I had my assessment today and it bugged me, it made me feel inadequate and wrong, lost and unintelligible. Haunted by the feeling of always doing too little, never enough.
I structure a routine to fit everything in, ending up with a breakdown and smeary tears. When is “it’s enough” and “how active can one be during a day” and “I should be able to do that too today”? What is “fitting everything in” when you can’t hear your own thoughts? Then it doesn’t matter, does it?
These are the thoughts I’ve fought with the past couple of weeks, trying to find a balance where I enjoy every day and not simply stressing through it. I have not succeeded. And when I write this I think: “What is knot of stress in the stomach when people are suffering for real?” It’s nothing and yet it is everything in those moments – The anxiety moments of trying to fit everything in, deliver here and there, being here for everyone I love and still remain pleasant to be around. I see now that it’s a huge performance-anxiety issue. PERFORM ON ALL LEVELS – or else you are worthless. Note to self: That is not true. The more I try to do at once the worse the results get, so please myself, try and narrow it down and do what tingles your brain the most.
On that note: I am so happy it’s summer now, I am going to fix all tiny details in my apartment, do projects I’ve been thinking about for ages, spend time with family, friends and boyfriend, take photos, work, love and laugh and go on adventures! Most importantly: I am going to date like crazy (friends I haven’t seen in a long while, that is) and plan my summer. I’m not going to let it go to waste by taking the days as they come, no, I am going to be the first one to know about events, festivals and other fun things.
Also longing for a new trekking-adventure.
Josie Mattsson 