10K 49.50min

The day before yesterday I went to the forest-trails to run 10K. I had no expectations what so ever, considering the fact that I have spent the past two years doing intervals and in the gym without even getting close to running longer distances. With Zara Larsson’s Sommarprat (which was great btw, articulate, clever and with that young tang to it) in my headphones, I took off.

The legs functioned perfectly – stronger than ever uphill, the lungs as well, and together with those rather important factors – my mind was in full on control-mode. Not one single “Oh Gosh I’m so tired” thought was allowed to enter my mind and affect my running.

To my astonishment the stopwatch, when the meters were ran, stopped and looked at me and said “49.50 min, WOW YOU’RE BACK IN THE GAME FOR REAL!!!”

I flew high on my endorphins that evening. Till’ the exhaustion kicked in and headache from hell came along. I guess that’s part of the game.


 From a road in Banyalbufar 😀

Involuntary Hoarder

Spending the day cleaning up all leftovers from a rather short life lived. 21 years to be exact. The amount of unnecessary stuff which just lies around in the house with absolutely no purpose at all. Broken headphones? Trash ’em. Old receipt? I’ll NEVER go back to the store anyway, T R A S H C A N. Small notes from when I was 5? Yeah cute, but let’s just take a photo and transfer it into the digital world for it to lay there and show my grandchildren. Or not. Trasheeet.

It’s a rather pleasant feeling to get rid of things and make room for the other things one actually enjoys having around. Other than that the day will be spent on Hubspot’s Inbound Marketing Certification page, in Lightroom, and in the Photoshop. I roam around in my digital rooms learning, exploring, like Carl Von Linné himself did in the landscapes of the world to get his head around all there is to know.


BRB, I’m off to find that inner peace again, and throw some unnecessary thoughts while I’m in cleaning mode.

High in spirit

Back in my room, staring at the rain pouring rigorously, landing softly onto the newly sprung apples. 

What a change of environment and surroundings can do to one’s soul. With high spirits, tanned skin and sun in our eyes we landed here in Sweden. With us brought we the tingling knowledge of that 4 hours from Stockholm, the sun is constantly shining, the cicadas always serenading and the earth frantically burning.

At 5.45 this morning I awoke to break my fast and then headed out on a run before the flight. Same as yesterday. Those morning runs combined with swims in the Mediterranean, 2 hour walks in the terrain and loads of writing and reading – magical! But back to the runs. Running on roads whom lick the mountainside with an astonishing view over THE ocean, the ocean which holds many of my sweetest childhood vacation memories, that sensation along with burning feet, sweat and cute elderly men on their morning walks will fuel me till’ winter comes.


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Mallorca Madness Delirium

2.45 Monday morning I got up. 2h before that I went to sleep… The flight to Mallorca was spent sleepless and therefore I spent the whole of Monday in a sleepy-haze. It was totally worth it though, considering the reason for my late bed-time was a 3h walk through the Park with Sonji. We couldn’t stop talking and we covered everything from sexuality to the purpose of life, to armpit-hair.

Touchdown Palma de Mallorca – what happens? Period from hell arrives, two weeks early and out of the blue. Therefore I’ve now spent two days in period-depression, to my parents bliss.

Now I’m feeling like myself again, kind of. Too much sun combined with intervals + a glass of strong red wine left me with a heatstroke. Woke up in the middle of the night feeling like as if the entire Mediterranean was sitting on top of my head. Headed to the bathroom, turned on the lights, and found a cockroach/centipede in panic. He twirled around and hid underneath the carpet. In my state of delirium I could not understand if I was hallucinating or if it actually was underneath the carpet. I still don’t know. Mr. Centipede has not been seen since. 

Despite dad’s and mine heatstroke we headed out for a 2h hike today. It was awesome, got that “hike-for-your-life” feeling, where one simply can’t stop walking. Therapy of sorts. Just letting the mind go fluctuating into nothingness.

Where we are spending our days:

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Dad ate snails and rabbit. Surprisingly good!

