Fall. In. Love. Again. and. Again

I fell in love three days ago when we sat in the bed of a friend, surrounded by friends, and we made jokes that no one else gets
This morning you walked into the bathroom as a bearded man
When you came out you had shed your beard
I on the other hand, shed nothing
I only layered up with love,
I fell,
for you

I’ve known that love, that overused word, becomes stronger over time
I feel it for friends every time I meet them
I fall in love with them
It’s the self-explanatory kind of love,
the one that tells me that whatever evil you, my friend, might do to me,
I’ll always love you

With you on the other hand
When I fall, over
and stronger

It’s not with certainty
It comes in shockwaves
As if you baffle me with your sheer existence,
and you’re standing there, open to my loving you
Who am I then to not be completely absorbed
To not take my chance on falling
When it’s the greatest experience of them all

The difference is that whatever evil you might do to me
I won’t always love you
I won’t forgive

Perhaps that’s the reason to why I let myself lean in into what is us
Because I know that it’s not for certain
So I take my chances with braveity
For it’s the only way I will know
that whatever pain might come my way because of you
at least I loved whole-heartedly, with every piece of me
and when one has done that
there are no regrets
no wrong-doings
nothing that could have been done differently

Little Miss Fuck-Up

Yesterday I went out bowling and got drunk instead of studying. Today my wrist is hurting from the bowling balls, guess that’s the price you have to pay when you’re the winner ūüėČ

I try to let go of control, an attempt to not live up to the “Little Miss Perfect” – ideal. I don’t do my chores as I should, I¬†try to take life not so seriously because it usually leaves me in a position where I feel stressed out for no reason. I’m fighting the “have to’s and should do’s” with a more laidback me, but this results in me feeling out of control and a lack of self-esteem because “I can’t seem to do anything right nor good”.¬†I know it’s good for me to let go, but the struggle to feel fine in letting go is perhaps more difficult than being in control.

It’s as if though I’m rummaging through my life e v e r y day, turning it inside out in an attempt to figure… well… something out. Is it possible to be a teenager twice? Because my mind cuts me no slack what so ever these days. It’s as if I’ve thought so hard for so long that it’s now wired to analyze everything that happens to cross my path.

Internal battles without a commander in chief are not fruitful at all. Perhaps I just have to woman-up and stop questioning myself so damn much and instead be a proud boss who knows it’s employee sometimes fails and that is o k e y.¬†


Free-writing my way to freedom

I’m in a room on Gotland in a beautiful summer house. There are five new, for me, people sleeping in the other rooms. They’re my team-mates on this shortfilm-shoot. Yesterday I rode for four hours straight and I felt empowered and free sitting on the horse Irina. My co-actress and I roamed the fields, cantered, trotted and flung ourselves down over the horses when they steered us into low-hanging branches.

I’ve been living with a tiny nervous-knot in my tummy for a while and I can’t figure out why. It’s a feeling of stress that might come from conflicting thoughts. Because in my mind I feel like a stray dog, going everywhere, going nowhere, going places. Thinking of every possible outcome of my decisions, contemplating on what I can do differently, am I doing enough? What more can I do? Am I missing something?
Yet I’m more tied down than every with an apartment, bonds to pay, living with my partner, running a company etc.

Life feels intrusive, or rather, I feel life a lot. Everything that happens makes my mind spiral into a cave of thoughts regarding what happened. It’s exhausting. Instead of simply existing and having fun I’m constantly drawn deeper into my internal state of mind, scrutinizing every moment of an event.

When a child grows, their brains create thousands of superfluous synapses, which they later shed. And I feel like that, as if my mind is shedding and transitioning, adapting and making sense of my “new” life.

Over-thinking is the theme for my past months. “Stop over-thinking”. I hear it so many times, I even tell my friends that. Maybe there is danger to over-thinking, especially if you’re wired in a self-destructive way, then the thoughts can bring one down completely. But on the other side of the coin, I believe over-thinking can do good. It’s a way of making sense of ones world and when one topic is turned inside out and thought of from all perspectives, then it’s done right? No need to think about it any more.
Therefore I let go, I write and trust the process. The flaring thoughts will subside sooner or later and a lighter version of a mind will protrude.
Just like when the spring-buds arrive and I can sense nature taking a deep breath of relief, that’s the liberation I’m yearning for.

