Sweltering heat, Warmer humans

Last Sunday we got on the plane from Accra to Tamale Airport. I got the strange sensation of that Camilla and I were wildlings and we were about to conquer the north, behind the wall. Because it is a wall,  it seperates  the “rich and the rich poverty” of Accra from extreme poverty in the northern parts of Ghana.

We embarked on  a plane with AWA (Africa World Airlines), who’s tagline is:

“Touching Africa. Touching the World!!” Exactly like that, and I find those two!! exclamation marks to be hilarious.

We were lucky enough to get a cab with air condition, that made the one and a  half hour ride a pure bliss. My first impression of the north was all the police stops, men in uniforms with guns, the bargaining over toll and the young ladies running up to cars, attempting to sell their groceries. We bought three eggs.

My tummy was filled with butterflies, and when Camilla said: “Behind this hill is Karimenga!” they all flew out – finally we had arrived.

We arrived just before the sun set and when the cab drove into the village we were greeted by most of the villagers. It warmed my heart to see Camilla freakishly happy and to see how happy they were to see her. Her second family.

I was introduced to everyone, met the baba of the village, met Joshua (Cam’s friend and colleague) whom I have heard so much about, met the mama of our compound and was invited in to the room where we would sleep, in the building that Cam and the other’s have built.

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I was baffled. Firstly because, never ever have I lived in that environment,  secondly  I could not grasp how Cam has spent over a year in the village in total. That all made sense the day after the sweatiest night of my life (sleeping under a tin roof in 43 degrees C is not to be recommended) and I saw her walking elegantly through the village as naturally as if it was her home, talking in FraFra with everyone she saw.

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Joshua reading in Swedish from the snus. 

Needless to say, even though it is poor, the people are rich. I got the opportunity to jump into relationships that Cam has built with everyone under several years, and I got to listen to conversations and thoughts that I never would have been getting to partake in if it was not for Camilla and her ability to connect with whomever, whenever. They discussed death, love, conflicts, relationships, all those universal human factors that make us all able to converse and connect.

That first night they celebrated the baptising of a child, hence they played loud music and danced, unfortunately it was abruptly cut off because a woman in her forties died that same night. Death and life, all at once. Death gets very close there, they dig the graves themselves and bury the bodies in the village.

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Camilla in her room, after dinner and before bedtime. 

Coming to Karimenga was a first-hand experience of the circle of life, in a manner that I’ve never had the privilege to see before. The community is built on relationships, trust, hard work, helping hands, love and a team-work out of this world. I am in awe by how hard they work, out in the fields in 45 degrees, and not one complaint.

Those were my first impressions, but not even all of them, and tomorrow I’ll write the continuation.

 

Thunder outside, thunder within

It’s twenty-seven degrees in my room, but I am freezing. My body is laying flat in bed and my eyes are forcing me to keep them shut, they are not ready for a new day. I fall into some sort of half-ass sleep where I enter dreamland. I dream of all the experiences I’ve had the last couple of days and all my thoughts become vivid imagery. I see the ones I hold dear in Sweden, they have come to Ghana and we are all living here in Accra. I believe this dream is a creature of fear. The fear of loosing my loved ones, a fear that always strikes me when I am leaving for a new adventure. Whenever I leave my comfort zone and head into the unknown the realization of how fragile life is always dawns on me.

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I am yanked out of sleep by a massive thunderstorm, it feels as if my bed is shaking and I am comforted by the intensity, the power it holds and the way it makes me feel insignificant, like the mountains tend to do, as if all my thoughts and my being is nothing, compared to the wild, wild nature. Straight after the rumbling, Chloé, a four month old labrador puppy starts screaming. Maybe she is frightened out there in her little box. I feel the urge to go out and pick her up, but that would be nothing but a bad favor with good intentions, she will live here for the rest of her life and has to learn the hard way.

