young adult

Daily, Writings

Learning how to be content


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I pull my hair in what’s a combination of stress and frenzy. It’s dry and frazzled. I’ve been expecting it to fall off this winter. A winter that has been too long and cold. I’ve also been expecting myself to run away several times but I never have. Instead I’ve tucked the notion of other world’s far back into my mind next to pillars of budgets and other necessary practicalities.

Baby-steps, my friend reminded me.
You are hurried in life, my partner said and gazed steadfast into my eyes.

Deep, patient breaths along with the understanding of phases, are what I’m forcing myself to be guided by this year.

As a curious, restless being it’s difficult to settle with anything that is.
I question, reconsider, think again, question more, toss and turn what is to see what may be. Career-wise, loveships, friendships, living situation, as a matter of fact – all parts of life.
I see different lives fly me by and I wonder if that could be me and what that ‘I’ would think of it. Not out of dissatisfaction neccessarily but rather out of curiosity and “Would it be possible?”.

I’m learning to be content in my current situation and remain there for a while. Something that is a new occurrence for me and I guess that is an adventure in itself too. For if I learn it, I allow myself to make the most out of the now and when one does that, all adventures and new situations become a welcome extra.

– J

Daily, Writings

Five Months of summer


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I walk down to the park by Karlaplan that has a fountain in the middle of it. I see the Mc Donald’s where Anna bought burgers, fries and ice-cream to our heart-broken friend. I see the bench where we sat down for an hour, talked, laughed and wiped the tears off of her cheeks, reminding her of all good that came out of their relationship.

The day after we are sipping wine on my balcony for hours on end in the first warm strokes of brighter times. We are having the type of conversations which draws you in completely and fully. Where all of my attention is on the four eyes before me, their thoughts, which they formulate into words and land in my mind. In those moments I always think: this is what I keep on living for. This connection, the sharing of past experiences and the now, the stubborn will to understand, the urge to be there for one another and the quiet crackling of invisible bonds being made.

I took a photo, of course, and they damned me for being insensitive.
“I’m crying Josie, damn it! Could you just not take a photo right now?!”
I utter an excuse but in my mind I’m thinking: I need to capture this moment.
I want to remember.

That was the start of this summer and all of a sudden, as I am looking at the fountain, the memories from it come spiraling down from the sky and I experience it all again in a miniscule version.

It’s the 29th of October today, yet christmas seems further away than the summer we recently left behind does. Because it never stopped. I couldn’t believe it, is this my life now? One endless party with amazing, intriguing people who seem to be appearing out of nowhere.

The fountain keeps splashing water on me but I don’t care, I’m stuck in reflection.
What have these past months done to me?
They made me grow.
As a friend, a partner, a family-member, a professional, a party-animal 😉

I’ve experimented with my limits a lot. I’ve pushed mental barriers away into a deep dark corner of my mind until they’ve dissolved and tried my best to set myself free, to let go of control.
I’m a firm believer in that keeping principles of how life should be lived is the main reason to feeling dissatisfied, these months became the proof of that. For never have I felt this calm within. Even in anxious moments I can remain sane in the comforting thought of: “Only because you’re feeling this right now does not mean it will be you forever.”

As kids we explore, try and fail. As adults we try so hard to remain the same. Maybe because it’s worked so far, maybe because it’s the easy way out.
These past experiences became an important reminder of that without this pushing of myself, I’d never would have reached who I am today. A version of me that is probably the best one so far, something I’m very proud of.
It’s due to a little push from within but mainly thanks to each and every person that I’ve had the privilege to spend time with.

I’m going to keep pushing, exploring and experimenting.

I will grow but I will never grow up.

With that motivational quote, I leave you 😉

Daily, Writings

LEVEL UP: Adulthood


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I sleep a lot these days. It’s as if my body and mind are slowly thawing, waking up from this winter’s hibernation. Spring is stalling and it’s frustrating to see the buds do everything in their power to come through but instead they get pushed back by frosty nights.

I am traveling to Italy next Tuesday. I picture myself there, in the hotel room that I will have for myself, not even sharing it with my brother because apparently that’s, unbeknownst to me, a perk of becoming/being an adult; you get your own room. I see how I will run up and down the hills, sink my body into the ocean and let the whole universe disappear above me.

When I’m there I should study psychology. I’ve taken myself through this course, this semester, but I am behind and on the 4th of June everything should be handed in. A major stress, because my performance-anxiety tells me to stay awake every night and study, my mind and rational self on the other hand, tells me something else. I’ve been wanting to study psychology for three years and I’ve been toying with the thought of studying it full-time. But now that I have, I’ve realized that the study of psychology; is not my kind of psychology.

I’ve this natural interest and curiosity for behaviors, traits, interactions etc. An interest which sparks a lot of questions, questions I want answers to, but not by going to school for five years. As this course has unraveled I’ve gained an insight; studying psychology takes away my curiosity for it. When I write my exams and tasks I tend to spiral away into philosophy and instead of answering the question, I ask more. It becomes more of a thesis that I write for myself instead of an answer to the given task.
This is a comforting insight and some sort of validation on me progressing as a human (that sounds rather pretentious). What I mean is that I feel quite done with questioning myself and “what I should do in life”. I have my line of work. I want to make film. Forever and ever (as of right now at least). Psychology will be my hobby.
I don’t have endless of years and I have to choose where I direct my energy, and it’s not by diving deep into psychology.