As of now I solely feel like a prisoner in my own mind. There are too many thoughts in a tiny space and all the superfluous ones opress the new thoughts that are down there somewhere. I haven’t had any new ideas in a long time and that is usually a reaction to me not being well.
My body is reacting too, my heart beats like a woodpecker pecks, and if my thoughts are the woodpecker, I want to shoot the woodpecker.

An example of how the woodpecker works, take my headline that I just re-read:
“But what is freedom?” “Is it being allowing to ones thoughts and emotions and not putting any further value to them?” “Is it the privilege of being able to contemplate?” “Is it having a progressive government?”

I guess my kind of freedom is the one where I simply act and is reacted upon without questioning myself and not letting other’s questioning concern me.¬†

Successful Play

My kitchen is messy, so is my bed, my mind feels fuzzy and my skin feels dry. I’m trying to ignore the fact that I’ve slept for five hours and am constantly pulled between sinking down inbetween the sheets or take care of the things stated in the first sentence.

I celebrated my friend Kim’s b-day party last night and it was a blast. On my way home I tried to analyze what makes a party great. I believe it’s a combination of a chilled, yet engaged host. Someone who has arranged activities and decorations but is cool when it comes to things getting messy. The thing with last night was the way we played! We fought in the kitchen, ended up in a ping-pong ball war, I tried to hypnotize my friend with a balloon pendulum, we danced funny dances etc. Perhaps the epitome of a great party is simply when “adults” are given the opportunity and the room to play? Especially when the crowd is keen on feeding off of each other’s energies and responds in a playful manner when someone initiates some weirdness or fun.

Whatever it is, all I know is that I’m feelign extremely calm and happy after last night. Filled with love and laughter. Crazy friends are life.

Stockholm Charades

Summer flies to foreign countries


the spirits of autumn settle in


People, kissed by a healing wind


waiting for the harsh winter to begin


as the sun enters hibernation


Swedes work on their winter accusations


but in their minds live warm memories of Summer
fragments that will keep them together

Snapchat Bonanza

Let’s start with saying – I love snapchat. I’m a frequent user and think it’s a neat way of coming closer to your friends when one can’t meet them all too often… =( Here are some from¬†the past couple of weeks!

Who blows up a pick of them and their dark rings voluntarily? Well, I do. Don’t think I slept much that week… Or you know, could be the winter that’s taken a toll on me.


Had a cozy night with Camilla at Daphne’s, she was looking gorgeous per usual.


Carro made¬†this epic brunch to me and Ebba ‚̧¬†img_b3a2fd9720d5-1

Stumbled upon this on my way home one day. It still bugs me to this day that I have no idea what happened. Did he throw out her clothes when his girlfriend came home? Did she throw some other girl’s clothes out? Did someone sleepwalk and thought the bush was a wardrobe? The funny thing is that the clothes were still hanging on one week after. I can only assume that someone is still running around naked.¬†img_c96b9f7591e3-1

I don’t know what to call this, it’s not sexting, it’s more like gifexting? Is that a thing? Now it is. Nils and I had fun with it anyway. Not very sexy at all actually.


A quiet Sunday

Sharing the sofa with Zampa, music flowing around me and the cold weather is intrusive from the outside. Mamma was here a minute ago and we shared a coffee and caught up. Absolutely love living in walking distance from all of my family.

My mental state is a bit fuzzy because Johanna and I had a very romantic dinner yesterday at Folkbaren, where they serve ridiculously cheap champagne…

Other than that I’m looking forward to this month. I’m going to:

– Act in a shortfilm on Gotland the 16-19th
– Produce sketches for Chris&Josie
– Do different projects for clients at Yadi Yada
– Go up north with Nils’s family for a couple of days
– Celebrate my friend’s birthday
– Maybe go to London to visit Elsa

Even though I’m not studying psychology half as much as I should I feel that I’m getting more and more into it. I’ve started observing behaviors, noticing defense mechanisms etc. I’m becoming that unnerving observing person that will apply all different psychology theories and diagnosis on everyone! Just kidding, all in all, I just love learning more and more about our psyche’s, it’s beyond fascinating how the mind functions.

