What if all my tiny revolutions
don’t have solutions
What if they’re just cascades of charades hoping to pull down the facades
But never succeed because what I can’t see
I will play the part until something do us part
Feelings in an uproar
The combustion from all the commotion
Lead to a verbalization
Feelings, they spoke in perfect harmony
Word by word, rose purposely
Landed without friction
Far away from malediction
Derived from purity
Came absolute surety
Stemming from intuition, a notion
From the unwanted notion, an angst
In the whirlwind of angst, a force
It is clarity.
With a winking eye, a smirk
It beckons you, surrender
The notion may be true, if so
The grief is solely temporary
Wheras you, stand solid forever
Beneath the heavy cloud blanket are people with gloomy faces. Some attempt to smile, but most succumb to the pressing darkness.
In the news, scientists report that we’re more prone to becoming depressed, that the lack of light disrupts our sleeping patterns and that we’re more drawn to sugar because of it.
We haven’t seen the sun in a month.
The superstitious ones will say it’s because we took corona too lightly, that the darkest december in 83 years is a punishment for our liberal mindsets.
Whereas the more pragmatic ones, those who are up for the challenge, see it as the ultimate test, can you manage and maintain a bright mind and a positive outlook in darkness? If I could, I’d place windows in the clouds, just to get a glimpse of the energetic light.
I think about how these situations make us seem more like the animals we are, how our physical dependencies take away some of our human, chimerical superiority.
How it emphasizes that we, after all, are simply creatures of light who feel sad when it’s taken away from us.
We’re experiencing from screens;
human, animal, machine.
I feel like I’ve been to the US, Africa and Asia, I sure make references as if I would’ve.
I pluck a vague memory from a series made in anywhere, which faulty leads me to believe, this, what I see, is how it must be there.
I feel like I’ve swum with sharks, stroked the pyramids and shook hands with Attenborough.
But wait, I’m still on furlough?
As we were locked up from reality we got locked by fiction.
Nothing new really, but I wonder –
will a time come when we stop differentiating between the two?
Does this mean your reality is mine… too?
Or where do I draw the line between reality, fiction and time spent in both of them?
Why are my memories a mush of Kardashian’s stash and my grandmother’s potato mash?
And why do I refer to meme accounts as if they were people, friend’s even?
Can brains sustain if they are kept in chains smouldered by input that’s insane?
Because it is if you think about it, I know you have, all these people you scroll and stop by every day – you don’t see them as living beings say? No more than you would fictional characters in a series.
So tell me, if your real life mostly takes place in a digital space – is your perceived reality actually fiction?
A laughter here
A smile there
A joke that made them choke
A pun that wasn’t that fun, but,
I sprinkle, just so I can see eyes twinkle
For a brief moment
I rid them of torment
For if laughter is the gateway to joy,
I’ll gladly be their jolly toy
And so I sprinkle
I sprinkle till’ I can no longer hear
my own thoughts screaming out of fear
“I don’t belong here”
I see a trembling star, I ask her,
“Why do you tremble?”
“I am afraid of the dark.”
“You? You who are made of light!”
“The light you see is who I used to be. Now I’m naught but a rock.”
I put my hand on her cold, rugged body, in an attempt to calm her down, as I tell her;
“You know, just because you’re consumed by darkness, doesn’t mean others can’t see your light.”
It’s easy to become restless on an empty sea. I searched for islands, islets and land. I found nothing there. I continued, I hoped for rowdy waves, deep caves even whales. My patience departed as I struck my foot down on a nail. Blood came out and ah, finally, pain. It wasn’t the sensation I was looking for and so I opened my eyes even more. A storm came by, an eye for an eye, my oh my. It cluttered the sky with lofty promises, lifeless jokes, hollow laughter of damp atoms. I screamed to the sky. Is no one out here but I?! What the hell am I fighting for if this is all, no more? I laughed but only madness left my mouth. As the storm settled, morning came, I picked up binoculars in a last attempt. Raw anger from the night before tingling in my ice-cold hands, blurry vision, is this my decision? As the world sharpened my eyes were blinded by the sun. Is this a pun? In all of this, it was just as is. I let out a sigh, rays reaching out, tearing at my eyes. Struck by the unforgiving sense of living and as light tickled the insides of my eyelids, I whispered into the empty sea, behold my dear, watch me soar away with zero damn fear.
