.

Autumn and the rest of my life:
Hit me! 😀

Party in the Park

Nils and I traveled home from Skåne to attend Ash’s and Veronica’s massive messer. We were so hyped that we even ditched our parents meeting each other for the first time… Not good, but it was for a good cause 😉

The party started during the day and continued till’ late.

Nima was well-dressed per ush in his robe. Usually he’s not wearing anything but underwear because he hates pants. The robe was, of course, dropped later. DSC03293.jpg

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Veronica (on the left) is the best host in the world and treated us with drinks, snacks and LIFE.

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A waterwar erupted and I documented with a sneaky smile, protected behind the camera.

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As parties goes, it became messier the further into the night we got.

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A day and a half filled with funny friends and jolly moods.

Involuntary Models

These kindred spirits have been my models since I bought my first DSLR as a 14 year old. Hence, throughout the years, I’ve collected numerous of moments, starring them as the main characters.

Thank you mamma, pappa, Jessica & Jacob (a tad reluctant at first, but he loosened up) for letting me shove lenses extremely close to your eyes and trust me with it.IMG_4558 2.JPG

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As of this moment

Staring out on the humble rain
watching summer disintegrate

Leaves are shapeshifting
eavesdropping

to the marching band of autumn
appearing in the distance

humans, animals and plants alike
prepare to cocoon for a winter’s fortnight

Shenanigan’s in the South of Sweden

Where white beaches live and tiny beach-cottages are situated, I feel at home. My family and I travel to Falsterbo/Skanör in Skåne every year and for the two past years Magnus, my sister’s boyfriend, and Nils have joined too, which adds to it even more.

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Nils and I have been a couple for more than a year now and during this trip I experienced a new kind of depth to our relationship. It takes time to get to know someone and I finally feel like I am getting there with him. We ventured out every night on our own adventures. Mainly to look at the sunset, or the moonrise, depending on the time. Being in love and committing this wholly is one of the most exciting journey’s I’ve ever been on.

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We spent our days eating, drinking, tanning, running, biking aaaand in the end we looked at the Falsterbo Horse Show.

If you ever go there, go to Fiskerögeriet in Skanör and order a glutenfree shrimp-sandwich. It’s the one dish I long for every year.

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These beauties made me tremble behind the camera. DSC03136DSC03140

Speaking of love, these two sprinkle their shimmering twosomeness-love all over us. Nothing better than seeing our parents still rooting for each other and be the team they’ve always been, now with a touch of what seems to be a reawakening of their love. Am I being cheesy enough? I believe so.

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This trip was also the first time I took my Sony A7Sii out for some stills. I love the flatness  and the crispy feel to the photos.

Our Hyper Island Graduation

Between the 14th to 16th of June we had our graduation.

It started off on Wednesday with a reunion-breakfast. It was nuts seeing everyone again after 7 months apart. I was nervous, completely overly excited and of course, very happy.

We did our internship-presentations and Chris’s and mine made people laugh a lot = success! Hearing about everyone’s different experiences was incredibly useful for me since I haven’t been at a company. I got to learn about agency-hierarchy in London, idiot bosses in Amsterdam and about great company-culture in Copenhagen.

What struck me the most was how much everyone has grown. Same people, changed people.  Those who were nervous and insecure before were now filled with confidence and faith in themselves. Those who had that from the start were now filled with new learnings about themselves and what they want to do in this life.

On Friday we had reflection and a bunch of other traditions (many I can’t talk about because I don’t want to spoil it for other Hypers). The day transitioned into evening and we went to Färgfabriken to have dinner and party together.

 

Our visual sorceress ❤

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Was completely baffled by this beauty and had to contain myself to not stalk her with the camera all night long.

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My crazy partner in crime!

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Kimbo and I ❤

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In the midst of the sandwich is the best program manager anyone could ask for. The breads are two crunchy, intelligent beauties.

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We all got the chance to honor a classmate. I got this fella. Did I tear up whilst reading my text about him? Yes.

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That was the end of this journey and the beginning of the rest of our lives. The gratitude I feel for this Hyper experience and these humans, is colossal.

DMC17 – over n’ out. 

“His and Hers” The Backpack Version

Nils and I are backpack-people but backpacks tend to take up a lot of space when they’re just lying around somewhere, especially when you live on 36sqm.

That’s why we came up with the REVOLUTIONARY idea to hang them on the wall – which became really cute. Many of my friends have said “AW THAT’S ADORABLE, his and hers!” and so I decided to make a blogpost about it.