Some random photos of late:


A man on the subway
Sunken cheeks, skinny bones,
White tufts of hair on his head
Blue, coming on grey, eyes
Carved roads on his forehead –
marks from all the times he’s reacted to something
Laughinkles next to his eyes
and I see
I see his stories playing before his eyes
a life lived
stories to be told
Veins in the color of the ocean run over his hands
as if each and everyone of them resembles a decision
I start talking to him
but he can’t hear me
he waves with his fragile hand over his ears
showing me he’s unable
It bothers me to the extent that I become teary-eyed
For here is another human with wisdom and stories that I won’t take part of,
nor will the world
How much human-waste is there in the world?
How many learnings and wisdom is buried with their owners?

Leaking Love

I am leaking love
it’s in my footprints
Smudging it into the wooden floors when I walk
It’s invisible only to you
You struggle your way out of bed
you put your feet down on it
For every step you take now,
I’ll be hurting
I say a sweet goodmorning
You smile in response
While you head off for your morning routine
you stomp around
I’m leaking
I give you a compliment under teary eyes
Visible even to you
Not that you take notice
You smile and tell me you love me
a habit, not the truth
You walk out the door
headed to wherever my love has not leaked
Only there are you free

He moved in

I wake up and feel his arms around me, as I have countless of times. I push¬†his arms harder around me because my drowsy head tells me to embrace the moment – he will go home soon and you won’t see each other till Wednesday.
Then it dawns on me, I’ll see him tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, and the next morning… and so it goes, for he moved in with me yesterday. I’m filled with a deep warm sensation of comfort and happiness.
Coming from a family of five and used to having people around, the single-household can feel lonely from time to time and I’m tired of it.
We’ve gotten the question (mainly from the older generations): Well, will you both fit in there?
My apartment is 36sqm and it has a seperate bedroom, I can’t help but think how utterly privileged we are only to be able to ask that question. Of course we’ll both have room.
I don’t want to take part in increasing Sweden’s number of single households (we’ve the highest ranking in the world). Because it’s the saddest thing I’ve heard about my country. Therefore, if I have the chance to live with someone (a very special someone), then I’ll take it. Living together is much more fun than living alone.

2017 starts today

My 2017 starts today. Been slacking away since 2016 ūüėČ Let me share a joke:
Nils woke up with a sore throat today and when he said:
“It feels like I have a ton of snot in my¬†throat”
I answered
“Mmmm, I love that feeling of eating locally produced.” Probably my best joke so far in 2017.

Anyway. New Year’s was just as nice as I hoped it would be. Spent the evening at Felicia’s and Jockes and as usual they served amazing food and drinks and a great time in general. Sunday was spent in the sofa, on the floor, in bed, in front of anything close to watchable.

Some snapchat shenanigan’s of late:

Sonja couldn’t make it to New Year. She was stuck in 2016 so we made a video to reminisce her.


Some pics from New Year which include: a very cute friend, a crazy lovely Brit, the best hosts on earth and then my love. How infinitely happy I am to have him by my side.

Yesterday Nils and I went to Skogskyrkogården because I was in need of a small adventure. It was cold and ghastly but beautiful.


Oh and I’ve been witnessing some beautiful evening-skies from the roof-top.

What more? Any New Year’s resolutions? Not really, except from one thing that I’m going to let impregnate this year: Not give a shit. Which in my head means: be brave, seek opportunities and follow them through, contact people I’m curious about and not overthink my ideas.


Rapid Production


Last week Chris and I recorded a long sketch, which later turned out to be extremely unfocused. Or, more specifically: I was not in focus. Christmas-holiday’s were coming up around the corner and we needed films to push out during our break. We had to trash the film and come up with a new one. In the matter of minutes, like 70¬†of them, we had ideated, written a short script and filmed it. The day after it was published. BOOM! We’re getting better and better.

This is the result, hope you enjoy it ūüėÄ

Merry Christmas

It’s christmas morning and Nils just left for work. I’m drinking coffee in bed, listening to my new Dali-Katch loudspeaker which I just got from Nils. He’s taught me to appreciate good sound and now I feel like just sitting here all day, “Dali-Katch¬†and chill”. The sound is so clear.¬†FullSizeRender 14.jpg

I’ve been so eager to give Nils his gift, which is to go see Bon Iver in Luxembourg, now, finally, I got to give it! He became very happy ūüėÄ I made a puzzle for him, because nothing should be easy.