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The first day in Ghana I was a little knot of anxiety, as always when I am somewhere new, the first day is a blurr of what I left behind and what is to come. Philippe took us out to a restaurant called Republic and we were thrown into the Ghanaian life in Accra, a big bustling, hustling crazy environment with a strong sensation of life that I seldom see in Sweden. The ball of anxiety was a bit different this time, I had been in a bubble of getting to know someone special back home for several weeks and being thrown out of that exhillirating, frightening delight, was something new for me. The day before leaving I bid on an apartment and signed a sheet that would allow my father to continue bidding when I was on the plane. I played with the thought of actually winning the bidding when we were up in the air and it felt too unreal, at the same time my gut-feeling told me I would. As inklings of the gut have it, I turned on my phone when we arrived at Philippe’s, and there it was, the message from my father saying that ”You have an apartment! Congratulations!”. My thoughts were spinning faster and faster and the surrealism of the situation was no where near graspable. Here I was in Ghana, a completely new country, for me, in Africa, with a wild fiery friend named Camilla, and back home I had just gotten an apartment on my dream-location in Stockholm. Add the weird sensation of still having someone else’s soft lips on my mine, as if I could still feel his smell and touch, my mind kind of exploded into, yeah, what? Overload?

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These past couple of days we have been by the pool, been at a skybar at Villaggio, been to a nightclub where someone stole my cool Jack Daniel’s T-shirt that I bought in the bar (it was black and gold), and yesteerday we hung out at a beautiful hotel and we saw the ocean!  A polluted ocean but still, how good did that wind from the sea feel on my face?

Whiskey & Cards, Wine & Kisses

Out of nowhere a charming human, with eyes as blue as the sea, with tattooed biceps and the giggliest laughter ever heard, entered my life.The past couple of days we’ve taken vacation from our chores and spent time together.

I believe that when crushing – give it all the time it needs because it is a rare thing to fall and one better cherish it… Also, I am going to Ghana tomorrow for two weeks and so we felt we had to take our time to find time.

Two couples have gotten the urge to kiss each other when they’ve seen us kiss on the streets. One elderly couple found us all cuddled up on the train and they both said:

“AH! The spring-love is blossoming!” The man added:

“It even makes ME stimulated, here – GIVE ME A KISS!” And so he kissed his wife.

I believe that is the epitome of “spreading the love” ;).

IMG_0080.JPGYesterday we ate breakfast outside, sunbathed on the veranda and played tennis in the garden. We have played our own singing game and listened to music almost every second. My lips are red from all our kisses and my skin is soft from comfort and safety.

Tomorrow is a long sought after adventure coming up, although, these last four weeks have been an adventure in itself.

La Famiglia en Italia

Just arrived home from Arabba, Italy. One week with splendid weather, great skiing, shit tonnes of food, a lot of red wine, family and extended family.

I’ve shared a room with my siblings and it’s been a treat to reconnect a little. Because even though we’ve grown up together and know each other on a deep level, we seldom spend more than a couple of hours in a row together when we meet. Now we’ve caught up on our differences, our similarities, our new learnings and our changes!

Some negatives from this trip – I have blisters all around my mouth. My lens fell and crashed into million of pieces… Such an unneccessary expense.

Some snippets from our hotel: 

I asked dad to go all Don Corleone on me, success!

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How beautiful is mama in this photo?! IMG_7184

Planning the skiing-routes.

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The hotels piano-man. Felt like as if he was taken directly out of Piano Man the song. IMG_7187IMG_7190

The Cutest of Ladies. IMG_7198

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Gold and wood… Gah!IMG_7220IMG_7228

One night we went on a wine-tasting in this amazing vinoteche, or Wine-Library as I’d like to call it, because every bottle of wine holds a story.IMG_7262IMG_7310

The last night Sella Ronda ski-marathon happened. Felt a bit surreal when we looked out of our hotel-window and saw these little night-fairies running up a hill with the mountains as a canvas in the background. IMG_7322

Last but not least: Fabrizio, who tended to my gluten-free needs as if I were a princess and we somehow became friends without many words uttered between us. He made us laugh and hopefully I managed to give him some laughs in return…. I think this is the 7th time in my life that I get a special connection with a waiter. One time in Egypt I cried because I did not want to leave my newly-found friend.