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Banana Cocolate

Sweet baby Jesus, as my good Italian friend would have exclaimed if she ever got to taste what I am about to show you:

bananacc banancSay what? What is that?! It looks amazing! Easy, easy, I’ll let you know:


  • Peel a banana, put it in the freezer
  • Take it out. Mix it in a machine, till’ it is icecreamy.
  • Add: Vanilla powder/cinnamon/cardamom – WHATEVER you like, as long as you think it’s yum.
  • Put it back into the freezer

Crunchy Coconut

  • Coconut – as much as you like, you can save it for later.
  • Cinnamon
  • Coconutoil
  • Some sweetener of choice – agave/maple syrup (the kind kind)/honey

Fry it all in the saucepan until tanned and crunchy. Put it into a small bowl and smear it out on the sides of the bowl, as well as on the bottom. Just make sure the coconut flakes stick together, like true homies, you don’t want no coconut-free holes in the bowl. Why? Because when you now put it in the refrigerator, these darlings will sticky and attach to each other which create big flakes of coconut which you can decorate you creation with. (I FAILED WITH THIS, I think it is due to the maple syrup. Honey is better as glue).

Chocolate (done whilst the coconut is getting its’ ass fried)

  • Coconut oil (as much as you like)
  • Cocoa
  • Honey/maple syrup/agave

Mix it all, bring out the nana ice-cream, pour the chocolate over it. Put it into the freezer for a while (depending on how hard you like it). Bring it out and pour the coconut-flakes on top.

Voilá! Banana Cocolate for ya’! 

Free from: gluten, lactose, refined sugar, animal products 

You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that.
– Bianca Sparacino

22 hours and strange manboys

If sleep was unnecessary the days would be very, very, long. I woke up at 7 yesterday and fell asleep 5.30 the next morning. Bought a normal zoom lens EF 24-105mm after work and played around with my camera. I am beyond ecstatic. I mean the quality of the films and photos leaves me with infinite possibilities. Gadgetgasm I believe it is called…

I worked out, photographed some more, read my book, then went to Thompa around 9pm. We headed for a club, Södra Teatern, but the queue measured way beyond are patience and so we went to Debaser Slussen instead. There I met Anna with Co. We danced to some catchy older tunes and caught up on each other’s lives. After a while our legs took us to Musikaliska. It was my first time there and it was too little dancing going on for my taste but the venue encouraged meeting and talking to new people which is always interesting! At 3 the club called it a night. Anna tried to convince a couple of French, “IM SWISS!!!”, he said, pardon me, a couple of Swiss guys to let us ride in their cab without success.

Headed to Annas apt where we ate a little and pulled out my mattress. But in my drunk, tired-state of mind I decided to go home instead.

At the bus-station three guys came and stood by me. One of them said “She’s like one of the hottest I’ve ever seen” his friend (who had a blonde tail on high heels next to him) said “hah, no it isn’t”, “ehm yes…” he replied. And I stood there like what, a mannequin doll? Without ears? Come on guys, don’t talk about women/humans like as if they are not there. I can’t even imagine me and my friends doing that. We would probably start talking to the hot guy immediately instead, not talking over his head. He then started talking to me, sure, but I had no interest in being polite, and so I was seemingly stand-offish which he, of course, thought was weird, that I did not pay any more attention to him?! Oh my God! How dare she not?! I got on the bus and the three guys walked by, and the one with the blonde tail (his love-interest for the night), smashed his fist on the window where I sat. I have no explanation for his behavior. Is it really that tough for some men when a lady doesn’t pay attention to them? That they have to act like three year olds? I don’t have any other explanation for his manners… Jeez.


I am speechless.

Canon EOS 6D


It captures everything the way I see it. I am amazed. I did not even know, until today, that cameras could be this amazing?!

It’s almost like I don’t dare touch it because every time I scroll through the photos I am hit by an immense rush of “too-good-to-be-true”-feeling.


