Daily, Writings

Your mind goes beautifully with that dress

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You tell me how beautiful I look
how my dress makes you shook
Your body leaves no doubt
it yearns for mine with all its might
Your compliments I sow,
for vanity is not to tow
My looks are in diminuendo
my mind’s a brave crescendo
Filled with deviations
in need of attention
Attempting to be all it can
learning to play with what’s at hand
to be a
perhaps even a brilliant person
Despite my mindful aspirations
I’ve never once heard you utter words
of earnest appreciation


Free-writing my way to freedom

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I’m in a room on Gotland in a beautiful summer house. There are five new, for me, people sleeping in the other rooms. They’re my team-mates on this shortfilm-shoot. Yesterday I rode for four hours straight and I felt empowered and free sitting on the horse Irina. My co-actress and I roamed the fields, cantered, trotted and flung ourselves down over the horses when they steered us into low-hanging branches.

I’ve been living with a tiny nervous-knot in my tummy for a while and I can’t figure out why. It’s a feeling of stress that might come from conflicting thoughts. Because in my mind I feel like a stray dog, going everywhere, going nowhere, going places. Thinking of every possible outcome of my decisions, contemplating on what I can do differently, am I doing enough? What more can I do? Am I missing something?
Yet I’m more tied down than every with an apartment, bonds to pay, living with my partner, running a company etc.

Life feels intrusive, or rather, I feel life a lot. Everything that happens makes my mind spiral into a cave of thoughts regarding what happened. It’s exhausting. Instead of simply existing and having fun I’m constantly drawn deeper into my internal state of mind, scrutinizing every moment of an event.

When a child grows, their brains create thousands of superfluous synapses, which they later shed. And I feel like that, as if my mind is shedding and transitioning, adapting and making sense of my “new” life.

Over-thinking is the theme for my past months. “Stop over-thinking”. I hear it so many times, I even tell my friends that. Maybe there is danger to over-thinking, especially if you’re wired in a self-destructive way, then the thoughts can bring one down completely. But on the other side of the coin, I believe over-thinking can do good. It’s a way of making sense of ones world and when one topic is turned inside out and thought of from all perspectives, then it’s done right? No need to think about it any more.
Therefore I let go, I write and trust the process. The flaring thoughts will subside sooner or later and a lighter version of a mind will protrude.
Just like when the spring-buds arrive and I can sense nature taking a deep breath of relief, that’s the liberation I’m yearning for.

As of now I solely feel like a prisoner in my own mind. There are too many thoughts in a tiny space and all the superfluous ones opress the new thoughts that are down there somewhere. I haven’t had any new ideas in a long time and that is usually a reaction to me not being well.
My body is reacting too, my heart beats like a woodpecker pecks, and if my thoughts are the woodpecker, I want to shoot the woodpecker.

An example of how the woodpecker works, take my headline that I just re-read:
“But what is freedom?” “Is it being allowing to ones thoughts and emotions and not putting any further value to them?” “Is it the privilege of being able to contemplate?” “Is it having a progressive government?”

I guess my kind of freedom is the one where I simply act and is reacted upon without questioning myself and not letting other’s questioning concern me. 


Saturday Morning Thoughtlings

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His warm body slides down next to mine, despite the early hour, I am too awake for my own good. I steal kisses even though I know he would have prefered me not noticing his arrival, because he doesn’t want to disturb me. It must be around 4-5 in the morning and now that I’m awake I can’t find the platform to the sleep-train.

I toss and turn for a while, I want to be close, I want his heartbeat to sway me back to sleep but his chest hurts my ear and I end up next to him instead.

The alarm goes off, yanks me out of sleep and allows all the uncanny dreams I’ve been having surface to my consciousness. We cuddle and he is in good spirits as usual, I feel like a dream-walker, not really asleep and not in reality just yet.

In a jiffy he’s out the door, he leaves with an “I love you” but I don’t hear so he looks at me long-faced. He repeats and I repeat.