(Don’t miss out on enjoying the view of Nils’s legs there in the bg) 

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Nils’s black bag is from Rains

Mine is from the best bag-maker out there (unfortunately their website seems to be out of order): https://www.instagram.com/bagwetrust/

First day of school…again

Nervous excitement. Today is the beginning of Graduation Week at Hyper Island. We have not seen each other for 7 months and I am beyond stoked to meet everyone.

It’s the end of the beginning! The beginning of a life outside of school. Who knows, maybe I’ll start studying something again or just take courses (because we all know one has to keep the mind fresh).

All I’m feeling is:
HELLO NEW LIFE! It will be a pleasure to meet you.

Peeling layers of thought

I’ve been writing all day. I went to Haymarket, looked around in the beautiful milieu and had a coffee, or two actually, very important.
The act of going to a place to write, is special. You designate time to write. I don’t do that very often, but when I do, I cherish every second.
I mostly wrote “bullshit” today. I didn’t even attempt to start on a story, a couple of poems though. I mainly wrote down thoughts and observations of late to rinse my head from dying thoughts.
I believe that when one undergoes change, a mental change that is, the previous thought-patterns die. They’re replaced with the new knowledge, perspectives and deeper understandings one has acquired throughout days, weeks, months.
Change is peculiar because a human can change over night from an experience and sometimes, if nothing extraordinary happens, the change takes time.

All I know is that I have new thoughts. I see the world differently and it is exciting albeit a bit terrifying because I am shifting values. What used to be important does not feel as important any longer. As a result, my future might look different than I’ve been thinking it would.

I know I will be driven towards a cause rather than a goal. What that cause is, I am yet to figure out.

Freedom on a bike

I’ve been to Italy, in Padergnone. I biked there. Surrounded by mountains, fluffy trees sprinkled in green, lakes of emerald green, we flew forward. At least it felt like it. A sensation of freedom, one that got me all happy-tears-eyed. I looked at my father and brother biking before me and I, as I often do, was struck by immense love for them. I wept some more behind my golden Ray’s.
“Sensitive” would some say, “High on life and love” I’d respond 😉

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I’m sick of surpressing emotions. I used to get uncomfortable when my mom started crying for e v e r y t h i n g, now I love it (although I can’t help but mocking her a little when she cries over a cute bottle of wine or something). People are so held together these days, I prefer raw emotions. It’d be easier to decipher a person and get close if we became better at painting our inner states before each other, letting go of barriers and accept the feeling.

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My skin has changed color and my freckles have left hibernation. This weekend, the weather showed us just how amazing Stockholm can be. Today the temperature is steadily dropping, clouds cover the sky, the mood is mellow and I am swooning. This is the perfect writing moment. It’s when I’m filled with adventures and new experiences that I can relax and more than happily slide into writer’s mode. My mind feels pregnant. Filled with thoughts that are dying to be born into word combinations.

Jacob climbed Monte Bondone the fastest and hence “won” over the older youngsters. I missed my sister but apart from that it was splendid spending time with family and extended family. Splendid in the way of comfort and safety, unconditional love and support.

LEVEL UP: Adulthood

I sleep a lot these days. It’s as if my body and mind are slowly thawing, waking up from this winter’s hibernation. Spring is stalling and it’s frustrating to see the buds do everything in their power to come through but instead they get pushed back by frosty nights.

I am traveling to Italy next Tuesday. I picture myself there, in the hotel room that I will have for myself, not even sharing it with my brother because apparently that’s, unbeknownst to me, a perk of becoming/being an adult; you get your own room. I see how I will run up and down the hills, sink my body into the ocean and let the whole universe disappear above me.

When I’m there I should study psychology. I’ve taken myself through this course, this semester, but I am behind and on the 4th of June everything should be handed in. A major stress, because my performance-anxiety tells me to stay awake every night and study, my mind and rational self on the other hand, tells me something else. I’ve been wanting to study psychology for three years and I’ve been toying with the thought of studying it full-time. But now that I have, I’ve realized that the study of psychology; is not my kind of psychology.

I’ve this natural interest and curiosity for behaviors, traits, interactions etc. An interest which sparks a lot of questions, questions I want answers to, but not by going to school for five years. As this course has unraveled I’ve gained an insight; studying psychology takes away my curiosity for it. When I write my exams and tasks I tend to spiral away into philosophy and instead of answering the question, I ask more. It becomes more of a thesis that I write for myself instead of an answer to the given task.
This is a comforting insight and some sort of validation on me progressing as a human (that sounds rather pretentious). What I mean is that I feel quite done with questioning myself and “what I should do in life”. I have my line of work. I want to make film. Forever and ever (as of right now at least). Psychology will be my hobby.
I don’t have endless of years and I have to choose where I direct my energy, and it’s not by diving deep into psychology.