In honour of my CANON EOS 400D – a photography memoir

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CANON EOS 6D – Stepping up my game

You heard me, I invested in a new camera. Expensive as…but I figured that for me to amp up my photography-game it was time to put my old loyal friend to the side, Canon EOS 400D. This is my first fullformat camera and I am beyond excited to start taking photos with it. Unfortunately my EF-S lens does not fit the 6D and so now I have to buy a new lens, which is OK since my current one has lost it’s AF (autofocus) manners…



Not only can I shoot brilliant photos, but FILM as well! This means I’ll start experimenting with some of my film-ideas. My gadget-freak-me is cheering out of joy, not necessarily because it’s a new camera but because of all the opportunities it comes with. My creativity can now reach new heights.

Get Raw – Liquorice

BEHOLD fellow whole food-lovers. The bomb of the bombs of bars is:



It is oily, moist and has that strong tang to it. Yummey!

You’ll find it in Sweden at Coop Extra, apotea.se, bodystore.se

Series: RECTIFY, season 1


Daniel (Aden Young) spends 19 years on death row, sentenced to die after supposedly murdering a 16 year old girl. He his released thanks to new technique – DNA-samples – and we get to follow him through his following days as a released convict in a small town.

Daniel shifts between what is real and what is not. He rarely sleeps and due to sleep-deprivation and spending 19 years in a small cell with little to none stimuli (except from books) he experiences a state of surrealism. He can’t differentiate between dreams and real life.

We follow him through the love he receives from his family, the hatred from the citizens, and the uncertainty from the cops and lawyers. He himself wanders seemingly oblivious to it all, meanwhile his family has to deal with people’s opinions, threats and unwillingness to accept that he is free.

Aden Young serves us with a spotless performance. The utter confusion his character experiences in the outside world works it ways through the screen into the viewers mind, forcing one to think of what it would be like. It’s almost as if he is a child again and explores the world from scratch, a tabula rasa.

I especially appreciate how Ray McKinnon (screenwriter) has portrayed Daniel when he tries to find himself again, which he does by going back to how he was when he was 18. He rides bikes, plays SEGA, listens to his hold music etc. Another sweet-spot is the relationship which forms between Daniel and another convict, Kerwin Whitman (Johnny Ray Gill), how they find each other on each side of the wall between them. Johnny Gill also gives an outstanding performance, a vulnerability of sorts. Where he shifts between trying to find some sort of joy in his situation and then crash into the realisation of his upcoming death.

Another aspect is the sister-brother relationship between Daniel and Amantha Holden (Abigail Spencer). She never stops fighting for him and bluntly has faith in him. Abigail Spencer, what an actress! I am baffled by how she manages to stay on the tipping point of becoming emotional at all times.

Conclusion: amazing actors, brilliant script and directed without ever feeling like it is a series, rather a long movie – thanks to the work that has been put into finding new angles, letting scenes take a lot of time and never rush to some sort of salvation.

Salty Licorice Raspberry Chocolate Pod

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I agree! The picture is useless and the style of the dessert may not be as intriguing as food can be. BUT! Don’t fret, for this is an overload of yumminess.
Swedes are known for their abnormal interest in licorice, and my family is no exception, although we prefer the salty kind.

The gate to this delicious treat opens here:

First off:

  • 15 fresh dates
    2tbs peanutbutter
    1 teaspoon of pure vanilla-“powder”
    A pinch of salt

Blend, blend, blend, until your mixer is on fire. The “pods” as I call them should be smooth as a baby’s skin. Choose small compotiers (fancy word for dessert bowls), and shape your pods the way you want to. I made square ones, so for them to look less like elk-poop.

Second on:

  • Ah here’s the delight itself:
    1,5tbs Salty licorice powder (sugarfree)
    1,5dl (circa) Coconut Oil
    3tbs agave-syrup
    3tbs cocoa

Mix it all in a frying pan on low low low temperature, only if your coconut oil is hardened, if not, mix it in whatever bowl.

