writings

Daily, Writings

Blushing Storm


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Fearless in my own skin, I struck
I swept in, caught you off-guard
My sounds showered your mind, sent shivers through your spine
We rumbled together that night
drenched in the moment
absorbed by each other
I was a lot for you,
covering the sky with my presence
you encouraged it
We calmed down
the morning settled
you slowly rose
I became aware of my actions, of my excessiveness
As your vast gaze met mine,
you painted my cheeks in a hazy red
New to me, I became a blushing storm
struck
captivated by
somebody else

 

– J

 

 

 

 

Daily, Writings

See and make seen


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I didn’t know you for long.
A day after your death I backtracked how long we actually had known each other for.
I counted two months, an insight which lead to instant disappointment because in this world we put the length of any relationship on a piedestal.

I pushed that annoying inkling of disappointment away because in my world I treasure the impact of a relationship, how we affected each other during our time together. I now know that two months can be as wholly as 5 years.

We were becoming friends but more than that too because you were the first person I dared to think of as a possible mentor.
Your manners toward others inspired me. You made everyone feel seen at the same time as you jokingly teased them about a minor detail in their own manners.

I witnessed how you brought those manners to the surface and I saw in the persons face that no one, except himself, had ever noticed it, which in return left him smiling.

You saw and made seen, in the most loving, joyful of ways.

As autumn came marching in and the first rain fell heavily, we stood waiting to go out for lunch. I said something in the likes of “Into the darkness we go…” you looked at me with a half-smile and a shrug, saying “I know many people don’t like this weather but I’ve always seen it as something beautiful because it’s as if the world becomes clean.”

I never told you how much I appreciated you, I never had the chance to ask you if you could be my mentor, even after I would’ve quit. Because we thought we had time, you said it constantly “focus on this now, we’ll dive into that later” but Gustaf, you know, later never came.
Thank you for teaching me, in the most horrid of ways, never to hold back on declarations of love.

Rain was pouring down when I walked home from the subway tonight. Out of nowhere I was struck by your words, as if the rain itself whispered in your voice “The world gets clean”.

So from here on now my friend, I promise that I’ll forever keep that glittery view of the world in mind whenever it cleans, I mean rains.

Daily, Writings

Insights with great impact, drawn from tiny moments


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The four of us sat in an Airbnb bed, freshly arrived into an Amsterdam in February shroud, sipping Cava and red wine.
A constellation of friends that has not been obvious but rather worked on. Connected through our eagerness to connect, out of curiosity for one another.
Sharing memories of current and former boyfriends through videos. I on the other hand, showed a video of me and my dogs.
With swollen tongues we later fell into a discussion of the enveloping of life-events. C outed the idea of; whatever should happen, will happen.
Whilst S promptly argumented that; No! It can’t solely be by chance can it?! Certainly we must be in more control than so? And isn’t that a lazy thought? To simply relax into the notion of life’s motion?
Well, C argued, inbetween those events you make decisions and those you can control but the outcome of those decisions are not in your control.

Daily, Writings

Peeling layers of thought


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I’ve been writing all day. I went to Haymarket, looked around in the beautiful milieu and had a coffee, or two actually, very important.
The act of going to a place to write, is special. You designate time to write. I don’t do that very often, but when I do, I cherish every second.
I mostly wrote “bullshit” today. I didn’t even attempt to start on a story, a couple of poems though. I mainly wrote down thoughts and observations of late to rinse my head from dying thoughts.
I believe that when one undergoes change, a mental change that is, the previous thought-patterns die. They’re replaced with the new knowledge, perspectives and deeper understandings one has acquired throughout days, weeks, months.
Change is peculiar because a human can change over night from an experience and sometimes, if nothing extraordinary happens, the change takes time.

All I know is that I have new thoughts. I see the world differently and it is exciting albeit a bit terrifying because I am shifting values. What used to be important does not feel as important any longer. As a result, my future might look different than I’ve been thinking it would.

I know I will be driven towards a cause rather than a goal. What that cause is, I am yet to figure out.

Writings

Fall. In. Love. Again. and. Again


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I fell in love three days ago when we sat in the bed of a friend, surrounded by friends, and we made jokes that no one else gets
This morning you walked into the bathroom as a bearded man
When you came out you had shed your beard
I on the other hand, shed nothing
I only layered up with love,
I fell,
for you
again

I’ve known that love, that overused word, becomes stronger over time
I feel it for friends every time I meet them
I fall in love with them
It’s the self-explanatory kind of love,
the one that tells me that whatever evil you, my friend, might do to me,
I’ll always love you

With you on the other hand
When I fall, over
and
over
stronger
and stronger

It’s not with certainty
It comes in shockwaves
As if you baffle me with your sheer existence,
and you’re standing there, open to my loving you
Who am I then to not be completely absorbed
To not take my chance on falling
in
love
again
When it’s the greatest experience of them all

The difference is that whatever evil you might do to me
I won’t always love you
I won’t forgive

Perhaps that’s the reason to why I let myself lean in into what is us
Because I know that it’s not for certain
So I take my chances with braveity
For it’s the only way I will know
that whatever pain might come my way because of you
at least I loved whole-heartedly, with every piece of me
and when one has done that
there are no regrets
no wrong-doings
nothing that could have been done differently

Daily, Writings

Little Miss Fuck-Up


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Yesterday I went out bowling and got drunk instead of studying. Today my wrist is hurting from the bowling balls, guess that’s the price you have to pay when you’re the winner 😉

I try to let go of control, an attempt to not live up to the “Little Miss Perfect” – ideal. I don’t do my chores as I should, I try to take life not so seriously because it usually leaves me in a position where I feel stressed out for no reason. I’m fighting the “have to’s and should do’s” with a more laidback me, but this results in me feeling out of control and a lack of self-esteem because “I can’t seem to do anything right nor good”. I know it’s good for me to let go, but the struggle to feel fine in letting go is perhaps more difficult than being in control.

It’s as if though I’m rummaging through my life e v e r y day, turning it inside out in an attempt to figure… well… something out. Is it possible to be a teenager twice? Because my mind cuts me no slack what so ever these days. It’s as if I’ve thought so hard for so long that it’s now wired to analyze everything that happens to cross my path.

Internal battles without a commander in chief are not fruitful at all. Perhaps I just have to woman-up and stop questioning myself so damn much and instead be a proud boss who knows it’s employee sometimes fails and that is o k e y. 

 

stories, Writings

Leaking Love


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I am leaking love
it’s in my footprints
Smudging it into the wooden floors when I walk
It’s invisible only to you
You struggle your way out of bed
you put your feet down on it
For every step you take now,
I’ll be hurting
I say a sweet goodmorning
You smile in response
While you head off for your morning routine
you stomp around
I’m leaking
I give you a compliment under teary eyes
Visible even to you
Not that you take notice
You smile and tell me you love me
a habit, not the truth
You walk out the door
headed to wherever my love has not leaked
Only there are you free