Whilst I’m breaking my fast I look at the dreary sky, feeling happy that time is moving slowly today and I let out a small wish saying “Please weather, stay gloomy.”

In the distance I hear the cavalry choirs sing to the comforting tone of a church bell, they make for an interesting combination, I think of it as a chant of war and faith. The tune is abruptly disturbed by the noise from an ambulance. Isn’t that life in a nutshell? Whenever one is experiencing a highly satisfying moment, something disrupts it. During a deep conversation with a friend, a silent moment by the beach in the sunset, sex, etc. someone or something comes in like an extra in a movie and forces the main characters to stop doing what they’re doing. As if it’s a reminder of how life is not a silent moment by the beach, but actually filled with life at all times, and life can’t be ignored or stoved away, it simply is.


Daily, Photos

Juggle life

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Spent the day at Anna’s. This weekend I’ve been taking it abnormally chill. Felt like I ran into a tiny wall last Wednesday due to too many impressions and a brain which runs on top-speed with too little fuel. So I had to wind down.

Spent last night at Sonja’s, with play-dough. Haha. We made this fella’, or I did, the other’s gave up and started throwing dough on each other instead. Play-Dough must be the best invention ever for fidgety humans (like me) whom always have to do something with their hands.

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Anna and I discussed that it’s a fine balance between juggling all pieces of life in a balanced way contra simply “juggle”, everything is equal to: school 8-5pm/work out/breathe/study/do side projects/work/have a social life/sleep enough etc.

We both have come to our senses about the fact that it’s not possible to do everything one wants to do without listening to one’s body. Give the body and mind a break once in a while and they will give you energy. Simple as that…? Or is it? When does it develop into something unmanageable? How do you know when it’s becoming too much? I’d say: Be attentive to the body’s signals, it tell’s you everything you need to know.

Stockholm appeared in its’ most dazzling autumn attire this afternoon.

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Bod & Bud

Does the body have limits?

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Yesterday a friend of mine asked me to join her crossfit-program.
10min x2
First 10:
10 Tuck(?) jumps
10 dips
20 kb swings

Second 10:
40 overhead lunges w 10kg
30 box-jumps
20 mountain climbers
10 pushups

5 minutes into the first set, I was doomed. My pulse was raging. Every time I stood up my vision got blurry and the blood in my fingers, wasn’t there. I continued. 

“PUUUSH! You can do it! COME ON!” She screamed and I gave a puppy-eye look X3000 “please make it stop”. And that’s the thing. I am in charge. I am the one who can make it stop. Yet we continue, all of us who tend to push our bodies to its’ limit, in one way or the other. Because in our ignorance we believe we have no limits, because they can always be pushed. And that is what makes exercise a bliss. Minutes of complete control of oneself. Where the body overtakes the mind and where the super-ego is forced to step back to let ones id protrude.
I pushed limits yesterday. I realized I had nearly fainted when the world went black for a millisecond. Then I coughed blood because I guess a blood vessel burst within my lung. After that I forced my food to stay in the stomach when all I really wanted to do was puke all over the kettle bells.

Today I listen to my asthmatic lungs. They are screaming. They are damaged. They are muscles. And as all muscles do – they grow stronger after being damaged.

To put this pressure on one’s body is something I’d never do everyday. One of the most important lessons to learn when exercising and how to gain most out of it, is simply to allow the body to repair itself, and force one’s psyche to listen to the body and its needs. Needless to say, I do workout everyday, I sweat every damn day, because movement is fuel to the body and mind.

It does not matter if you are new to pushing your bodys’ limits, or in what way you do it. As long as you do. Always listen to your body and remember never to feel inferior when you see all the muscle-mountains/strengthy looking humans, roaming around in the gym, because your journey is yours and has nothing to do with anyone else. Regard the others in the gym as motivators, live off of their mental strength when you see them that day when you are feeling low on energy and not in the mood to even warm-up. We are a team, what differentiates us is that we have individual journeys.