When done so, pour as much of the licorice chocolate sauce you’d like on top of the pod and let it stroke it’s sides till’ it is covered. Put it in the refrigerator and eat it when the chocolate is hardened but not hard! Add the raspberries and voilá! Indulge!

BEWARE: As usual I work without recipes (I create them mihi) and don’t really know how much of the ingredients I put into my creations, so taste, add ingredients, and double-taste, and add again till’ everything tastes right in your mouth.


Lack of: sugar, gluten, lactose, animal products

A stranger’s kiss

We met outside the party. Time to go home. We spoke to you and your friend a little and then my  sister headed towards our bikes. I saw you on the dance floor earlier on and thought you were darn cute, but that was it. Two hours later you sit on my bicycle’s rack. The journey home would take an hour. I biked slowly and we talked, the way two stranger’s talk. When nothing, other than having a good time matters. When you don’t need to be afraid of showing your true self because we both know it will only be this night and then you’ll fly away to your Danish universe, and I to mine. The bike-ride took longer than expected, because my sister and her companion tended to fall, ever so often, with their bike. Every time they fell down we kept on biking and then came to a stall, and every time you kissed me. First time asking: “Can I kiss you now?”. The 2nd 3d 4th you didn’t ask again.

You begged me to follow you home but you shared room with your friend “but I’ll kick him out!”  and then “Okey, but what if I join you to your house?” “If you want to share bed with my mom, because we sleep in the same bed..” I replied. At that you laughed and in the bright summer night you started talking deeply about your life, the way strangers do, confide in each other, without insecurities about being judged or advised. Solely two wandering stories shared. 

How fine it is to meet a human and spend a couple of hours with it, have a good time and then go back to normal life. Simple as that.

53 years alive and 30 years of marriage

Yesterday we drove back home from Skåne. We celebrated mom the night before, for she has turned 53!

This week has been lovely. No fighting, no irritation, basically all smiles and love. I believe living in the same house as my parents take it’s toll on our relationship. I am a young adult and I am more eager than ever to explore my life on my own whilst my parents see me as a kid, nagging and such.  Tricky combination. Therefore it’s been awesome just spending time with mom, getting to know each other again, laughing together, without all the jazz which arises when we live together at home…

Another sweet thing about our trip is that I’ve been in the now all the time. Soaking it in, the nature, the ocean, the people, the dogs, the new acquaintances. Not contemplating about anything really, not the future nor the future after that. Just, NOW.

Dad cooked a splendid dinner with fishy fish, warm butter and veggies + a classical Swedish dessert.

Mamsi in her new dress which she got from pappa :))


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Getting to know \\ A strangers blend

Those fragile moments, which seem like little eternities in themselves. When the conversation between the two of you is painstakingly nervous, both struggling to find the words, both longing to find out of the awkwardness, to find the connection you both so desperately need. 

As a bird flaps its’ wings, there it is, suddenly, flared up between you –

Something incommon. 

You smile shyly at each other and now wonder – where do we go from here? 

You both laugh and think about who will make the next move, so for the magic not to disappear. 

A scared trembling foot of one of you walks down the path, into the incommon. A daredevil of sorts. For this is risky, nothing is really at stake because no words in the world can destroy the silent connection the two of you already have, but nonetheless terrifying. 

Suddenly and out of nowhere the connection is locked. You both losen up, take risks, show more and more of yourselves. Hoping, wishing, thinking “please, like me anyway, no matter what I say”. 

Heavenly Layers – Perfect Cake Combo

For Godmother’s b-day, I came up with quite the cake! Let’s get to it:

Cake cake2 ckkLooks tasty?! Here’s how you create it:

1st layer: banana pancake: 1 egg 1 banana, cinnamon. Mix and fry!

2nd layer:

Coconut flakes (the small ones)
Honey or Agave Syrup
Coconut Oil
Mix about 200g cocos with all the ingredients in a frying pan till’ you have the perfect brown surface. Use quite an amount of sweetener, if you use too little the cocos won’t glue together. Bring forth oven paper or aluminium foil and place it over a plate – gives you a smooth surface to smear out the cocos on. Make sure it is an even layer. Put it in the refrigerator!