36 Squeeze Meter Party

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Last weekend Nils and I threw a moving-in party, which I named, cleverly, (if I may say so myself) “36 Squeeze Meter Party”. We had around 40 people here and the night was a blast. Some friends brought a smoke machine which altered the experience and turned our apt into a club. In the midst of partying, Fredrik asked us all to join in on a mantra. Within seconds, all of us sat down on the floor and sang along to:

Parvati’s Peace Song

It was amazing! It’s powerful to be in a crowd and sing together.

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My family came too, as well as Nils’s sister! The best parties are the ones with a mixed crowd. GAH. Can’t get over how much I love to host and have all my favorites at one place.

The last friends left at 3 and Nils and I fell asleep like two happy, satisfied campers. Like this happy:

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Fun Friends and Urban Burners

These past couple days have been amazing, despite feeling completely blue Sat-Wednesday. But then on Wednesday a bunch of my friends, from all different kind of circles, met up at Carmen. We said goodbye to one Indian who’s going to Amsterdam and Hi to our long lost friends that have been back in India for too many months.

Sonja looks like she’s checking someone out real bad. 

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On Thursday Chris and I met up with a wonderful person who we’re helping filming her wedding-speech. Such a beautiful thing to take part in such a private project! Her love and happiness rubbed off on me big time.

After that it was time for a well-needed 24h hang with my girls! We went to Uppsala for a night. We ate baguettes with delicious toppings, drank cava and wine and then headed out for a fun night.
We started at Bierhaus, moved on to Shotluckan where they had really cool shots and we devoured them like horses devour grass.
With shots in our bellies we moved on to Flustret where we danced to the live-act, performed by Blackness!

The night was fun with a lot of dancing. The day after we had brekkie, talked, played cards and then we slothed our way back to Stockholm.

I arrived home, took a nap and then headed to Nils’s parents where we hung out for a while till’ the whole gang took an uber to Nobelberget to attend Urban Burn. My friends have an exhibition there now so we all have passes. It was neat to be in a place where people’s attitudes are all about openness, love and “being who one is”.

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We were glittery and the sky was a rainbow.

Fall. In. Love. Again. and. Again

I fell in love three days ago when we sat in the bed of a friend, surrounded by friends, and we made jokes that no one else gets
This morning you walked into the bathroom as a bearded man
When you came out you had shed your beard
I on the other hand, shed nothing
I only layered up with love,
I fell,
for you
again

I’ve known that love, that overused word, becomes stronger over time
I feel it for friends every time I meet them
I fall in love with them
It’s the self-explanatory kind of love,
the one that tells me that whatever evil you, my friend, might do to me,
I’ll always love you

With you on the other hand
When I fall, over
and
over
stronger
and stronger

It’s not with certainty
It comes in shockwaves
As if you baffle me with your sheer existence,
and you’re standing there, open to my loving you
Who am I then to not be completely absorbed
To not take my chance on falling
in
love
again
When it’s the greatest experience of them all

The difference is that whatever evil you might do to me
I won’t always love you
I won’t forgive

Perhaps that’s the reason to why I let myself lean in into what is us
Because I know that it’s not for certain
So I take my chances with braveity
For it’s the only way I will know
that whatever pain might come my way because of you
at least I loved whole-heartedly, with every piece of me
and when one has done that
there are no regrets
no wrong-doings
nothing that could have been done differently

Little Miss Fuck-Up

Yesterday I went out bowling and got drunk instead of studying. Today my wrist is hurting from the bowling balls, guess that’s the price you have to pay when you’re the winner 😉

I try to let go of control, an attempt to not live up to the “Little Miss Perfect” – ideal. I don’t do my chores as I should, I try to take life not so seriously because it usually leaves me in a position where I feel stressed out for no reason. I’m fighting the “have to’s and should do’s” with a more laidback me, but this results in me feeling out of control and a lack of self-esteem because “I can’t seem to do anything right nor good”. I know it’s good for me to let go, but the struggle to feel fine in letting go is perhaps more difficult than being in control.

It’s as if though I’m rummaging through my life e v e r y day, turning it inside out in an attempt to figure… well… something out. Is it possible to be a teenager twice? Because my mind cuts me no slack what so ever these days. It’s as if I’ve thought so hard for so long that it’s now wired to analyze everything that happens to cross my path.

Internal battles without a commander in chief are not fruitful at all. Perhaps I just have to woman-up and stop questioning myself so damn much and instead be a proud boss who knows it’s employee sometimes fails and that is o k e y. 

 

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