To touch upon that, I find hotels exilhirating and sad at the same time. All these humans working there and their stories I so desperately want to find out about, knowing that I’ll only be there for a week, I feel rushed to get to know them more. I may be sentimental and overly-attached but I can’t help but get a sting in my heart knowing I might not ever get to see the people, Fabrizio for example, I connect with again. So many stories untold, at least to my ears.

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Butterflies

I’m sitting in my room with my bags packed. My family is chatting downstairs with the clatter of porcelain as background music. Tonight is the event of The Free Projects and it feels like as if we (in the team) are inviting people into our personal bubble. A bubble that hopefully will explode into happiness and excitement tonight.

It’s truly a beauitful day, the Swedish weather when it’s in its best shape, when it’s giving hunches  of the arrival of Spring, yet the air is cold as a Northern river.

I’m filled with nervousness and excitement, eager to get on with the night, to watch my friends beam with pride and plunge into a huge group-hug when all is done.

Deep inside my biggest wish,  is that many will come to the event so we can tell the kids in Ghana that they will get their school, and the opposite is my biggest worry.

Some outtakes from what we’ve been up to lately, the poster-art is created by our wonderful Frenchie Kim Bernet, this is her behance: https://www.behance.net/kimbernet

Wish us luck and pay a visit to The Free Projects

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Bargaining With Life

A lot is happening at the same time. We are working hard with The Free Projects , the event is on Saturday and we are smashing out videos, posters, invitations and what not. I love it. It’s what I’ve dreamt of for a long time, working together with close friends with almost complete creative freedom.

At the same time my family is going through something big, right at this moment.

Then when I look to my left I see Snaps laying in the sun on the big carpet in the hall. Letting his little body get warmed up by the long sought after beams. His hind-legs are not what they once have been and we believe he suffers from backpain. He’s my best friend on four legs, I have my first memories with him, and how can I possibly make a decision on   taking away the being which has played the other part of this fifteen year old love-saga?

I took him out on a walk to see how he would deal with it. He started running, surprisingly enough, but at the same time it’s not a surprise at all because he was born a trooper, he never gives up. He will never willingly surrender to death. We met two caretakers who were pushing two old  men in wheelchairs. The birds were chirping, the snow is melting and I looked at the man with his head bent back against the wheel-chair, with a purple-blue ring around his left eye, skinny as a bird, and I couldn’t help but think that this would be the last time the sun caressed his face.

I’m experiencing life and death, good and bad, sun and darkness, all at the same time and it’s never been this obvious before that there has to be balance between the two antipoles, or none of it would exist.

Mash Up of Lately

Lately I’ve been in school finishing our project for SPP. The presentation was yesterday and we kicked ass! Literally so proud of our team and what we accomplished together. All my classies were out celebrating last night but I was hungover and tired as hell from the night before and stayed in like a true retiree… You become what you think, or something 😉

I’ve also gotten to experience many fabulous mornings and family-gatherings!

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My uncle’s wife held a beautiful, teary speech when we celebrated his 50’s.