Distinguishing who I am without you
Extinguishing who you say I am, before you
I am nothing without your gaze
Although, I may be shrewed in it too
I take a pick of what you say I am, make a mental note, the rest I denote
Because at times I concur to your perception
You can even be a perfect reflection
I’ve learned, however, that attributing each other is a dangerous quest
It pays no regard to change as the zest
I want you to roam free in whatever you happen to be
In this moment
In the ones to come
If I fail, lock you down in a constant singularity
Remind me of our universality
Fearless in my own skin, I struck
I swept in, caught you off-guard
My sounds showered your mind, sent shivers through your spine
We rumbled together that night
drenched in the moment
absorbed by each other
I was a lot for you,
covering the sky with my presence
you encouraged it
We calmed down
the morning settled
you slowly rose
I became aware of my actions, of my excessiveness
As your vast gaze met mine,
you painted my cheeks in a hazy red
New to me, I became a blushing storm
I came naked out of the shower when I noticed;
the first rays of summer-sun shone onto my bed.
As if they were a blanket, I crawled underneath them and let their gentle warmth caress my body.
This body which had yearned for their touch throughout a winter’s eternity.
As she spread her energy all over me, I let out a tender tear. One filled up with all that longing, released into a powerful sensation of belonging.
Little did I know, that summer would be…
I noticed today that the leaves on the branches were bleached
that their comrades had fallen to the ground
A dry summer leads to preterm death
I learned that the sun can take lives
just as it gives life
that everything in abundance,
and so I greet rain when nature yearns for it
Just as I release a drop of my own
when my sun-deprived body is touched by the first rays of summer-sun
The vibrant swaying of the bass-strings, they lure me in until I’m thrown out and caught by the whimsical beating of the drums.
Rhythmic, never harmful.
Dumbfounded, I smile.
I watch the drummer as I imitate his moves with my arms. In response, he raises an eyebrow in amused confusion.
I’m swept up by the vibrations of the guitar, or more so, by the guitarist. His stance, leaning against the piano, emanates sex. A woman in the audience is captivated by him, she has caught his eye. They flirt in the invisible open, I ponder, in the background, over all that can be said without words.
Somewhere in-between the jazz-bar, the red wine touching my tongue beneath the heat lamps and the sunny steps of Montmartre, I feel it. The long-forgotten, self-inflicted happiness comes surging through me.
We’re thoughts circling the insides of a beehive
Colliding, connecting, introspecting
We think to achieve, to thrive and believe
All has been said, I think, as I lay down my pen
No thought is unique, it’s all on repeat
My words are shadows of scribbled notes,
of poems, novels, of scripts from before
But, what else can I do than to play some more?
I didn’t know you for long.
A day after your death I backtracked how long we actually had known each other for.
I counted two months, an insight which lead to instant disappointment because in this world we put the length of any relationship on a piedestal.
I pushed that annoying inkling of disappointment away because in my world I treasure the impact of a relationship, how we affected each other during our time together. I now know that two months can be as wholly as 5 years.
We were becoming friends but more than that too because you were the first person I dared to think of as a possible mentor.
Your manners toward others inspired me. You made everyone feel seen at the same time as you jokingly teased them about a minor detail in their own manners.
I witnessed how you brought those manners to the surface and I saw in the persons face that no one, except himself, had ever noticed it, which in return left him smiling.
You saw and made seen, in the most loving, joyful of ways.
As autumn came marching in and the first rain fell heavily, we stood waiting to go out for lunch. I said something in the likes of “Into the darkness we go…” you looked at me with a half-smile and a shrug, saying “I know many people don’t like this weather but I’ve always seen it as something beautiful because it’s as if the world becomes clean.”
