Writings

Daily, Writings

Five Months of summer


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I walk down to the park by Karlaplan that has a fountain in the middle of it. I see the Mc Donald’s where Anna bought burgers, fries and ice-cream to our heart-broken friend. I see the bench where we sat down for an hour, talked, laughed and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, reminding her of all good that came out of their relationship.

The day after we are sipping wine on my balcony for hours on end in the first warm strokes of brighter times. We are having the type of conversations which draws you in completely and fully. Where all of my attention is on the four eyes before me, their thoughts, which they formulate into words and land in my mind. In those moments I always think: this is what I keep on living for. This connection, the sharing of past experiences and the now, the stubborn will to understand, the urge to be there for one another and the quiet crackling of invisible bonds being made.

I took a photo, of course, and they damned me for being insensitive.
“I’m crying Josie, damn it! Could you just not take a photo right now?!”
I utter an excuse but in my mind I’m thinking: I need to capture this moment.
I want to remember.

That was the start of this summer and all of a sudden, as I am looking at the fountain, the memories from it come spiraling down from the sky and I experience it all again in a miniscule version.

It’s the 29th of October today, yet christmas seems further away than the summer we recently left behind does. Because it never stopped. I couldn’t believe it, is this my life now? One endless party with amazing, intriguing people who seem to be appearing out of nowhere.

The fountain keeps splashing water on me but I don’t care, I’m stuck in reflection.
What have these past months done to me?
They made me grow.
As a friend, a partner, a family-member, a professional, a party-animal 😉

I’ve experimented with my limits a lot. I’ve pushed mental barriers away into a deep dark corner of my mind until they’ve dissolved and tried my best to set myself free, to let go of control.
I’m a firm believer in that keeping principles of how life should be lived is the main reason to feeling dissatisfied, these months became the proof of that. For never have I felt this calm within. Even in anxious moments I can remain sane in the comforting thought of: “Only because you’re feeling this right now does not mean it will be you forever.”

As kids we explore, try and fail. As adults we try so hard to remain the same. Maybe because it’s worked so far, maybe because it’s the easy way out.
These past experiences became an important reminder of that without this pushing of myself, I’d never would have reached who I am today. A version of me that is probably the best one so far, something I’m very proud of.
It’s due to a little push from within but mainly thanks to each and every person that I’ve had the privilege to spend time with.

I’m going to keep pushing, exploring and experimenting.

I will grow but I will never grow up.

With that motivational quote, I leave you 😉

Daily, Writings

Stockings too thin


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Shoulders up by my ears
Freezing wind, forcing tears
A jacket too cold
Stockings too thin
Autumn begging to begin

Kisses from him
Comforts me in the whirlwind
of endings; beginnings
losses; winnings

Every winter I flee
to a land with endless green leaves

Yet I remain
for here are my kin
keeping me warm from within

Daily, Writings

The elusive concept of being one’s own boss


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Suddenly the limbo-state in which I’ve found myself to be in for a while, cleared up and showed me what it was actually about.

I’ve felt torn between running my own business and waiting for someone else to command me to do something. I’ve wanted to start my own company since I was 16 (I’m now 23) and when it finally happened, a couple of months back, I felt the immediate joy of starting up but not the long-lasting enjoyment of it.

My whole life I’ve been in school or at a job with rules to follow, a boss/teacher to listen to. I’ve been told what to do, what the next step will be and what my task is – for 22 years.
Those are many years under command.

Now, forgive my incapability of understanding this seemingly simple fact:
I am now my own boss.

The discrepancy and confusion occurs in this newly-found freedom, the privilege of being able to choose how to lead ones life but first and foremost: how to do it.
I’ve experienced a certain need to be told what to do since we started Yadi Yada. Therefore, when we got our first clients I felt reassured, like a sweet safety-blanket that was wrapped around me, a recognition of familiarity – someone finally tells me what to do.

Which is the complete opposite of what I had been yearning for right? I now understand that in order for me to fully and wholly absorb the concept of being the captain of my own ship, I have to give it some time, wrapped in patience, to reach the entrepreneur-harbour. Boring conclusion maybe but as I am settling in into adulthood it becomes more and more obvious that I am in charge of my life. And since I am now choosing to live my life the way I do, I have to, on a subconscious level, truly understand that I, and no one else, is in charge of every step.

There’s no sitting around and being told what to do, it’s what I’ve been trying to get away from for so long! And now that I’m finally there I see that;
with freedom comes even greater responsibility.

I hereby surrender myself to:

Myself as my own boss.