Yesterday afternoon, the best of humans gathered in my livingroom. I love christmas because that means my mates come home from their respective student-cities. We chatted away, caught up and ate gingerbread. We were in the same room for five minutes before some had to go, so of course, we took group-photos to eternalize this moment. img_9389img_9393img_9406img_9410img_9417e got some neck-scratching.

19 drafts in my pocket

I’ve 19 drafts lying around in this blog, 9 of which were created this week. I can’t seem to find my words, nor my language, nor my inspiration or flow. Perhaps I’m encumbered with self-doubt or some other human annoyance.

Last night, Chris and I went on christmas-holiday. We celebrated our first month working together with a beer and a glass of wine at Bird, discussing our upcoming project and how the journey has been so far.

This christmas I’ll take my time to sit in silence, go on long walks in nature, read a lot and not let myself become engulfed in social media or some series I don’t really like. I’ll hug my friends and listen more than I talk. I’ll be with my family and reconnect with my siblings.

I’m incredibly excited for christmas tomorrow. I can’t WAIT till I get to give my gifts. Especially the one to Nils.

Fields of ancient flowers

There are fields of ancient flowers
They wither but never die
They rise again
to build floors of colored gold
Imagine how much they have seen
The time that has gone by
From cavemen to wikings
dinosaurs to bears
If only they could whisper
in all of our two ears
All their learnings
throughout the years
Maybe we could learn
how to be carriers of gold

Without ever wither blood

Halloween 2016

Nils threw a great halloween-party a couple of weeks back. Trump was there (of course), Kim & Kanye, King and Queen of chess (Nils and I that is), Draco Malfoy, on top of that Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake came all the way from the 90’s!

Since we were king and queen of chess I had an interactive party-game idea (which we half-ass:edly executed) ¬†that went like this; We had a chess-board on the table and when the guests arrived everyone got a chesspiece in paper-format. Nils and I then played against each other and moved a piece every ten minutes or so. We announced which piece was moved and everyone with that piece had to take a shot of tequila. Unfortunately we ran out of tequila rather fast, hence the game died…


Years on earth: 23

Today is my birthday. I’ve now been an earthling for 23 years and I must say, it’s very neat to be alive despite all the¬†inexplicable¬†things that are happening in the world.

I had a birthday-dinner last Saturday which turned out to be a really fun and sweet evening. I know nothing that’s better than having so many of my favorite people gathered in one place. The best part is that it’s happening tonight as well, but with family and extended family!

Some moments from the birthday-dinner:

Oh btw! We did an epic mannequin challenge ūüėÄ


This one… makes my heart melt.


Beautiful people Burgers with all sorts of toppings and mudcake was on the menu! img_8684

I’ve heard people love getting their picture taken whilst eating, especially burgers, so I did that ūüėȬ†img_8685img_8686

Relationship Paranoia

Hello there!

My partner in crime, Chris, and I, have now released our first project that we made single-handedly together as Yadi Yada Pictures.

It turned out to become more of a shortfilm than a sketch, I guess that leaves us at “a longer sketch”. It was a blast filming it, equally fun releasing it and receiving such good response. I’m feeling supported by friends and family out there in the Internet-kingdom.

Take a look yourself:

Relationship Paranoia

Tom Odelling

Last night I had a pleasant reunion with Tom Odell, this thanks to Nils as I got the concert for my¬†birthday. ¬†The first time I saw Mr. Odell¬†was in New York when Elena and I sneaked into a dinner-concert and got ourselves a table and some wine. I was completely compelled by his stage-presence and the way he humped his piano (didn’t see any of that yesterday though) =(. He and his band have this outstanding energy on stage which simply draws one in. Last night, I started crying during Grow Old With Me because I started thinking of my grandma and grandpa, my ma and pa, whether I will grow old with someone etc. In that moment my romantic, lovie-dovie, “love conquers all”-self thought: deciding on someone for the rest of your life and then do everything to make it work must be the most beautiful happening on earth. In the next, when a new song came on, my cynical self thought: “√ĄH! Heck with marriage, people only get divorced anyways” and “√ĄH I’ve heard open relationships are the new black.” Only time can tell for me, I guess. I hope for the first though.


I just bought a ‘The Economist’-subscription instead of food.¬†Somehow I thought that was reasonable. Also just got back from the gym where I thought I’d puke all over the treadmill at the same time as I would faint from exhaustion. Second time this week. Get a grip body.