I never told you how much I appreciated you, I never had the chance to ask you if you could be my mentor, even after I would’ve quit. Because we thought we had time, you said it constantly “focus on this now, we’ll dive into that later” but Gustaf, you know, later never came.
Thank you for teaching me, in the most horrid of ways, never to hold back on declarations of love.
Rain was pouring down when I walked home from the subway tonight. Out of nowhere I was struck by your words, as if the rain itself whispered in your voice “The world gets clean”.
So from here on now my friend, I promise that I’ll forever keep that glittery view of the world in mind whenever it cleans, I mean rains.
The eyes we meet, the words we speak
in the now we guess
in the morrow we know
the words were spoken
but the guessings were broken
the eyes we met fret nothing
the mind to which the eyes belonged,
listened to understand
did its’ utter most to grasp
drew conclusions even
but you know, as I know
we’re built off of momentarily truths
for change is inevitable as such
it boils us down to nothing
until tomorrow gives us something
and so the story goes on
about those who knew
until they knew anew
Between two souls lie a path
it’s riddled with obstacles
they hold hands and on the path they
dodge to the ground
one looks forward
one looks backward
so to keep an eye open for all that may intervene
they hord experiences along the way
picking fruits from each other’s brains
They’re feasting off of each other
Cherishing the moment they found one another
the ones they’re in, the ones that will come
One day one of the souls hopes it’s hallucinating
for in the horizon the path is sectioning
From forces, as well as reasons, unbeknownst to both
they’re forced into separation
Not by will for who wants to end such a thrill?
Rather, an inkling of something undeclared
perhaps a future not shared
They cry and grasp for each other
scream and shout as their fingers disentangle
Behind them the path dissolves
onto their own they go
In the torture they find comfort
if they met by chance ones
it may happen twice, if not;
You tell me how beautiful I look
how my dress makes you shook
Your body leaves no doubt
it yearns for mine with all its might
Your compliments I sow,
for vanity is not to tow
My looks are in diminuendo
my mind’s a brave crescendo
Filled with deviations
in need of attention
Attempting to be all it can
learning to play with what’s at hand
to be a
perhaps even a brilliant person
Despite my mindful aspirations
I’ve never once heard you utter words
of earnest appreciation
I pull my hair in what’s a combination of stress and frenzy. It’s dry and frazzled. I’ve been expecting it to fall off this winter. A winter that has been too long and cold. I’ve also been expecting myself to run away several times but I never have. Instead I’ve tucked the notion of other world’s far back into my mind next to pillars of budgets and other necessary practicalities.
Baby-steps, my friend reminded me.
You are hurried in life, my partner said and gazed steadfast into my eyes.
Deep, patient breaths along with the understanding of phases, are what I’m forcing myself to be guided by this year.
As a curious, restless being it’s difficult to settle with anything that is.
I question, reconsider, think again, question more, toss and turn what is to see what may be. Career-wise, loveships, friendships, living situation, as a matter of fact – all parts of life.
I see different lives fly me by and I wonder if that could be me and what that ‘I’ would think of it. Not out of dissatisfaction neccessarily but rather out of curiosity and “Would it be possible?”.
I’m learning to be content in my current situation and remain there for a while. Something that is a new occurrence for me and I guess that is an adventure in itself too. For if I learn it, I allow myself to make the most out of the now and when one does that, all adventures and new situations become a welcome extra.
The four of us sat in an Airbnb bed, freshly arrived into an Amsterdam in February shroud, sipping Cava and red wine.
A constellation of friends that has not been obvious but rather worked on. Connected through our eagerness to connect, out of curiosity for one another.
Sharing memories of current and former boyfriends through videos. I on the other hand, showed a video of me and my dogs.
With swollen tongues we later fell into a discussion of the enveloping of life-events. C outed the idea of; whatever should happen, will happen.
Whilst S promptly argumented that; No! It can’t solely be by chance can it?! Certainly we must be in more control than so? And isn’t that a lazy thought? To simply relax into the notion of life’s motion?
