I’ve been through a whirlwind of thoughts these past couple of weeks. In particular it’s been about one decision.
Negotiating with myself what the right move is, measuring pros and cons, seeking advice from everywhere. I’ve been searching for hints, something which could confirm or deter my choice. Then I took a decision. We’re going (my class) out on internship in November, for seven months. I’ve been working on my portfolio, which is far from done because I lost motivation, so instead I started to figure out my values and driving forces. Do I really want to be at a film production company? Yes, one day I do but not now, because an opportunity arose, a dream coming true. My friend and I are going to spend these seven months doing sketches, short-films and do jobs for other companies within film. I want to act, write manuscripts and realize my own/and others ideas with good friends.
These 7 months are going to put us and our abilities to test and it’s going to be horrifically wonderful. We’re doing our own thing and that sentence speaks to my core. It’s what I want to do. Build something from scratch, watch it grow and take on the challenges as they come.
“Carpe diem” “Yolo” “Follow your dreams” “Go hard or go home” – I’ve decided to do all that, because it can’t get worse than worst.
It started out with me negotiating with, well…me, whether I should go out and run or not, considering my painful achilles tendon. I voted for yes, “screw you AT, find another body to mess with”.
So I hit the streets and thereafter the trails. The AT hurt per usual the first couple of 200m but after some stretching it worked. Then I started running for real. I noticed how my legs worked like a sewing machine “Tatatatatata!” they went, and went and went and went. Wow. Carbs and resting is the key to speedy legs, I thought to myself.
This evening in Stockholm, Djurgården, was mindblowing. The clouds were pink, the sun burned like fire in the horizon, people were walking and talking. All and all an idyllic sight.
My body was pumping, breath flooding and I felt more alive than I have in a while. On my way back I stopped for a photo-session and was overtaken by a very fast girl in my age. I started running again and had a running man in front of me, the triathlon type of looker. When I caught up on him he, noticed me and started running faster. I simply kept my pace. I thought that he was in a rush now because this is the second girl who will take him.
I was right. For after a while he slowed down and I ran past him, he uttered “Damn, some very fit girls out tonight!”. I laughed and kept on pacing, embracing the tiredness in my body. Eventually I came to a stop with endorphines spraying from my ears (Swedish expression). I felt high on life. So I shouted “WOOO!”.
On top of my joy I suddenly caught something with my eye. In the lights from the lamp-posts on the sidewalk next to a bigger road, I spied a man who had the most tremendous running style I’ve ever seen. His legs were not legs, they where wheels and with a complete stabile torso he took on meter by meter, fast as hell. I simply stopped in awe. Straight after him came a sportscar, burning away, and I thought “Sure, man built that, but it will never be as impressive as the human body.”
When I came to my street I saw a 40+ man walking and tossing his american football in the air. I did not think much of it until I had passed him and, for some reason, looked back. I then saw that his ball was trapped in some really tall bushes. He looked at me, and I laughed in sympathy.
Then I spent 10 minutes with this man, the two of us trying to tackle (literally tackling) this giant bush. We jumped, waved with a stick, tried to climb it. Nothing worked, until he found a strange looking fence and kind of brushed the bush with the fence, and PLOP, down came the ball. Everything appeared very comically. We high-fived and went on with our lives.
A choice or two
Many others too
Engineering my thoughts
Setting them straight
Mend me into a social saint
Slowly losing the screws
Which held me
Filled now with nails
Of other people’s traits
The concept of I
Is now you
There lies peace in this morning, it is nesting on the streets, huddling together with relief in a solemn embrace.
Our beautiful city is a memory now, it exists in a thousands of digital and analogue photo albums, and in the minds of those who wandered these streets.
Some of them, or many rather, are not here to testify what once was, for they are dead. Minds who can’t speak of how bustling this city was during summer nor how quiet it was during winter.
They’ll never be able to say how many of the cherry trees actually blossomed in Kungsträdgården this summer, nor will any survivors, for the trees, just as the people, are gone. They were bombed before they had the chance to blossom into life.
In the quiet of the truce and in the wait for the end of this war, I think to myself – can one tell if the morning has broken if one wasn’t there to see the sun rupture the sky in half?
How can we know for sure that war on the opposite end of our globe is happening, if we have not heard the machine-guns shatter bodies into a million pieces? More importantly, who takes the time to care?