That was a small excerpt from my life.

Over ‘n out.

Exciting week ahead

New week. New adventures.

So, what’s up?¬†

This week is going to be filled with work 9-4/5/6 with Chris – internship starts NOW. He’s here in 30min btw and I am still struggling with getting sleepdust out of my eyes. It is so difficult to get up nowadays when the world¬†is pitch black.

Tonight, my classmate is playing at Obaren¬†with his band, they’re called Diskopunk. GO check them out because they’re gonna be everywhere soon! They are on fire =)

Tomorrow I’m heading out for dinner with a bunch and afterwards we’re going to see Tom Odell. IIIIH! Nils gave it to me for my birthday ‚̧ Last time I saw him was when Elena and I crashed a dinner-concert in New York and somehow we managed to get a table. We watched him make love to the piano and swooned over him all the way back to Brooklyn.

Then on Saturday I’m having a birthday-dinner with my friends.

Now I better gtfup before Chris comes.


Running our own bizniz

I’m going to be that Swede now, nagging about the weather. BUT JEEEZ?! I don’t think the sun rose today, it’s been raining continuously since 8AM, it’s dark outside and it’s 3.35pm, remind me again of why I live here?

My week has been absurdly calm. My partner in crime is ill so we haven’t worked, but that’s fine because internship officially starts on Monday. Oh! Btw…OUR COMPANY GOT REGISTERED AND APPROVED YESTERDAY! I present to you:

Yadi Yada Pictures

Feeling oddly proud, considering we haven’t done much, but with our fighting spirits and idea-puking-bombastic-minds I know we’re going to make this great, no matter the end-result. ¬†It’s a dream come true this, running my own company and shiit. On Monday we’re visiting our could-be office and on Wednesday I went to an AW + tour at The Castle – an amazing co-working space with gymnastic rings in the ceiling, needless to say, I was sold. That’ll be for later though. For now we need our own little hub where we can laugh and rant about manuscripts without disturbing anyone.

Some fragments of late

The weather got cold enough for the come-back of the bearpussy (hehe). It’s hiding on top of my head.
An out-take from the shortfilm shoot. Yup. That’s a salmon.
N and I had the coziest day when it snowed 40cm, commuting was impossible and schools were shut down. He made me soup ‚̧
N and I bought a waffle-bowl iron and a toast-maker and had a delish brunch. 100kr/machine at Kjell & Co – TIP!!!
Cute pap and sis on father’s day.
Handsome man in my kitchen.


Fire & Joy – Blog tips

If you haven’t visited Nirrimi Firebrace’s blog yet, do it. She has a way with words that…gah. Just go see for yourself. This piece for example:

More and more often I look at Bee without that manic consuming love. Often I look at him and he’s just Bee and I’m just me. Stripped of magic, stripped of electricity. These ordinary moments hurt me now and then, they seem to highlight the way love changes. I write.

“This is the part where your touch becomes so familiar that I forget where I end and you begin. Where I begin to talk to myself out loud because even though you’re right beside me it feels like I’m all alone. Where I stop wearing make-up, wear ugly old shirts all day, leave the dishes piled up by the sink and sing songs I can’t sing well. Where I’m cooking pancakes naked and you don’t bat an eyelid. Where I lament the fireworks of the beginning and romanticise the excitement of singledom. Where you tell me my soup is too salty and I tell you I hate that song you love. Seriously, I really hate it.

But this is the part where I don’t need to tell you why I’m crying, you already know why and you know all the right things to say. Where we work silently on our projects for hours on end without getting distracted by each other. Where we know each other’s bodies so well that sex is divine. Where you know just how I like my avocado toast (so much lemon) and I know just how hot you like your tea. Inside jokes, all the inside jokes. This is where you know all the characters in my stories and I know the narrative of your life as though it’s my favourite novel. This is where all games end and our flawed, messy, marvellous true selves begin.

This is the part where love whispers instead of shouts and even though it‚Äôs quieter now, it‚Äôs stronger than it ever was.‚ÄĚ

I don’t know if there a better way of describing that daunting, yet wonderful, cross-over phase in a relationship more accurately than she has done it.