Well, C argued, inbetween those events you make decisions and those you can control but the outcome of those decisions are not in your control.
people a hundred years from now
will look back at us
in the” rich” world
Why didn’t you stop this from happening?
There are no flowers any longer
We have no trees
no longer buzz around our elbows and knees
The sun is scorching our skin
water tastes like tin
How could you forget nature is a living thing?
and it shall die
Who always survives the harshest conditions?
We are intelligent scum
Let’s be intelligent life
Lips touching for the millionth time
yet I know, soon you’ll no longer be mine
Just like my goosebumps spread like fire,
from a kiss filled with your desire,
Our love flees us
thus, we fight to keep it intact
when all we should do is let it have an impact
Let it leave us teary with red eyes
whilst we’re saying our goodbyes
No one knows why love ends
All I know is, there’s more to find somewhere else
I’m still in bed, 2pm on a Saturday. I’m scavenging the Internet for interesting articles, new tech, business-tips and psychology-papers.
Nah, not quite. I’m scanning the web for clothes and blogs 😉
Look at this beauty. This tree made me incredibly happy and it lives right by us! What a perk.
I’m in shut-up quarantine because I lost my voice last Friday and so it’s been an interesting week in terms of “how to communicate without a voice”. I’ve been dealing with it on 3 concerts, business-meetings, as well as during random encounters with cashiers, door-holders (been wheezing out a “sääänk you”) and when I’ve tried to get my dog to listen to me.
I’m in awe of everyone who is mute/deaf. I’ve been feeling a lot like a prisoner in my own mind, but then again, I don’t know sign-language hence I can’t communicate that way. It brought me to the conclusion of how ignorant it is that sign-language is not a mandatory class in schools, at least not in Sweden.
Why dismiss the ability to communicate with a large amount of the population?
I’ll just have to learn on my own I guess!
We went to see The National, a band Nils introduced to me, whose songs I really enjoy, until last Sunday. The front-man was a bit of a douche on stage. He started off by saying “Hey. We were out last night and so this is going to be a short, shitty show.” He was right. Except for the short-part, it was too long and shitty. He threw water on the audience on several occasions – I mean, come on, you sing slow ballads, this is not a rock-concert. My rant could go on… It was a sweet night however because we were three couples! My first triple-date ever.
The day after we went to see Gorillaz.
HOLY COW THEY ARE AMAZING. What a show! When Sex Murder Party came on I totally flipped in my euphoria. I went with these two twins whom I like very, very much.
On Tuesday I had a long-sought-after girl’s night. Stine brought facial masks and we laughed our butts off because Sonja’s mask was a bubble-mask (now whatever the purpose of that may be) and she looked a lot like the wolf-man.
Nils and I made pizza for dinner on glutenfree-dough which resulted in two massive pan-pizz. His with serrano, ruccola and champignon, mine with chevré, figs, honey and ruccola.
I was extremely tired last night. My new job, (first real job after my graduation!!) at this fantastic start-up called Referanza; that you all should check out because I believe that you too want your potential micro influencers to recommend your product/service/brand to all their friends, makes me happy-tired. Nonetheless, Nils and I headed to Petsound Bar yesterday to support our friends in the band Ella Blondes – they absolutely rocked it!
It’s been a pumping week so far. Time to leave bed and head to the gym for the first time in a week. Yiha!
I walk down to the park by Karlaplan that has a fountain in the middle of it. I see the Mc Donald’s where Anna bought burgers, fries and ice-cream to our heart-broken friend. I see the bench where we sat down for an hour, talked, laughed and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, reminding her of all good that came out of their relationship.
The day after we are sipping wine on my balcony for hours on end in the first warm strokes of brighter times. We are having the type of conversations which draws you in completely and fully. Where all of my attention is on the four eyes before me, their thoughts, which they formulate into words and land in my mind. In those moments I always think: this is what I keep on living for. This connection, the sharing of past experiences and the now, the stubborn will to understand, the urge to be there for one another and the quiet crackling of invisible bonds being made.