These are the types of thoughts I surround myself with. They are my best friends at night for they make everything seem mythical and diminutive, but during daytime they become my enemies. They give me hope in that that I want to believe, eagerly so, in humankind, and that we aren’t forgotten. This is why they are my enemies – hope in this situation is a curse.
Started this day off with a casting for a commercial. I got to run around on a basket-court and felt very much at home (not with the basket, but the running). It’s my first casting where I get to be physically active and truly felt like the acting came more naturally since movement is kind of engraved into my DNA.
I then headed to school where we got divided into new teams and I chose a client which sparked my interest more than any other clients thus far – growingminds.se http://www.battreskolor.se , all part of the Reinvent Learning Foundation. I hope to get to deep-dive into their research and talk to neuroscientists about their insights in the field and what they think is the ideal environment for kids to learn in. I’m still waiting for my approval/dismissal from antagning.se to see whether I will start studying Psychology I this semester or no… I really, really hope I will. Fingers crossed.
At 5pm I met up with my former team-mates at Nytorget 6, where we met with a couple of ICA-employees who wanted to show their appreciation for the concept we did for them by treating us with a dinner.
Now it’s time for a workout and some work for SnabbaSvar(if you want to do market research surveys, this is the service for you ;)) Gracelessly promoting!).
His warm body slides down next to mine, despite the early hour, I am too awake for my own good. I steal kisses even though I know he would have prefered me not noticing his arrival, because he doesn’t want to disturb me. It must be around 4-5 in the morning and now that I’m awake I can’t find the platform to the sleep-train.
I toss and turn for a while, I want to be close, I want his heartbeat to sway me back to sleep but his chest hurts my ear and I end up next to him instead.
The alarm goes off, yanks me out of sleep and allows all the uncanny dreams I’ve been having surface to my consciousness. We cuddle and he is in good spirits as usual, I feel like a dream-walker, not really asleep and not in reality just yet.
In a jiffy he’s out the door, he leaves with an “I love you” but I don’t hear so he looks at me long-faced. He repeats and I repeat.
Whilst I’m breaking my fast I look at the dreary sky, feeling happy that time is moving slowly today and I let out a small wish saying “Please weather, stay gloomy.”
In the distance I hear the cavalry choirs sing to the comforting tone of a church bell, they make for an interesting combination, I think of it as a chant of war and faith. The tune is abruptly disturbed by the noise from an ambulance. Isn’t that life in a nutshell? Whenever one is experiencing a highly satisfying moment, something disrupts it. During a deep conversation with a friend, a silent moment by the beach in the sunset, sex, etc. someone or something comes in like an extra in a movie and forces the main characters to stop doing what they’re doing. As if it’s a reminder of how life is not a silent moment by the beach, but actually filled with life at all times, and life can’t be ignored or stoved away, it simply is.
Summers tend to appear blurry, days vaporize into each other and create fuzzy memories. When did I do what? What happened when? Who was I with? Thank you Steve Jobs for creating the smartphone so I can document whatever I want to in a jiffy and remember.
Speaking of this, I wonder if I, due to the invention of the smartphone, have gotten a worse memory? Thinking that I am less prone to remember things for myself, knowing that I always have my “buddy” in my pocket who remembers for me. Then the question is – what do I actually remember? Thinking back on my summer, I have vivid memories of some occasions, and others are gone.
It’s interesting with memory since it seems to be very selective in what it chooses to remember, but it happens without my conscious interferance, so what is the dominant decision-maker in memory selection and why does it choose to remember some things but not others? This all adds up to if it is worth the effort to exercise ones memory in order to remember more clearly, or is it OK to leave that up to a computer? Then to a more philosophical question – WHY is the need to remember so strong? Perhaps it is a type of receipt on that I have lived.
Anyhow, here is my summer in phone-shots. Starting from this last week to the beginning of summer.
Bought new shoes – left Asics for Saucony :O
Went to F12 to listen to Diskopunk and had a dance-blast.
A truly fun night out with my ladies. Too many GT’s but it was all worth it.
Anna took selfies.
Ate an amazing corn-chicken at Flickorna Lundgren.
Skåne, as beautiful as ever.
Spent some hours in the hospital.
During our picknick I put flowers in his beard, then realized they had some mini-insects on them. =/
Best picknick I’ve ever had.
Played around in mapa’s new apartment!
The road to V’s. It’s like entering a zone of the unknown, you never know what will happen during the night except from A LOT of fun.
Nils and I went Kayaking at Dalarö.
A fun night with Ebba’s new friends!
Chilled on my balcony.
Went to two raves in one night – that’s a lot for me!