Which involves:

0 blame-game; I can only blame myself when shit hits the fan.
Responsibility of my own actions; I’m pushing my dear nemesis Laziness out of Burj Khalifa.
Bravery; No one really cares what I take on. What is important is that I am enjoying it.
Routines and structure; not much to say here, everyone knows that it’s the way to go if life is made happening, instead of happening to you.
Proactivity; there’s always something I can do to push me in the right direction for my professional life. If I don’t have a task at hand I will educate myself in different softwares, story-telling etc.

Autumn and the rest of my life:
Hit me! 😀

Daily, Writings

As of this moment


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Staring out on the humble rain
watching summer disintegrate

Leaves are shapeshifting
eavesdropping

to the marching band of autumn
appearing in the distance

humans, animals and plants alike
prepare to cocoon for a winter’s fortnight

Daily, Writings

Peeling layers of thought


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I’ve been writing all day. I went to Haymarket, looked around in the beautiful milieu and had a coffee, or two actually, very important.
The act of going to a place to write, is special. You designate time to write. I don’t do that very often, but when I do, I cherish every second.
I mostly wrote “bullshit” today. I didn’t even attempt to start on a story, a couple of poems though. I mainly wrote down thoughts and observations of late to rinse my head from dying thoughts.
I believe that when one undergoes change, a mental change that is, the previous thought-patterns die. They’re replaced with the new knowledge, perspectives and deeper understandings one has acquired throughout days, weeks, months.
Change is peculiar because a human can change over night from an experience and sometimes, if nothing extraordinary happens, the change takes time.

All I know is that I have new thoughts. I see the world differently and it is exciting albeit a bit terrifying because I am shifting values. What used to be important does not feel as important any longer. As a result, my future might look different than I’ve been thinking it would.

I know I will be driven towards a cause rather than a goal. What that cause is, I am yet to figure out.

Daily, Writings

LEVEL UP: Adulthood


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I sleep a lot these days. It’s as if my body and mind are slowly thawing, waking up from this winter’s hibernation. Spring is stalling and it’s frustrating to see the buds do everything in their power to come through but instead they get pushed back by frosty nights.

I am traveling to Italy next Tuesday. I picture myself there, in the hotel room that I will have for myself, not even sharing it with my brother because apparently that’s, unbeknownst to me, a perk of becoming/being an adult; you get your own room. I see how I will run up and down the hills, sink my body into the ocean and let the whole universe disappear above me.

When I’m there I should study psychology. I’ve taken myself through this course, this semester, but I am behind and on the 4th of June everything should be handed in. A major stress, because my performance-anxiety tells me to stay awake every night and study, my mind and rational self on the other hand, tells me something else. I’ve been wanting to study psychology for three years and I’ve been toying with the thought of studying it full-time. But now that I have, I’ve realized that the study of psychology; is not my kind of psychology.

I’ve this natural interest and curiosity for behaviors, traits, interactions etc. An interest which sparks a lot of questions, questions I want answers to, but not by going to school for five years. As this course has unraveled I’ve gained an insight; studying psychology takes away my curiosity for it. When I write my exams and tasks I tend to spiral away into philosophy and instead of answering the question, I ask more. It becomes more of a thesis that I write for myself instead of an answer to the given task.
This is a comforting insight and some sort of validation on me progressing as a human (that sounds rather pretentious). What I mean is that I feel quite done with questioning myself and “what I should do in life”. I have my line of work. I want to make film. Forever and ever (as of right now at least). Psychology will be my hobby.
I don’t have endless of years and I have to choose where I direct my energy, and it’s not by diving deep into psychology.

Writings

Fall. In. Love. Again. and. Again


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I fell in love three days ago when we sat in the bed of a friend, surrounded by friends, and we made jokes that no one else gets
This morning you walked into the bathroom as a bearded man
When you came out you had shed your beard
I on the other hand, shed nothing
I only layered up with love,
I fell,
for you
again

I’ve known that love, that overused word, becomes stronger over time
I feel it for friends every time I meet them
I fall in love with them
It’s the self-explanatory kind of love,
the one that tells me that whatever evil you, my friend, might do to me,
I’ll always love you

With you on the other hand
When I fall, over
and
over
stronger
and stronger

It’s not with certainty
It comes in shockwaves
As if you baffle me with your sheer existence,
and you’re standing there, open to my loving you
Who am I then to not be completely absorbed
To not take my chance on falling
in
love
again
When it’s the greatest experience of them all

The difference is that whatever evil you might do to me
I won’t always love you
I won’t forgive

Perhaps that’s the reason to why I let myself lean in into what is us
Because I know that it’s not for certain
So I take my chances with braveity
For it’s the only way I will know
that whatever pain might come my way because of you
at least I loved whole-heartedly, with every piece of me
and when one has done that
there are no regrets
no wrong-doings
nothing that could have been done differently