I took a photo, of course, and they damned me for being insensitive.
“I’m crying Josie, damn it! Could you just not take a photo right now?!”
I utter an excuse but in my mind I’m thinking: I need to capture this moment.
I want to remember.
That was the start of this summer and all of a sudden, as I am looking at the fountain, the memories from it come spiraling down from the sky and I experience it all again in a miniscule version.
It’s the 29th of October today, yet christmas seems further away than the summer we recently left behind does. Because it never stopped. I couldn’t believe it, is this my life now? One endless party with amazing, intriguing people who seem to be appearing out of nowhere.
The fountain keeps splashing water on me but I don’t care, I’m stuck in reflection.
What have these past months done to me?
They made me grow.
As a friend, a partner, a family-member, a professional, a party-animal 😉
I’ve experimented with my limits a lot. I’ve pushed mental barriers away into a deep dark corner of my mind until they’ve dissolved and tried my best to set myself free, to let go of control.
I’m a firm believer in that keeping principles of how life should be lived is the main reason to feeling dissatisfied, these months became the proof of that. For never have I felt this calm within. Even in anxious moments I can remain sane in the comforting thought of: “Only because you’re feeling this right now does not mean it will be you forever.”
As kids we explore, try and fail. As adults we try so hard to remain the same. Maybe because it’s worked so far, maybe because it’s the easy way out.
These past experiences became an important reminder of that without this pushing of myself, I’d never would have reached who I am today. A version of me that is probably the best one so far, something I’m very proud of.
It’s due to a little push from within but mainly thanks to each and every person that I’ve had the privilege to spend time with.
I’m going to keep pushing, exploring and experimenting.
I will grow but I will never grow up.
With that motivational quote, I leave you 😉
Shoulders up by my ears
Freezing wind, forcing tears
A jacket too cold
Stockings too thin
Autumn begging to begin
Kisses from him
Comforts me in the whirlwind
of endings; beginnings
Every winter I flee
to a land with endless green leaves
Yet I remain
for here are my kin
keeping me warm from within
Suddenly the limbo-state in which I’ve found myself to be in for a while, cleared up and showed me what it was actually about.
I’ve felt torn between running my own business and waiting for someone else to command me to do something. I’ve wanted to start my own company since I was 16 (I’m now 23) and when it finally happened, a couple of months back, I felt the immediate joy of starting up but not the long-lasting enjoyment of it.
My whole life I’ve been in school or at a job with rules to follow, a boss/teacher to listen to. I’ve been told what to do, what the next step will be and what my task is – for 22 years.
Those are many years under command.
Now, forgive my incapability of understanding this seemingly simple fact:
I am now my own boss.
The discrepancy and confusion occurs in this newly-found freedom, the privilege of being able to choose how to lead ones life but first and foremost: how to do it.
I’ve experienced a certain need to be told what to do since we started Yadi Yada. Therefore, when we got our first clients I felt reassured, like a sweet safety-blanket that was wrapped around me, a recognition of familiarity – someone finally tells me what to do.
Which is the complete opposite of what I had been yearning for right? I now understand that in order for me to fully and wholly absorb the concept of being the captain of my own ship, I have to give it some time, wrapped in patience, to reach the entrepreneur-harbour. Boring conclusion maybe but as I am settling in into adulthood it becomes more and more obvious that I am in charge of my life. And since I am now choosing to live my life the way I do, I have to, on a subconscious level, truly understand that I, and no one else, is in charge of every step.
There’s no sitting around and being told what to do, it’s what I’ve been trying to get away from for so long! And now that I’m finally there I see that;
with freedom comes even greater responsibility.
I hereby surrender myself to:
Myself as my own boss.
– 0 blame-game; I can only blame myself when shit hits the fan.
– Responsibility of my own actions; I’m pushing my dear nemesis Laziness out of Burj Khalifa.
– Bravery; No one really cares what I take on. What is important is that I am enjoying it.
– Routines and structure; not much to say here, everyone knows that it’s the way to go if life is made happening, instead of happening to you.