Enjoyed everything about the hours at V’s.
Hung out with this one quite a lot.
Got used to my new waking-up view.
Fetched the horses from their spa (yeah I know…) and got some valuable alone-hours with sis.
Enjoyed life at the beach in Skåne, all alone.
Zampa in 50 colors of sheep.
Nils on his way to Skåne.
Coldplay was amaaazing.
Bought a beautiful bureau.
A random meet-up with the lads, when all of us could meet :O
Got settled in in my apartment and waited with excitement for my furniture.
We took advantage of the sunset.
Swam and chall around.
Brought Nils up in my favorite tree.
Zampa ran wild in the subway.
So much power in one human, Silvana Imam.
This woman was supposed to take a picture of me and T but couldn’t quite work it out and, hell, we laughed hard when we saw this afterwards.
We listened to Den Svenska Björnstammen, and they rocked it!
I’ve stumbled upon a bunch of cute animals lately, here’s an excerpt from the encounters.
This is Mila, named after Mila Kunis, she belongs to Nils mother and sister. What a stunner eh?
These summer-cats had it great compared to all the summer-cats here in Sweden that are bought by families, brought out to their summer-houses, only to be left there when their vacations are over. These ones lived in a big room with their mama, had plenty of food, water and toys and awaited their new families.
Went completely haywire with the camera over this scene, Mila in the old Jaguar, with the clouds mirrored in the windows – ah, it all felt very cinematic.
Last week was spent at Skäret, Skåne, with Nils family.
I was excited and a tad skittish about hanging out with his family for the first time, but it all went fine without any major disasters. They took me on tours around the surroundings in his fathers Jaguar Mark II from 1960-something, which was the first time ever that I sat in a car that old! The scenery over there is amazing, little hills, big forests, huge fields, flowers, fauna, the ocean and on top of all that – dramatic skies. We ate great food (a lot of fish), swam and explored!
I’m now initiated into the world of veteran cars, I was not aware of the bond the “veteran cars”-owners have, they wave to each other, they go to veteran-meetings etc. And apparently, if something breaks down in your car, like the battery, you can’t buy a new battery, no, it has to be (at least look like one) an old battery.
En route to celebrate this beautiful couple’s 30th wedding anniversary at Rut På Skäret.
Mila – The Stunner.
We visited Krapperups Castle which had a surrounding moat, a perfect garden AND koi-fishes in the pond!
Note to self: Don’t you ever again attempt to capture the starry sky when drunk. You’ll be left with going through 60 useless pictures.
Arabo had been planning our midsummer feast for a whole week and when Midsummer’s day came, he, Pako and Sonja rolled into my kitchen with SO MUCH FOOD! The rest of the crew came at 4 and so we started eating + drinking en masse… 😉 Nils was game-leader and we played burnball, catching apples from buckets, frog-jump, and Norwegian drunkenness.
Here’s a photobomb from the day, am working on the film as well. It’s difficult not to take a thousands of pictures/film of these beautiful friends of mine, hence I have some content to go through…
The best freaking Västerbottenpie any of us had ever tasted. Arabo is a master-chef.
Someone was sun-kissed.. ehrm ehrm, more like slapped.
It’s nice to see that my love for him was captured ❤
Boss ass bitches.
Ash, the curly one with yellow shirt, sure knows how to pose!
Look at this fairy…
We went out on a raid to find flowers and stole them from my neighbours…
V danced with the pole… ;)))
I was feeling it… Timmy was not =/
These guys lost and we all got to shoot them in their bums with the football.
The best fellas!
Don’t mess with him.
Drunken burnball was extremely fun. Highly recommended!
Two weeks back I had quite the party-week. It started off with a club-night with A and A, and the day after all of the fam + extended fam met up at Strandbryggan for lunch and celebrated mamma’s 54th birthday. The week then continued with a night at V’s (previous post), a rave on Friday and lastly a great evening at Ebba’s which transitioned into a night at Trädgården where N was king of the castle thanks to discounts and letting us skip the line! Needless to say, I was torn after these days. I’m not 16 no more. But oh it was fun!
Grandma came for the lunch! ❤
The day when I finally caught M on camera. It’s a pity, the world deserves to see such a pretty face!
My Godmother looked as fab as ever.
I don’t know how many pictures I have of Hank drinking champagne, it’s just something about it.
Dad forced me to do silly poses which I called off ASAP for the sake of my camera-lens, didn’t want it to get distorted due to my fugly posing ;))
And mama looked cute as a button.