3rd layer: Banana pancake! Same routine as above.

4th layer:
200g Frozen raspberries
Pure vanilla (I use a small can with vanilla from the vanilla pod, minus the pods!)
1dl Coconut milk
Water – 1tbs
Blend it
Pour it into a small bowl and put it into the freezer.

On top:
1dl Coconut Oil
2-4tbs Cocoa (Depends on how strong you want it to be, taste it and you’ll know!)
Agave syrup – taste after demand
Mix it all together, if the coconut oil is hardened, blend it all in a frying pan on low heat.
Put aluminium foil over a plate and pour it out. Put into the freezer.

Choose a server of your likings. Bring out the coconut mix, and without crashing it, lift or slide it gently onto the plate. Then smear out the half-frozen raspberry mix onto it. See if the top-layer has hardened enough and then put it onto the frozen yoghurt.
Top it off with big coconut flakes!

ENJOY 😀 This is a made-up recipe and therefore I don’t know the exact amounts of ingredients used, use your cooking skills to determine when you think all layers taste good and then naturally, the cake will be good!

Free from: gluten, lactose, sugar, animal products (- honey)

Gold – azurblue – sun&run

I dive into the water, everything quiet, tiny innocent jellyfishes stroking my body. I pick one up, look at it’s strange lump of a body and sends it back into the wild ocean. I run on the beach in my bikini, fall down into the stinking algae, scrape my knee, get back up and do cartwheels. Falsterbo is Mini-Greece for me, a brilliant place in Sweden where the summer is longer and day’s warmer.

The forest, long white beaches and the ocean are paradise on earth for me. I feel at such peace there. Caressed by natures gentle embrace. Can’t wait to go to Mallorca with mom and dad in a week to run, swim with the fishes and photograph everything beautiful.

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Days filled with fun, summer-time!

These last couple of days have been jam-packed with truly fun and heart-warming happenings. Friends en masse, laughter, sun and fun! To remember it all…photobomb:

Started out with a fun night with a lady who has been home-bound for the last 2 years because she has gotten a tiny lil’ smiling cutiepie – a son that is. So we headed out for a wild night out. Ended up with her taking balloons from TGIF and jamming them into, first the subway and then the cab and all the way home. HAHA. It was hilarious to see people’s reactions. One guy took a balloon and sucked all the helium in and then we lost him….


Then it was work “week” Louise and I worked Mon, Tues + Wednesday and then on Thursday we had a sweet as sugar day by the pool…. aaaah. It felt like we were teleported to a luxury resort. Perks of having great neighbors 😀

Later that day I met with two of my darlings and spent the night chatting about everything and nothing and all in-between. T’was necessary for, me at least, to have a night of simply talking. Friends are the best sort of happy-pills.



Moving on to Jamie’s parents new house. #jawdrop What a stunner. AMAZING. We had the loveliest of nights, all us friends + new friends. We caught up and realized we were all rather grown up one way or the other. I notice it especially in the conversations and in the mutual respect everyone treat each other with. None of that teenage-drama nonsense. I wanted to stay on that balcony forever. The night was beautiful, low voices talking on the balcony mixed with high pitch dancing from the inside, craziness combined with abundance of love from all corners.

IMG_5874 IMG_5800 IMG_5814 IMG_5757 IMG_5840 IMG_5837 IMG_5858 IMG_5915Next morning 10.15: Josie wakes up. In fifteen minutes she’s supposed to be at a volleyball tournament…. Hungover and headachy… Got there and was everything but the best player in the team so to speak…We lost two, won one, but we scored 11-14 against the best team so we were pretty pleased, me and my team-mates. We were about 60 people, hamburgers were served and volleyballs too. Great day simply! Got home, slept and then off to next adventure which was a fiesta in the suburb. It was pleasant and fun. Got home about 2 and started packing for Skåne! And here I am now, all tired and content after a day of sun, swim, mucho working out and a tasty dinner.