– Proactivity; there’s always something I can do to push me in the right direction for my professional life. If I don’t have a task at hand I will educate myself in different softwares, story-telling etc.
Autumn and the rest of my life:
Hit me! 😀
Nils and I traveled home from Skåne to attend Ash’s and Veronica’s massive messer. We were so hyped that we even ditched our parents meeting each other for the first time… Not good, but it was for a good cause 😉
The party started during the day and continued till’ late.
Nima was well-dressed per ush in his robe. Usually he’s not wearing anything but underwear because he hates pants. The robe was, of course, dropped later.
Veronica (on the left) is the best host in the world and treated us with drinks, snacks and LIFE.
A waterwar erupted and I documented with a sneaky smile, protected behind the camera.
As parties goes, it became messier the further into the night we got.
A day and a half filled with funny friends and jolly moods.
These kindred spirits have been my models since I bought my first DSLR as a 14 year old. Hence, throughout the years, I’ve collected numerous of moments, starring them as the main characters.
Thank you mamma, pappa, Jessica & Jacob (a tad reluctant at first, but he loosened up) for letting me shove lenses extremely close to your eyes and trust me with it.
Staring out on the humble rain
watching summer disintegrate
Leaves are shapeshifting
to the marching band of autumn
appearing in the distance
humans, animals and plants alike
prepare to cocoon for a winter’s fortnight
Where white beaches live and tiny beach-cottages are situated, I feel at home. My family and I travel to Falsterbo/Skanör in Skåne every year and for the two past years Magnus, my sister’s boyfriend, and Nils have joined too, which adds to it even more.
Nils and I have been a couple for more than a year now and during this trip I experienced a new kind of depth to our relationship. It takes time to get to know someone and I finally feel like I am getting there with him. We ventured out every night on our own adventures. Mainly to look at the sunset, or the moonrise, depending on the time. Being in love and committing this wholly is one of the most exciting journey’s I’ve ever been on.
We spent our days eating, drinking, tanning, running, biking aaaand in the end we looked at the Falsterbo Horse Show.
If you ever go there, go to Fiskerögeriet in Skanör and order a glutenfree shrimp-sandwich. It’s the one dish I long for every year.
These beauties made me tremble behind the camera.
Speaking of love, these two sprinkle their shimmering twosomeness-love all over us. Nothing better than seeing our parents still rooting for each other and be the team they’ve always been, now with a touch of what seems to be a reawakening of their love. Am I being cheesy enough? I believe so.
This trip was also the first time I took my Sony A7Sii out for some stills. I love the flatness and the crispy feel to the photos.
Between the 14th to 16th of June we had our graduation.
It started off on Wednesday with a reunion-breakfast. It was nuts seeing everyone again after 7 months apart. I was nervous, completely overly excited and of course, very happy.
We did our internship-presentations and Chris’s and mine made people laugh a lot = success! Hearing about everyone’s different experiences was incredibly useful for me since I haven’t been at a company. I got to learn about agency-hierarchy in London, idiot bosses in Amsterdam and about great company-culture in Copenhagen.
What struck me the most was how much everyone has grown. Same people, changed people. Those who were nervous and insecure before were now filled with confidence and faith in themselves. Those who had that from the start were now filled with new learnings about themselves and what they want to do in this life.
On Friday we had reflection and a bunch of other traditions (many I can’t talk about because I don’t want to spoil it for other Hypers). The day transitioned into evening and we went to Färgfabriken to have dinner and party together.
Our visual sorceress ❤
Was completely baffled by this beauty and had to contain myself to not stalk her with the camera all night long.
My crazy partner in crime!
Kimbo and I ❤
In the midst of the sandwich is the best program manager anyone could ask for. The breads are two crunchy, intelligent beauties.
We all got the chance to honor a classmate. I got this fella. Did I tear up whilst reading my text about him? Yes.
That was the end of this journey and the beginning of the rest of our lives. The gratitude I feel for this Hyper experience and these humans, is colossal.
DMC17 – over n’ out.