Found these adorable pomeranian’s in a store and it felt like peeking in to a Brooklyn-shop!
My friend Veronica hosted a dinner at her parents house at the most lush, serene, beautiful location.
I was filled with joy over friends, jumping on a trampoline, the weather and all the other feelings that come with summer. Here are some memories from those 18h.
At random times half of the crew disappeared into the woods to go Pokémon hunting. When I read this in twenty years I want to remember the P-frenzy and how governments all over the world had to warn citizens about not getting on the train-tracks and hunt, for example. Or how one guy got stabbed by a fence at Stadion in his eagerness to catch a Poké.
The queen herself, Veronica.
The Russian king, enjoying his wine on a blissful afternoon in his lush gardens.
The weird, awesome gang!
The sun went to bed and handed over its’ leftovers to us, the last little beams which threw a cascade of beauty onto our world.
This is how I expect to find Pranav in 30 years from now, content in his sofa with a glass of wine and a dog!
And all of a sudden you start to feel,
It erupted from what one person said
they make your being chime
you wake up
you’ve been stirred alive
cling to you like nothing before
they are your truth
evoked a spark of life
Other beings can do that,
turn you into what you really are
of what is your core
These summer-days are very dreamy. Not because the weather is good, because it ain’t. but because I get to hang out with friends at great locations, spend time with my family and kiss my boyfriend whenever I want to.
I’m lagging behind in my very important blogging about my life, because life is running so fast my bloggin’ can’t handle. Or something.
These are captured moments from when N and I went to his parents house in Skåne. Let me gasp.
Hover over or click the pictures for some writings about the moments.
The first night we made chevré-pizza. Yum in tum.
So, this is their view. I was baffled by the beauty of it and luckily the sky showed itself from its’ best side.
Do you see why I am totally absorbed by this human? (Not only because of his torso hehe) but because AH, everything about him.
The second day we went to a really neat place which reminded me of Chelsea Market, Magasin 36, in Höganäs. Outstanding interior built in the old Höganäs-factory where they used to do their ceramics.
I’ve spent today in hangover heaven (read: hell). Had almost all of my girls here last night and we ate, drank wine and cackled away. Around 11 Anna and I headed to Karusell with another friend and danced away like maniacs, without inhibitions. When they closed we headed of to F12 and negotiated with the guard to get some pretty decent discount on our entrance-fee, life is a bargain – remember that kids! 😉
How I LOVE being able to have friends over whenever I want and also how much they seem to like my apartment and what I’ve done with it! Means a great deal to me since I want them to want to hang out here as often as they can.
Summer this far is a perfect balance between time for boredom, contemplation and action. I’m getting a clearer picture of what I want to do, but foremost how I want to live my life and what I want to spend time on. A 9-5 job is nowhere to be seen in the future but rather being my own boss in a team of friends inbetween my own projects. I need every day to be different with new challenges in order to let this restless piece of soul be at peace.
Getting up in 6 hours to play in an annual volleyball-tournament. Our team-name this year is Bigger Ass Bitches, which was the natural transition from last years name which was: Big Ass Bitches.
It’s a solemn morning for the man who is busy pouring his coffee down the drain.
He is mad, for all he can see is the stain, the stain on his white shirt which, in his mind, represents his life.
He mutters to himself as he watches the rain trickle down the window pane; “I’m nothing but a stain on a white shirt. A blob that no one likes, something that sticks out and can’t be left unnoticed. A freak in a heap of normalities, stiletto heals and formalities.”
He makes no attempt to wash it off, instead he unbuttons the shirt, letting his belly hang out over his suit-pants and tosses it on the floor. The phone rings and reveals the name of the person calling, “Samantha Miller”.
“Not today Samantha. Not today,” he whispers as he puts his phone into sleep-mode.
What Samantha, his boss of 15 years, doesn’t know is that Bob Litter has remained by his sink, overlooking the apartments in front of him, for 2 hours. Ever since he mindlessly stained himself with coffee he has been standing there, contemplating, letting his workshift start without him for the first time in, well, 15 years.
“Bob the Blob”
“Hey Bob, did you litter yourself?!”
“Bobby the Flobby!”
“Bob the Sob”
“Litter is Bitter!”
He acts it out, imitates the voices of the past and the now, all the disgraceful nicknames that have poured over him throughout his life, in school, at work, at camp. Samantha says they are uttered from his co-workers with love and sarcasm, that they would never have done it if there were an ounce of seriousness to them. He finds that hard to believe.