Holy Summer

Woke up, broke the fast, walked the dog, worked out, went to the beach, and now awaiting Loui Loui cuz we gonna chill by the pool 😎

My boss told me that a person who talks about the weather is completely uninteresting, so let me be that person:

THE WEATHER IS AMAZING!!!! And all I want to do is fish and monkey around.

Smell ya later. Literally, can’t remember the last time I was sweating from a 2 min bike-ride? Feels like I’ve been in a cave for 8 months in complete darkness, oh wait, I have. 😐

A summer-tips for the homebound

I’m spending my summer in Stockholm, unless I grab my pick & pack and go somewhere. Anyhow, you know when you go to a new city and everything is fresh, new, enticing and fun?

Well, I find myself, more often than seldom, wandering the streets of my beautiful hometown without really noticing it – I mainly see beautiful boys and my route from point A to point B.

So what I like to do is to think of myself as a newcomer. I notice all tiny shops, how the streets are built, the buildings, the cafés, as if I’ve never walked these streets before! A great song for you when doing so is:

Watermelon – Tom Rosenthal

Puts you in a curious random mode!

Snippets from my New York adventure:

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Everyone who’s not in Sweden right now is missing out. I hope you suffer so hard from FOMO that you immediately book a ticket, get your ass over here and in the mean time boost our economy a little 😉


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Late bright nights, warm days, hungry eyes, smiling faces, sun-warm skin, people on the streets, lush nature – all in the colors of green, red, yellow & gold.

Ah summer. How good you are.

Tom Rosenthal – Go Solo

You know some songs which simply connects to every neuron in your brain?

Last time this happened it was Take Me To Church, I was laying in my bed searching Spotify for songs, in the winter darkness, and there it was. It clicked with my brain.

Yesterday it happened again, with Go Solo – Tom Rosenthal. During my intervals last night, I listened to it, and fell down next to a tree and burst into tears. A young boy walked past me and probably thought I was taking a pee… Note to self: Have mental breakdowns in your house, but then again, the forest is so comforting…

Sometimes it’s necessary I guess, to just cry and feel everything intensely. Because even though it makes one feel like shit at the time, it usually turns around a couple of days after and suddenly happiness is the only emotion I know, and ever knew I had.

My song of summer 2015, and it speaks to me on a very deep level, considering I’m entering a new chapter of my life this autumn . Here is the very long version:


Romanticize the absent mind

Summer. Has. Arrived. IIIIIIIIIIIHHHH!

That was my summer-scream. Began this day with a 45 minute walk with my dog. I stopped by a cliff and did some stretch/yoga-movements, stared out over the open water, sun touching my bed-swollen face, thinking: this day will be tremendous.

For 45 minutes I was nowhere in my mind, I was out in the open, still sleep-dazed and I was struck by how meditation, or simply walking, running, without being aware of one’s mind and thoughts is like a happy-pill.  A place where “worries” can’t enter. A place that can join me throughout the day and that I can re-enter whenever I want to.

People, go get that peace of mind. It will become your new lover.

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Love and war all at once

And as Obama legalized same-sex marriage in all states, 3 terrorattacks happened in different ends of the world.

At the same time in Stockholm: Josie and her friend Elsa strolled around in Stockholm, touristing, smiling at each other, thinking this day is great, seemingly unbeknownst to what’s happening around the globe. I find it easy to feel ashamed or rather in disbelief of my own happiness. How safe we are here and how blissful life at our end is. Later that night in a cab, riding through Stureplan, the muslim driver states “100% against it”. He meant same-sex marriage. It took a lot from all of us in the cab to even try and grasp the fact that his religion clouds his thoughts of what humans are, and what love is, and how religion can shape your thoughts without the need of thinking for yourself.

Later at the night-club we danced, laughed, went ballistic over good songs, and stalled our dancing when bad songs flooded our ears.