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Passive Storm

A passive storm sweeps in

Stays

Hovers

Nothing happens

Nothing feels

Unfazed by momentum

Detached from all that usually sparks

A light

In minds

No whirlwinds here

No sunlight

Solely

A passive storm

On the verge of nothing

On the edge of everything

-J

I Should Have Gone Yesterday

My brother is sitting to my left and my sister to my right. We’re in the car on our way to Östersund and it is the Summer of 2015. Our father is driving and mom is in the passengers seat. It’s like the good old days during summer when we all went on family-trips together to our paternal grandpa and grandma. We always thought the 600K journey was worth it because we knew how much we would enjoy being there. We knew we would get to swim in the ice-cold water by their pier, listen to grandpa’s mesmerizing storytelling, eat grandmas food, sleep in the basement with timber beams over her heads, read Kalle Anka till’ we fell asleep and have grandma and grandpa kiss us goodnight. 
This time it’s different. The overall mood in the car is gloomy. It’s as if we are followed by a black cloud, hovering, only above our car. See, this time it’s time for us to kiss grandma goodnight. Forever. 
I’m sitting quietly hoping we will make it in time. When death is creeping up on someone it can strike faster than expected.
I don’t have to keep my hopes up for very long because after ten minutes on the road, my fathers’ phone rings.
He picks up and I hear it’s my uncle Mats, who is with grandma. Next thing I know my father stops the car, leans over the steering wheel and repeats loudly to himself “I should have gone yesterday, I should have gone yesterday, I should have gone yesterday”. Meanwhile he utters those words his body is shaking. 
 It’s not so much my grandmother’s death that evokes feelings in me the most, because she’s been sick for a long time, but it’s the tears that come streaming down from my father’s face. My brilliant, wise, happy father, now grief-struck to his bones.
As on a queue all family members hands reach for dad. I look to my right only to see silent tears run down my sisters face and I know she feels what I feel. So I hug her, to comfort each other in our father’s pain. 
We are all hit by the realization of that this is the end of an era. Grandpa will never tell us his stories again and grandma will never share her cooking with us. And so we sit in silence and remember what was and never will be again.

 

My 2nd Commercial

“Amazing acting” “1 sec of screen-time and she simply nails it!” – Voices on Josefine’s Aftonbladet commercial.

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I hope you caught the sarcasm! This was my 2nd commerical shoot and what I can take out of my few experiences thus far is that they’re fast-paced, synchronized and incredibly thought-through during production (meaning – nothing is left to chance). That is a huge chunk of why I love acting, films and being on set – the teamwork. In my experience a functioning filmcrew is one of the most powerful teams on earth. A shoot is almost bound to fail in one way or the other and when it happens, everyone knows how to cope with it and save the day.

For example, during this shoot the other actor was delayed, because his wife went into frickin’ labour that same morning! So what did the team do? We shot all the surrounding scenes with the extras meanwhile. No rocket-science in that, but my point is that it could never have been made possible if the team isn’t flexible or on top of things.

I played a stressed-out bartender with no patience for inquisitive customers.

Life Right Now

Went to the doctor yesterday and got some hard-core asthma meds. Felt like a real junkie walking out of there with a band-aid, trembling body and a face as pale as the snow with halfmoons of purple beneath my eyes. Today is the first day in a week that I can breathe kind of properly and it’s beyond relief. I mean, my lungs are still screaming & creaking like old doors every breath I take but except from that – I’m fine. I also got a high dosage of cortison to break my fast with in the morning – yum!

So how’s life now? 

It’s exhilirating! I’m working on 3 projects, one is our main-project in school where we are transforming a pension company. I am the copywriter for another project – an app/website. And last but not least (the complete opposite, it’s HUGE) is for The Free Projects, where I am the social media manager as well as PR (if we’re mentioning roles).

We have a big fundraising event coming up the 27th of Feb at Sturecompagniet in Stockholm the 27th of Feb, come and dance with us, because “Why Not?” Link to event. 

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On top of this I’m meeting another company for a job that will actually pay me something, which is always nice. And for myself I have a commercial idea that I will film this weekend if the weather allows it (I demand sun and frosty grounds), my novel and a scriptwriting collaboration.

I can by no means be sick any longer!

Tjing!

 

Nature the Charmer

My lungs are waking me up way too early and as a result my mornings become quite eventful. Today I’ve watched a bit of When Harry Met Sally, walked, worked and written.

On the 12th of April I begin a writer’s class online, I’m beyond stoked to get to learn more and get counseled throughout my writing.

I am planning on going to NYC in spring to shoot a shortfilm with my best Italian buddy Elena. Or planning? Haha, I got the idea this morning and wrote to her immediately and she’s up for it.