He is fat, he is bald and he has dark circles around his eyes, hanging like bags of the sickly skin which a nearly dead elderly person acquires.
“They are right. Somehow they’ve made me believe it. Turned me into it. Turned me into the stain I never knew I was. I will die anyway, might as well get on with it. When death seems more fun than life, it has to be the right choice, right?”
No one will answer him, for he has no confidants, he has no wife, no husband, no children, no friends, no living family, except from a cousin he’s never met, he is alone. In retrospect I can see how it happened, that he involuntarily chose loneliness, he let others get to him and beat him down inch by inch. He lost his fighting-spirit when his long-sought-after ex had a miscarriage and she left him. It was during the time when he still had hair, was less fat and had just landed his job as a banking official, when life was fun.
He picks up the white shirt with a coffee-stain on it and puts it on again.
“I should die as the stain I am,” he says a he laughs and sobs, laughs and sobs in a spectrum of indecisive emotions.
His index finger reaches around the trigger of the gun that has been lying in front of him since he went to get it just after the stain arose. He is disturbed by the flashing light from his phone, it reads “Samantha Miller”. He takes the gun and shoots the phone, two shots, glass flying, metal cracking, one shot, Bob is dead, blood flying, no one is crying.
It actually pains me, as death, to see this. What a lonesome soul, what a beautiful mind that so few got to get to know. What I know though that Bob didn’t know, is that Samantha Miller called him, not to bark at him for being late but for getting the door code to his housing estate.
For outside his whole team of banking officials awaited him to leave for work. How wonderful they looked in their suits, party-hats and colorful helium-balloons. Today was Bob’s 64th birthday. Wait, something is happening. The police has knocked down Bob’s door, Samantha Miller has called them in sheer concern for the man who has never been late for work.
The police finds the man on the floor in his kitchen, seemingly floating on a stain of blood.
He told me not to book anything in on the 12th of June and let me live in oblivion till’ five days before when he revealed that we were going on a staycation in Nacka.
Met him up by Dramaten, with butterflies in my belly and was stoked about going on a mini-adventure. We took the boat out to Nacka Strand, checked in at Hotel J, jumped in our king-size bed and then went and played tennis – which was incredibly fun despite my competitive aggressive side that pops up whenever I smell competition.
“The more champagne in the sun, the more fun” as the old saying goes.
The evening spiraled down into something taken out of a tourist-book that you simply assume is photoshopped till death, but here’s a truth: it’s not. It’s reality.
That tower over there is Kaknästornet, which is situated a couple of hundred meters from where I live!
Fun fact: Our first picture together, ever, was taken by a German/Russian/not quite sure who was there on the pier with his wife to revisit their engagement-spot. Hence, I took a picture of them and they took one of us. Look how beautiful it became…
HAHA. I find it hilarious. Luckily the second one came out pretty cute.
We headed back to the hotel and did this, which I recommend – bubbles and whiskey.
I had my assessment today and it bugged me, it made me feel inadequate and wrong, lost and unintelligible. Haunted by the feeling of always doing too little, never enough.
I structure a routine to fit everything in, ending up with a breakdown and smeary tears. When is “it’s enough” and “how active can one be during a day” and “I should be able to do that too today”? What is “fitting everything in” when you can’t hear your own thoughts? Then it doesn’t matter, does it?
These are the thoughts I’ve fought with the past couple of weeks, trying to find a balance where I enjoy every day and not simply stressing through it. I have not succeeded. And when I write this I think: “What is knot of stress in the stomach when people are suffering for real?” It’s nothing and yet it is everything in those moments – The anxiety moments of trying to fit everything in, deliver here and there, being here for everyone I love and still remain pleasant to be around. I see now that it’s a huge performance-anxiety issue. PERFORM ON ALL LEVELS – or else you are worthless. Note to self: That is not true. The more I try to do at once the worse the results get, so please myself, try and narrow it down and do what tingles your brain the most.
On that note: I am so happy it’s summer now, I am going to fix all tiny details in my apartment, do projects I’ve been thinking about for ages, spend time with family, friends and boyfriend, take photos, work, love and laugh and go on adventures! Most importantly: I am going to date like crazy (friends I haven’t seen in a long while, that is) and plan my summer. I’m not going to let it go to waste by taking the days as they come, no, I am going to be the first one to know about events, festivals and other fun things.