Film Adventure

My coffee is getting cold on my bedside-table. I’m underneath two covers¬†in a hotel-room in Norrk√∂ping. I’ve just had breakfast with the two actors I’m filming with during this shortfilm. It’s my friend’s shortfilm and I’m proud of her, her first film and I am a part of it!

As we walked home from set at 11.30pm last night I told my co-actors: “Isn’t this amazing?! Here we are, the three of us, strangers to each other, walking on a cold night through Norrk√∂ping. Just like that.” ¬†

And that’s what I love about film. It’s one big adventure. No matter how small or big the production is, one is guaranteed to get memories for life. And no matter how brief the shoot is, one is guaranteed to tie close-knit bonds with the people involved, because we share an experience no one else has been a part of. We are thrown into a team and we all have to make it work.

Nature, a Double-Edged Sword

She lures you in, seduces you with brisk air and long-sought-after golden rays of sun. She sprinkles the streets in leaves which hold all spectrums of colors, she hypnotizes you. Making one believe that life is a walk in a magical park where nothing evil can happen.

Processed with VSCOcam with c9 preset

She shows off all her best sides, fooling you into believing that the sky is an ever-changing canvas which she paints, only for you.


Now that she has your attention, she surprises you by showing another side of her, one that is seldom seen. The bittersweet combination of pastel clouds and teasing mirroring, which makes you want to jump into the ice-cold water. Along with colossal, uncanny bird’s nests hovering above ground. Gruesome and fair, all at once.

img_2748Dystopian clouds roll in over the sky and in over your mind. Leaving you with an eerie feeling of that perhaps the world is not as picturesque as it seemed. Could that be¬†nature’s gift and curse? Its’ tendency¬†to build castles in the air full of hopes, dreams and fantasies, only to, in the next moment, tear them apart, filling the air with reality.

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Reminding you of how nothing is ever constant, except from change.

Brace yourselves…

I’m physically exhausted. Yesterday I ran like a maniac, 3 km fast warm-up, then doing 8x400m √° 1.30min (fast for me because I’m out of shape, the WR is 47.60 seconds so there’s that¬†comparison for you), then wrapped it up with 2km jogging. Today Sonja and I went boxing and now I’m laying here with out-of-order legs and arms. It’s a strange sensation, gravity has never felt this heavy. It’s like I’m carrying the weight of the world.

Although, in an hour my friends and I are doing something I’ve been longing for. We’re going to the launch of BOUNCE, a huge room filled with trampolines. I kid you not, this is a dream come true. FINALLY these type of venus are popping up¬†in Sweden, they’re building a parkour-park too. Nothing gets me in a better mood than trampolines, monkey-bars, the ocean, ANYTHING that makes me¬†feel free like a bird, a fish or nimble as a monkey.¬†

What else? We switched to winter-time this Sunday. The days become shorter and darker because the sun sets at 4, also, it’s been raining all day… Depressed yet? This is the time of the year when the Stockholmers disappear from the streets. They slowly crawl back into their caves to hibernate.¬†You know this is happening to your friends when they stop snapchatting about their fabulous out-and-about lives and start going to therapy instead, I’m exaggerating, obviously. But not really, because according to Baba Pendse (chief physician within psychiatry) 90-95% of all Swedes become more moody during the winter. 1 million (10 %) gets seasonal affective¬†disorder.

I will brace myself from this winter by: 

  • Working hard¬†
  • Run outside/take long walks¬†
  • Have a lot of dinners¬†
  • Cuddle with N¬†
  • Try new activites: salsa, paddle tennis, suggestions?¬†
  • Read books¬†
  • Go on¬†a weekend somewhere¬†
  • Play games with my friends¬†
  • Be with my family¬†
  • Go to christmas-markets¬†
  • Play in the snow¬†
  • Go ice-skating¬†
  • Work out at fun gyms¬†
  • BOUNCE, duh!?¬†
  • WRITE a lot. Because this is the time of the year when I actually sit my ass down and write.¬†



Apocalyptic Delight

We are striving in the light of pain
Thriving in apocalyptic delight
A life on the edge
desperately searching for magic
destructive behavior
The constant search for a savior
For at times, life is bleached
by the ruthlessness of

It’s senseless to believe
we’re only here for fertility
when everything circles our
minds ability

Tidings of pain from the south
makes the Western world seem vain
Yet the destruction increases
Nurtured by that
we move on

life is not all for nothing.

