Capable or Incapabale of Creating Without Fearing

I wake up too late, between 9 and 10 every day. Apparently I’m turning off the alarm whilst sleeping. I try not to get anxious and tell myself my body and soul needs it.

It’s the first time in five months that I have days when I can do whatever I want and it makes me paralyzed, many thoughts, many ideas, many hours, but where to begin? And what to focus on? Four days have gone by and I have not done a single productive thing, and although it makes me a tad worried (who am I? Why don’t I just do the things I want to do? Everyone else does), I know that in these moments of nothingness, a ‘something’ usually appears.

It happened last night, after I had finished the last episode of the Affair, I got to thinking about loneliness, and my thoughts started spinning and all of a sudden I had a fully-fleshed movie script in my head.

A couple of nights before that, I was tossing and turning in bed, “I AM 22!!!”, those words hit me. For the first time in my life I felt as if I was lagging behind in life. I’ve always been on top of things, gone out on adventures, and paid a lot of money to venture out on them because I knew it would be worth the experience and lessons learned…And now I find myself discouraged and unable, have I lost my bravery? Or am I simply swinging on the swing of school-life?

I discussed with a friend yesterday how the ideal scenario for us would be to have a start-up idea and go for it, during our internship months. Imagine a couple of good friends building something they burn for together. On top of that – it can be done wherever on earth and hence generate a lot of experiences. 

Now, sitting by the kitchen-table, a sense of a much needed calm has surged in over my being, and I feel able, I feel stabile, and most importantly, I don’t fear creating. Hence I’m writing this blogpost.

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