This headline could have been the beginning to one of my highly acclaimed poems but nah 😉 It’s all about the moving-in chaos that I currently live in. BUT, my bed is here, the sofa arrived today (currently sitting in it m m m), school’s out on Friday and summer is here! Life is friggin’ good. Can’t wait to start sharing my space with my friends and go on wild adventures this summer.
First of all, my team and I won the ICA-hack. Which felt great – first time I’ve ever won a hack at Hyper.
Regarding the reconstruction, this was my livingroom wall when I moved in. Bye green forever, now it’s in a cool grey color painted with Jotun’s mineral-color.
N has been a gem throughout the whole moving-process and helped me with so much. To thank him I let him write his name over one of my walls, just as a memory. JK.
My fambam came by and we had coffee on the floor and soon I can invite them over to MY place for dinner. How sick is that?!?!
Don’t think I need to comment on this picture more than: He’s mine. ;))
We had a mega-celebration dinner for Magnus, Jake and Hank on Mother’s Day (don’t worry, mom was celebrated accordingly). What a treat it was to be ALL of us, girlfriends/boyfriends/extended family, in one room for one night.
Last Wednesday was a day of events. Firstly Cam and I went to Start-Up Grind to listen to Natalia Brzezinski (did I get that right?) which was interesting, what a ball of energy she is! Afterwards, after having struggled with our useless navigation-skills, we found our way to Brandstationen where my team-mate, friend and photographer Nicolina Knapphad an exhibition. So proud of her, making her way to the top!
Lastly, my gang came by my apartamento. Felt such bliss during that night, to just sit down, catch-up and talk for ages. We ended the evening with laying flat on my floor chanting some Indian meditation-chants. Questionable. I know.
Today is the day! Meeting with the broker at 9 to sign and get the keys. Afterwards I’m heading to school to present for ICA and then I’m rushing back home to pack up some of my things, run to the store and buy paint. Because tomorrow – PAINTMANIA KICKS OFF!
These two on a dramatic night!
Coop is running the ad which I am the front-figure of, all over the place. Got a friggin shock when I drove into my usual store and found myself on what, like 8 different signs!? Felt like a bad dream, JOSIES EVERYWHERE!!!
Our class was cute one sunny day and sang for our PM. We were waiting outside for half an hour, and everytime someone walked out the door we started screaming happy birthday to them, and it was funny to see how happy people became! Felt like we were mood-up minions, hired to lift people’s spirits ❤ It’s about two weeks left now of my first year at Hyper. What a journey it has been.
There is grief circling mind, like a ring of wildfire, it surrounds every thought. Not letting anything in, nor out. I push the memories back because they remind me, and reminciscing leads to tears and crying hurts. I woke up with a blistering headache, piercing through my head as if it was a spear of glowing lead, an evil reminder of the night before.
The 16th of May when we said goodbye to our family-member and my best mate, an era ended. We got almost 16 years together, Snaps and I, my stubborn little Dachshund.
He left us in peace with the whole family united, sitting around him in the living-room. A room for the living, now a room for the dead. He is now gone, and I am left bewildered because at the same time as I’ve always known I would out-live him, I thought he would live forever, here with me.
I don’t know life without him. He is in my first memories, or rather, he is my first memories. I was six years old when we received him and the month leading up to his arrival was, and still is, the longest month in my life, and that longing is my first memory. I had never before felt so strongly for something and then he came and he came in like a whirlwind; barking so much the neighbours sent threat-letters about calling the police if we didn’t make him shut up, talking whenever we cuddled, running away into the forest barking after some rabbit only to wake up the whole neighbourhood, running away only to stand outside the house of a bitch – crying for her attention.
I still feel his body in my arms, I know every part as if it were my own, his every sound and what it meant, I always said he was my heart outside my body and now it’s been chopped off. It hurts.
I am missing you pal. May you forever be as vivid and alive as you were, and as you are in my mind right now.
As we stride through unknown territories
To the sound of ‘Harmony of Pheromonies’
As we speak quietly
For each other’s inner entirety
As we, eyes locked, gaze solemnly
For some sort of certainty
As we tease in elation
For a higher state of affirmation
We find not
As we shake in confusion
Truth in this illusion
In Ghana I decided to live my life here in Sweden, more like I did there, which equals spending more money on food, drinks, events, activities, and in return get more experiences and fun-times.
These past weeks have been all about sun-bathing (because summer came to Sweden?!?!! WHAT?!) going out, eating out, going to school, working and spend a lot of time with friends and a sweetheart.