Went to school yesterday after five days spent in my house and boy was that energydraining! Being short of breath is no easy life so take care of your lungs folks – Don’t Smoke. Best regards, Mom.

These past mornings I’ve been charmed to pieces by nature. I’m rewarded for my and Zampa’s early morning-walks. Is it flirting with me? I’d like to think so.

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Have a great day everyone out there in the Intersphere!

When Heaven Split in Ice & Fire

Have I told you about that morning the 29th of January when heaven separated the world in ice and fire?

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How the sun sprinkled gold over everyone who witnessed it, and made a promise to the dead grass that spring will come and you will be in full bloom again, shimmering of green. Just wait. 

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And how it almost felt as if the world was tilting because of all the beauty it was beaming from?

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Have I told you that on that same day, in the afternoon, someone put a sheet of pastel-pink silk between heaven and earth?

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How it made the birds quit singing and the dog stopped chasing them? As if they too, were astounded by how their world suddenly appeared.

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I guess I haven’t. But now you know…

 

A Snippet of Summer in Sweden

 

Sweden is dark nowadays. Therefore I decided to put together this cute little video from last summer when my dogs and I were cuddling in the garden 🙂

A Snippet of Summer in Sweden from Josefine Mattsson on Vimeo.

Souweet Drink & Raw Snickers

I know I’m not feeling well when I don’t even have the energy to think about not feeling well, nor consider a world outside my bedroom. Thanks for the Internet though ❤

My lungs are filled with slime (yeah, you’re welcome for that info), and my left lung is giving me a hard time – sending pain-signals every breath I take (every move I make, every single day, every time I pray….that one was obvious). 

Yesterday I felt better, hence had more energy, so I’d like to share two things:

  1. THE BEST DRINK EVER – SOUWEET

All you need is:

  •  Ice cold water
  • Frozen Blueberries (and raspberries if you like)
  • A lemon

Pour the blueberries into the water, squeeze the lemon and you have the most magical mix between sweet and sour – SOUWEET!

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I feel for all of you non-Scandis who can’t read Icon Magazine (in the background), because, according to me, it’s the best magazine out there. It’s the perfect mix between beautiful design, interesting reportages as well as the human feel to it.

2. RAW SNICKERS – Your tastebuds shall die and go to heaven after this

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How to do the base

  • 10-12 fresh Medjool Dates 
  • 2 tablespoons of Lacuma-Powder (optional, it adds some fruity sweetness to it)
  • 1dl of Pecans 
  • A touch of Pure Vanilla Powder (optional)

Mix it up in a blender till it’s doughy. Then add 3dl of salted peanuts, blend a little so that they break, but don’t make them dissolve into the dough. Press the mixture out on baking paper in a rather slim container, you want the height of the snickers. Put into the freezer.

How to do the chocolate layer 

  • 4 tablespoons of Coconut Oil 
  • 4 tablespoons of Agave Syrup 
  • 3 tabespoons of Cocoa 
  • A pinch of Salt

Melt the cocount oil in a waterbath together with the other ingredients. Take it out when it’s smooth.

Bring out the base from the freezer and pour the chocolate on top. It’s preferable to let the base get really cold, that way the chocolate will freeze immediately on top and not become absorbed by the base-layer.

Tuck it into the freezer till’ the chocolate has frozen and then:

DEVOUR! 

Free from: gluten, lactose, refined sugar

 

Teenage Misconception

Her mama questions her

“What you need that for?”

“Your skin is perfect”

Another teenage-exploration mama thinks to herself.

Daughter, seemingly ashamed, takes the facial scrub into the bathroom

Dabs her face wet

Looks at her dry skin

Applies the scrub

And scrubs

Scrubs

And she scrubs

Skin falls down into the sink

Scrubs, harder

It doesn’t disappear

Scrubs

Blood splatter on white porcelain

Like a bleeding swan

Tears up

Scrubs

She panics

How can it not disappear?!