Long time no see

Been up in my head lately and haven’t been able to put words to my thoughts, but I’m thinking I’m done with that now. Sick of thinking, better start doing instead. Hence I’m back here in my little digital home.

These past weeks I’ve been partying a lot, held our final presentation on our final project at Hyper, lost my bankcard & tried new birth control pills which messed up my mind. Now I have three weeks of “professional specialization” before internship which means I’m supposed to find a mentor, make a plan of my internship with Chris and yadiyada. I’m yearning for NYC though, so I might go on a weekend there to visit my favorite Italian, Elena. ‚̧

So, a photobomb:


Changing times

I’ve been through a whirlwind of thoughts these past couple of weeks. In particular it’s been about one decision.
Negotiating with myself what the right move is, measuring pros and cons, seeking advice from everywhere. I’ve been searching for hints, something which could confirm or deter my choice. Then I took a decision. We’re going (my class) out on internship in November, for seven months. I’ve been working on my portfolio, which is far from done because I lost motivation, so instead I started to figure out my values and driving forces. Do I really want to be at a film production company? Yes, one day I do but not now, because an opportunity arose, a dream coming true. My friend and I are going to spend these seven months doing sketches, short-films and do jobs for other companies within film. I want to act, write manuscripts and realize my own/and others ideas with good friends.

These 7 months are going to put us and our abilities to test and it’s going to be horrifically wonderful. We’re doing our own thing and that sentence speaks to my core. It’s what I want to do. Build something from scratch, watch it grow and take on the challenges as they come.

“Carpe diem” “Yolo” “Follow your dreams” “Go hard or go home” – I’ve decided to do all that, because it can’t get worse than worst.

Runner’s High

6th of Sep, Tuesday 

I have to tell you about a snippet of my night.

It started out with me negotiating with, well…me, whether I should go out and run or not, considering my painful achilles tendon. I voted for yes, “screw you AT, find another body to mess with”.

So I hit the streets and thereafter the trails. The AT hurt per usual the first couple of 200m but after some stretching it worked. Then I started running for real. I noticed how my legs worked like a sewing machine “Tatatatatata!” they went, and went and went and went. Wow. Carbs and resting is the key to speedy legs, I thought to myself.

This evening in Stockholm, Djurgården, was mindblowing. The clouds were pink, the sun burned like fire in the horizon, people were walking and talking. All and all an idyllic sight.

My body was pumping, breath flooding and I felt more alive than I have in a while. On my way back I stopped for a photo-session and was overtaken by a very fast girl in my age. I started running again and had a running man in front of me, the triathlon type of looker. When I caught up on him he, noticed me and started running faster. I simply kept my pace. I thought that he was in a rush now because this is the second girl who will take him.

I was right. For after a while he slowed down and I ran past him, he uttered “Damn, some very fit girls out tonight!”. I laughed and kept on pacing, embracing the tiredness in my body. ¬†Eventually I came to a stop with endorphines spraying from my ears (Swedish expression). I felt high on life. So I shouted “WOOO!”.

On top of my joy I suddenly caught something with my eye. In the lights from the lamp-posts on the sidewalk next to a bigger road, I spied a man who had the most tremendous running style I’ve ever seen. His legs were not legs, they where wheels and with a complete stabile torso he took on meter by meter, fast as hell. I simply stopped in awe. ¬†Straight after him came a sportscar, burning away, and I thought “Sure, man built that, but it will never be as impressive as the human body.”

When I came to my street I saw a 40+ man walking and tossing his american football in the air. I did not think much of it until I had passed him and, for some reason, looked back. I then saw that his ball was trapped in some really tall bushes. He looked at me, and I laughed in sympathy.

Then I spent 10 minutes with this man, the two of us trying to tackle  (literally tackling) this giant bush. We jumped, waved with a stick, tried to climb it. Nothing worked, until he found a strange looking fence and kind of brushed the bush with the fence, and PLOP, down came the ball. Everything appeared very comically. We high-fived and went on with our lives.


People Engineering

A choice or two
My voice
Many others too
Engineering my thoughts
Setting them straight
Mend me into a social saint
Do this
Not that
Think this
Not that
Slowly losing the screws
Which held me
Made me
Filled now with nails
Of other people’s traits
The concept of I
Is now you
Your choice
Your voice


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