I don’t know how many times Sonja and I have said, in the past couple of weeks: “Life’s too good. When is the shitstorm coming?” then we decided to simply enjoy all this goodiness without any scepticism.
Everything happens within a haze of hopes, dreams and lust for life. I see it in the eyes of my friends and in the conversations amongst us. A lot is cooking but we don’t know what it will boil down to, all these ideas, decisions and the several paths of life one could go down. Everyone has their own route and I love being a part of every single one’s own options and ideas.
I love being this age – all the questioning, advicing, adventures, strange happenings, possibilities, downfalls and the uncertainty to it all.
Yesterday we got back from Kokrobite, a small paradise an hour outside of Accra.
We stayed in a honeymoon suite (to say the least) at Kokrobite Garden. With paintings, colorful houses, a beautiful garden and snaky pathways I think it makes for the ultimate setting for a wedding.
The moon here in Ghana tends to shine brighter than it does in other places. Fortunately I would say, because without it it would be pitch black everywhere.
Both Friday and Saturday night were quite magical, we danced on the beach in the moonlight, with the stars trying to outshine the moon, without success.
On Saturday it was Reggae night at Big Milly’s and I danced for four hours straight. I was so sweaty I might as well had been taking a bath. Felt free as a bird and my smile was stuck to my face all night long. Before the party started a Ghanaian team of acrobats blew our minds away with all that body-twisting.
All in all a great freaking weekend, wonderful people, dancing, sun, the ocean and many unexpected turn of events.
Now I’m headed to the gym for the first time in two weeks and I am PUMPED!!!!
As we woke up around 6.30 on Monday we brought our sweaty bodies out of the bed, into the sunlight. The warm breeze felt as good as a cold shower after a sauna. We were served a small breakfast consisting of meal-replacer bags.
We headed out to say goodbye to Joshua, which was a heartfelt moment for Cam and him, they didn’t get much time together this time for he was heading to study for some test in another village. As we stood with him, these ladies on the motoking came by.
The day flew by in a fast-paced tempo. Camilla brought me to her secret spot down by the White Volta, where nature is lush and green contra the dry landscape that is most of the north.
Ah those African sunsets eh?! What a treat for the mind. On our way there, I, of course, had to try my legs on the African soil…
We spent a big chunk of the day working on our school/life project and had a really good session in the heat at Green House, an eco-lodge run by Ibrahim, Karimenga’s entrepreneur. He does tremendous work for the community such as building the Green House to bring more tourists to the village as well as paying the kids a little to pick up all the plastics lying around, and now he’s building a new little hut for tourists by the White Volta.
At night we ate in the room in the compound and we sweated A LOT, as eternalised below:
A great day all in all which ended on the roof of a hut at Green House under a mosquito-net.
Last Sunday we got on the plane from Accra to Tamale Airport. I got the strange sensation of that Camilla and I were wildlings and we were about to conquer the north, behind the wall. Because it is a wall, it seperates the “rich and the rich poverty” of Accra from extreme poverty in the northern parts of Ghana.
We embarked on a plane with AWA (Africa World Airlines), who’s tagline is:
“Touching Africa. Touching the World!!” Exactly like that, and I find those two!! exclamation marks to be hilarious.
We were lucky enough to get a cab with air condition, that made the one and a half hour ride a pure bliss. My first impression of the north was all the police stops, men in uniforms with guns, the bargaining over toll and the young ladies running up to cars, attempting to sell their groceries. We bought three eggs.
My tummy was filled with butterflies, and when Camilla said: “Behind this hill is Karimenga!” they all flew out – finally we had arrived.
We arrived just before the sun set and when the cab drove into the village we were greeted by most of the villagers. It warmed my heart to see Camilla freakishly happy and to see how happy they were to see her. Her second family.
I was introduced to everyone, met the baba of the village, met Joshua (Cam’s friend and colleague) whom I have heard so much about, met the mama of our compound and was invited in to the room where we would sleep, in the building that Cam and the other’s have built.
I was baffled. Firstly because, never ever have I lived in that environment, secondly I could not grasp how Cam has spent over a year in the village in total. That all made sense the day after the sweatiest night of my life (sleeping under a tin roof in 43 degrees C is not to be recommended) and I saw her walking elegantly through the village as naturally as if it was her home, talking in FraFra with everyone she saw.