Scrubs ferociously 

Tears, blood, skin, chemicals blended into a devil’s stew

Scrubs

Scrubs 

Scrubs

Stops.

Looks at herself in the mirror

The realization hits her harder than anything she’s ever experienced

It won’t disappear

The fat is still there.

She whispers

“I’ll be fat forever”

Scorch & Burn

I am scorching hot

I leave burn marks on his skin

Or at least he says so

I can’t see any

He touches me everywhere,

literally everywhere

It’s a tingling sensation

This

It fills me with self-esteem

I realize he does not want to be close

At times

He wants to remain close

Forever

I’ve scorched him

with me

And as his hand burns over my breast

My insecurities burn with it

Together

We ignite

 

A Weekend of Variation

My phone is overloaded with messages from Slack, my routines are back in the game, so are my workouts, I’m back with a brilliant team – I’m back in the Hyper bubble, to say the least.

Last weekend began with a surprise party for Anna. It’s almost impossible to lie to her, and even more difficult to fool her – she has her social tentacles out at all times. We all hid in her apartment and B (her bf) had arranged everything so beautifully – and when she entered the apartment with another friend we blew our little honks (don’t know the word for them) and we succeeded with surprising her – kind of…

 

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After that I ventured to Hornstull and partied with people from school till’ the sun rose (just kidding it never does in Sweden). Pavel (the Real Russian) and I (the wannabe-Russian) posed in our Russian hats.

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Sonja found a snailhat. Haha. Don’t ask.

Funny anecdote from the night: I was heading down the stairs to go out on a walk, but my foot bent on the first step and I found myself falling down the stairs in slowotion (stone-stairs). With my left arm clingin on the handrail and my left leg spread eagle against the wall. Managed to keep my head up as I slid down the stairs backwards in slowmotion…

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Spent the night with these two, I’m their constant third-wheel. Around 2pm we headed to Lily’s burger and devoured them burgers like we had never seen food before. We had some proper hungover discussions – ranging from high to low.

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The rest of the weekend consisted of family-dinner + guests and Sunday was spent doing… yeah what? I don’t remember actually. The train leaves in 30 minutes so I better get going.

Au revoir!

Human; Deactivated

Someone pressed the OFF-button on me this week. I’ve been malfunctioning deep under my duvet. It started Monday, straight after we had gotten our teams for X-program. I was short of breath, not present and everytime I stood up my world was on the verge of becoming pitch black – something I smoothly avoided and kept on acting as normal. My energy level has been below zero. Made a brave attempt at going to school yesterday but I fell asleep during lunch and spent the afternoon in a haze. But guess what!? Today I’m singing again and tomorrow it’s time for a doctor-visit to run some tests.

During this time I’ve been devouring a lot of tidbits from the world wide web, presented below: 

Words to Emotions and it felt, as I am sure many feel, that some of these words describe a huge part of what I experience in life on a daily basis. Especially this word (I do this as soon as I am alone, except I play it out into the open hehe): 

  1. Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.
  • https://www.writerduet.com/home  A home for writers, where you can be multiple people writing the same script. Something like github but for writers.
  • Amazon Studios Here you can send in your script to Amazon Studios and hope it will get picked up by, I don’t know, HBO?
  • I’ve started listening to Leon Else. River full of Liquor  He mainly sings about all the girls he has fucked, that he is not feeling well mentally and that he is using all sorts of enhancers. Haha and that appeals to me :))))  His sound is neat and his singing is quite advanced as he shows in “Messed Up”.

 

That was that. Au revoir.

 

**Busy**Uploading life to social media**

I believe it’s not a matter of time and place

But about how we let us chase and be chased

By time,

By love,

By the worries of our child inside,

To experience wonder

– nowadays we demand thunder

It’s not enough with a train ride to the forest

It’s the urge to feel enticed,

Baffled,

Intrigued,

In awe,

Tricked,

All at once or it does not count

Where is the magic in the tiny moments?

Or, foremost, the ability to grasp them?

