Writings

Free-writing my way to freedom


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I’m in a room on Gotland in a beautiful summer house. There are five new, for me, people sleeping in the other rooms. They’re my team-mates on this shortfilm-shoot. Yesterday I rode for four hours straight and I felt empowered and free sitting on the horse Irina. My co-actress and I roamed the fields, cantered, trotted and flung ourselves down over the horses when they steered us into low-hanging branches.

I’ve been living with a tiny nervous-knot in my tummy for a while and I can’t figure out why. It’s a feeling of stress that might come from conflicting thoughts. Because in my mind I feel like a stray dog, going everywhere, going nowhere, going places. Thinking of every possible outcome of my decisions, contemplating on what I can do differently, am I doing enough? What more can I do? Am I missing something?
Yet I’m more tied down than every with an apartment, bonds to pay, living with my partner, running a company etc.

Life feels intrusive, or rather, I feel life a lot. Everything that happens makes my mind spiral into a cave of thoughts regarding what happened. It’s exhausting. Instead of simply existing and having fun I’m constantly drawn deeper into my internal state of mind, scrutinizing every moment of an event.

When a child grows, their brains create thousands of superfluous synapses, which they later shed. And I feel like that, as if my mind is shedding and transitioning, adapting and making sense of my “new” life.

Over-thinking is the theme for my past months. “Stop over-thinking”. I hear it so many times, I even tell my friends that. Maybe there is danger to over-thinking, especially if you’re wired in a self-destructive way, then the thoughts can bring one down completely. But on the other side of the coin, I believe over-thinking can do good. It’s a way of making sense of ones world and when one topic is turned inside out and thought of from all perspectives, then it’s done right? No need to think about it any more.
Therefore I let go, I write and trust the process. The flaring thoughts will subside sooner or later and a lighter version of a mind will protrude.
Just like when the spring-buds arrive and I can sense nature taking a deep breath of relief, that’s the liberation I’m yearning for.

As of now I solely feel like a prisoner in my own mind. There are too many thoughts in a tiny space and all the superfluous ones opress the new thoughts that are down there somewhere. I haven’t had any new ideas in a long time and that is usually a reaction to me not being well.
My body is reacting too, my heart beats like a woodpecker pecks, and if my thoughts are the woodpecker, I want to shoot the woodpecker.

An example of how the woodpecker works, take my headline that I just re-read:
“But what is freedom?” “Is it being allowing to ones thoughts and emotions and not putting any further value to them?” “Is it the privilege of being able to contemplate?” “Is it having a progressive government?”

I guess my kind of freedom is the one where I simply act and is reacted upon without questioning myself and not letting other’s questioning concern me. 

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