Needless to say, even though it is poor, the people are rich. I got the opportunity to jump into relationships that Cam has built with everyone under several years, and I got to listen to conversations and thoughts that I never would have been getting to partake in if it was not for Camilla and her ability to connect with whomever, whenever. They discussed death, love, conflicts, relationships, all those universal human factors that make us all able to converse and connect.
That first night they celebrated the baptising of a child, hence they played loud music and danced, unfortunately it was abruptly cut off because a woman in her forties died that same night. Death and life, all at once. Death gets very close there, they dig the graves themselves and bury the bodies in the village.
Coming to Karimenga was a first-hand experience of the circle of life, in a manner that I’ve never had the privilege to see before. The community is built on relationships, trust, hard work, helping hands, love and a team-work out of this world. I am in awe by how hard they work, out in the fields in 45 degrees, and not one complaint.
Those were my first impressions, but not even all of them, and tomorrow I’ll write the continuation.
It’s twenty-seven degrees in my room, but I am freezing. My body is laying flat in bed and my eyes are forcing me to keep them shut, they are not ready for a new day. I fall into some sort of half-ass sleep where I enter dreamland. I dream of all the experiences I’ve had the last couple of days and all my thoughts become vivid imagery. I see the ones I hold dear in Sweden, they have come to Ghana and we are all living here in Accra. I believe this dream is a creature of fear. The fear of loosing my loved ones, a fear that always strikes me when I am leaving for a new adventure. Whenever I leave my comfort zone and head into the unknown the realization of how fragile life is always dawns on me.
I am yanked out of sleep by a massive thunderstorm, it feels as if my bed is shaking and I am comforted by the intensity, the power it holds and the way it makes me feel insignificant, like the mountains tend to do, as if all my thoughts and my being is nothing, compared to the wild, wild nature. Straight after the rumbling, Chloé, a four month old labrador puppy starts screaming. Maybe she is frightened out there in her little box. I feel the urge to go out and pick her up, but that would be nothing but a bad favor with good intentions, she will live here for the rest of her life and has to learn the hard way.
The first day in Ghana I was a little knot of anxiety, as always when I am somewhere new, the first day is a blurr of what I left behind and what is to come. Philippe took us out to a restaurant called Republic and we were thrown into the Ghanaian life in Accra, a big bustling, hustling crazy environment with a strong sensation of life that I seldom see in Sweden. The ball of anxiety was a bit different this time, I had been in a bubble of getting to know someone special back home for several weeks and being thrown out of that exhillirating, frightening delight, was something new for me. The day before leaving I bid on an apartment and signed a sheet that would allow my father to continue bidding when I was on the plane. I played with the thought of actually winning the bidding when we were up in the air and it felt too unreal, at the same time my gut-feeling told me I would. As inklings of the gut have it, I turned on my phone when we arrived at Philippe’s, and there it was, the message from my father saying that ”You have an apartment! Congratulations!”. My thoughts were spinning faster and faster and the surrealism of the situation was no where near graspable. Here I was in Ghana, a completely new country, for me, in Africa, with a wild fiery friend named Camilla, and back home I had just gotten an apartment on my dream-location in Stockholm. Add the weird sensation of still having someone else’s soft lips on my mine, as if I could still feel his smell and touch, my mind kind of exploded into, yeah, what? Overload?
These past couple of days we have been by the pool, been at a skybar at Villaggio, been to a nightclub where someone stole my cool Jack Daniel’s T-shirt that I bought in the bar (it was black and gold), and yesteerday we hung out at a beautiful hotel and we saw the ocean! A polluted ocean but still, how good did that wind from the sea feel on my face?
Out of nowhere a charming human, with eyes as blue as the sea, with tattooed biceps and the giggliest laughter ever heard, entered my life.The past couple of days we’ve taken vacation from our chores and spent time together.
I believe that when crushing – give it all the time it needs because it is a rare thing to fall and one better cherish it… Also, I am going to Ghana tomorrow for two weeks and so we felt we had to take our time to find time.
Two couples have gotten the urge to kiss each other when they’ve seen us kiss on the streets. One elderly couple found us all cuddled up on the train and they both said:
“AH! The spring-love is blossoming!” The man added:
“It even makes ME stimulated, here – GIVE ME A KISS!” And so he kissed his wife.
I believe that is the epitome of “spreading the love” ;).
Yesterday we ate breakfast outside, sunbathed on the veranda and played tennis in the garden. We have played our own singing game and listened to music almost every second. My lips are red from all our kisses and my skin is soft from comfort and safety.
Tomorrow is a long sought after adventure coming up, although, these last four weeks have been an adventure in itself.