Have we all become major-moment-junkies?

We share snippets of filtered happenings to strangers

But seldom store them in oneself

– to share with loved ones around the dinner-table

The constant chase for something bigger & better

Leaves us missing life as it passes by

Crisp Colors

I guess I could write something melodramatic, with a touch of poetry, about how beautiful this afternoon was and how the crisp colors of nature made fireworks in my mind. BUT, instead I’ll let you see for yourself.

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An Artsy Interlude

For my birthday I got a visit to Artipelag, which is, as you might have figured out, art in the archipelago – outside of Stockholm. 

A huge venue initiated by the founders of Baby Björn. 

The light which shot through the enormous panorama windows was magical, as you can see here: 

   
    
 I am like a crow – thunderbolting towards everything shimmering in gold. 

   
Raspberry red and gold. Gah. Perfection overload in my head. 

After a delightful brunch (how pretentious of me) we headed to a Cirkus Cirkör show called Underart. A show full of trippy elements and mind-boggling acrobatics (couldn’t wait to get home and cart-wheel/handstand/headstand my butt off). 

Thank you mama and papa! 

Winter Magic- We Saw a Halo

We celebrated mini-christmas in Jämtland – my paradise on earth. On our way back home we witnessed an otherworldly phenomenon: a halo. My father was clever enough to realize the strange rainbow in -17 degrees would become a halo and I was stubborn enough to force him to come to a stop.

Two of the other photos are with me and the elkhounds. Believe me when I say that using hunting elkhounds for a photoshoot is NOT a good idea. Rowdy creatures, albeit loveable!

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Swedish Melancholy at its Finest

 
A couple of weeks back my world was terribly, hauntingly grey. 

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I found the little color there was to find.

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Capable or Incapabale of Creating Without Fearing

I wake up too late, between 9 and 10 every day. Apparently I’m turning off the alarm whilst sleeping. I try not to get anxious and tell myself my body and soul needs it.

It’s the first time in five months that I have days when I can do whatever I want and it makes me paralyzed, many thoughts, many ideas, many hours, but where to begin? And what to focus on? Four days have gone by and I have not done a single productive thing, and although it makes me a tad worried (who am I? Why don’t I just do the things I want to do? Everyone else does), I know that in these moments of nothingness, a ‘something’ usually appears.

It happened last night, after I had finished the last episode of the Affair, I got to thinking about loneliness, and my thoughts started spinning and all of a sudden I had a fully-fleshed movie script in my head.

A couple of nights before that, I was tossing and turning in bed, “I AM 22!!!”, those words hit me. For the first time in my life I felt as if I was lagging behind in life. I’ve always been on top of things, gone out on adventures, and paid a lot of money to venture out on them because I knew it would be worth the experience and lessons learned…And now I find myself discouraged and unable, have I lost my bravery? Or am I simply swinging on the swing of school-life?

I discussed with a friend yesterday how the ideal scenario for us would be to have a start-up idea and go for it, during our internship months. Imagine a couple of good friends building something they burn for together. On top of that – it can be done wherever on earth and hence generate a lot of experiences. 

Now, sitting by the kitchen-table, a sense of a much needed calm has surged in over my being, and I feel able, I feel stabile, and most importantly, I don’t fear creating. Hence I’m writing this blogpost.

Chic Peas Dressed in Coconut Milk

Apparently I live in an oasis of contradictions. I got home after having bought my last christmas gifts and was met by a big fat piece of pig, all greased up with mustard and spices, lying on the sink. I on the other hand was on a mission – I was about to cook my first vegan-dish, inspired by my friend Christophé.

I made a randomized recipe because that’s how I roll, so I can’t give you the exact details of what’s in it but since I put the effort in and edited my attempt at a “food-stilleben”, I hope you can at least power through and read the recipe. It tasted beautifully.

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230g of chickpeas

Coconutmilk

Carrots

Zucchini

Garlic

1 Red onion

Cayenne pepper (LOADS!!!)