I suppose life is all this, small, big, black, white, negative, positive. How situations are not to be evaluated from how important or non-important they are but rather appreciate the small and the big and never neglect nor compare my own experiences with what could be of more “value” – worldly speaking. Simply treasure all situations and happenings.

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Supposedly the brightest of days

Midsummer was awesome. New humans mixed with many old friends, steady intake of Snaps, dance, weird frog-dance around a tree, deep conversations and less such.

Snippets from the day:

My beautiful boss-ass human

beck eee f ff fll fr ssss

Restless brain

I’m yearning for adventure, new humans, old friends, laughter, adrenaline-kicks, the ocean, fast runs, sun, sunsets, sunrise, tanned soft skin, kisses, flirts, all smiles, summer-rain, hot weather, become short of breath because of someone, make someone short of breath because of me, breathe the air of the mountains, skinny-dip in mountain lakes and just scream and laugh and live because I can!

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Yesterday Grandma surrendered to the immense relief which is death.

The whole of our family was packed up in the car, ready to travel the 7 hours to say our last farewells. After 10 minutes in the car father’s brother called and said she was gone. Dad repeated “I should have gone earlier, I should have gone earlier”.

We travelled the 7 hours and walked into the room filled with death. Seeing a dead person is intense, surreal and bloody weird at the same time. I constantly thought I saw her ribcage move up and down because normal for humans is to breathe. But she wasn’t. Her hands clasped the purple flowers and her eyes looked not in peace, as I thought they would, but she looked like she was in agony.

I believe in biocentrism and know now that she is out floating somewhere, perhaps to nest in another body. But still, a body without a soul is merely a shell and it is so obvious to me that it is not grandma who is laying there, but it’s solely her body, grandma as I knew her had left. Perhaps to dance in the green woods of the North, collect spider-webs and weave beautiful carpets.

Under the influence of Martin Amis

Just finished reading The Rachel Papers by Martin Amis. Can’t help but finding myself feeling like I have the mindset of a nineteen year old boy, quite an intellectual one though, so I don’t mind really. What I am struck by is how intricate and well-performed Amis’s way of describing thoughts is. The recognition factor is high and it occurs to me that one year of “adulthood” may not make me less of a teenager, or perhaps my memories from that time cling to me like cum to condom (as Martin Amis would have written, because I never would… right?).

This piece is particularly amusing and intriguing. Here Charles is contemplating over adolescence after he has just been turned down by, well, Rachel, and he is feeling flustered. “Intense Consciousness of Being” as described by Amis has never been delivered better, I believe, or it must be so for that feeling that I usually call “feeling alien” is on point in this section of lines:

“Don’t I ever do anything else but take soulful walks down the Bayswater Road, I thought, as I walked soulfully down the Bayswater Road. Very well: “..” Intense Consciousness of Being; pathetic fallacy plus omnipresent dog vú, cosmic angst, metaphysical fear, a feeling both claustrophobic and agoraphobic, the teenager’s religion. The Rev. Northrop Frye fetchingly terms it ‘queasy apocalyptic foreboding’. An Angus Wilson character terms it ‘adolescent egotism’, thereby driving me almost to suicide last Christmas. Is that all it fucking is, I thought. For the question that interested me about this feeling was not ‘What is it?’ so much as ‘Does it matter? Is it worth anything?’ Because if there isn’t a grain of genuine humility there, it’s the electrodes for me. Does it simply get weaker and weaker, like one’s sense of uniqueness? Or do some of us hang on to it?”

My enormous fondness for Donna Tartt is based mainly on her expertise in letting the reader into someone else’s mind, wholly and fully. Amis does the same thing with Charles and sometimes I couldn’t make head nor tail of it…and it occurs to me now that… yeeeees of course that is how it is! Hah! See the point of me feeling so confused after this book is because that is the mind of a teenager! It goes up and down, here and there in that Charles-brain. Or perhaps I’m simply a dumbfounded human who has not understood this book at all? No, I prefer the former rather than the latter.

Oh Amis, you genius.

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