Tumeric

Salt & P

Served with brown rice. 

And just like that…

… one semester at Hyper Island has gone by.

Our christmas goodbye was extremely cozy. We checked in with “Strangest christmas tradition” and it was wonderful to get a tiny snippet insight into everyone’s lives. We drew a huge tree on the floor that we got to dress with candles and little notes declaring “My biggest insight”, “What I am the most proud of” and “What I want to develop”.

Right after that Secret Santa came! I, as well as Robin, got some kick-ass glasses (thanks Saba) and Robin and I looked like we sat front row Balmain SS16.

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It feels strange to have time, time to think, to reflect and not having to go up on Monday to go to school. It is very welcome though.

Last night I met up with some classies at Sturecompagniet to listen to Hank who played drums in his coverband. The night moved us on to Bishop’s arms, Dovas and finally Hornhuset – that we did not enter. IMG_8474.JPG

Hank sprinkled glitter on all of us =)

The night ended at 3 and now it’s time for a walk with Elsa.

Shimmery shining doom

“Maybe” I told him “- it’s midwinter now, hopefully the frosty glitter on the freezing trees will last until January.”

“Have you seen the way it sparkles at night? How the glitter plays in the light from the lampposts?” He did not answer. “Hello?”

“Yes, yes I have seen it, a long time ago.”

“But don’t you want to see it again?”

“It’s already fading. The temperature will rise and everything will melt, fall to the ground and be sucked up by the trees and the leaves again.”

His monologue started in adagio and continued in presto, his words, pumping out of him, harder and harder.

“And the glitter will never last until January, don’t you see it?! The glitter never lasts. It does not matter how much we try, the glitter will never last. It will melt and so will we or at least everything that was ever us. And when it happens we will be lost and sucked up by the memories we created together – “ he paused, to look at me.

“You’re not talking about shimmering trees any longer.”

He looked guilty, and when he spoke again his tone was soft, as if he tried to sooth me before I even knew I had to be soothed.

“We can’t go on like this. The magic, or the glitter, or whatever you want to call it, is lost. We’ve lost it.”

He walked up and put his hands on my cheeks, kissing me, and those lips, those lips sparked memories from our three years together. Right there and then I was cut off, laying bleeding on the floor, torn apart from the only world I knew. A world I was not welcome in any longer.

When January came I saw he was right, my tears were the only things glittering in the light.  

 

Last hour of a 21 year old

There it goes, this life of mine. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour and all of a sudden another year has passed and in that realization is nothing more but the now.

This year I’ve been treated with many new humans in my life, experiences – both physical and mental, I’ve lost my grandma, and I have ventured out on yet another journey in my own mind.

A journey which holds many questions regarding love and who to love, what to do and how to do it, follow impulses or be logical, be brave or be a coward, float in the moment or affect it, be modest or be blunt? 

All I know now is I appreciate being a thinker, needless to say I don’t need answers to everything but I appreciate the questions. They push me forward, challenge me and may make me draw elevated conclusions and decisions that would not have occurred if I didn’t think so much about…everything.

I also dare to say I know that following intuition and inner sayings is difficult in a world made up of structures and social norms, even more so than I thought before.

I’ve also started on a novel. I’ve started on many but this one is different. It plays out in my mind and lasts longer than two pages, maybe 300. I write on it, in one way or the other, a little everyday, I collect experiences and sayings which boil down into entering the book.

I long for film-sets, acting and the craft of filming. I’m starting to think that my fourteen year old self received a (quite apparent) hunch of what I want to do in life.

Life- Long -Lessons –  Not letting my own stress affect my loved ones is key, because without them I am lost. The Holy Grail which is communication is another life-long lesson this year. Knowing that I am good as I am, sometimes even better than good, even when I feel alien. Giving energy to others without having any will give me more. Getting inspired by my family and act upon it. And more thereto. 

The seconds will roll by, hopefully for a long, long time, because I am eager to live every one of them.

Goodnight, forever, 21 year old me.